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62% Of Women Like Rough Sex—and These Are Their Favorite Kinks​

on Wednesday, 19 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

Men's Health

BY ALISA HRUSTIC

Here’s your excuse to try something kinky tonight: After polling more than 400,000 OkCupid members, the dating website found that 62 percent of women enjoy rough sex.

 

Why? Being bitten, scratched, or spanked increases your blood pressure and heart rate in response to the pain, explains sex researcher Nicole Prause, Ph.D. When that happens during sex, some people interpret it as sexual excitement.

 

 

 

Plus, there are areas of your brain where pain responses and sexual arousal overlap, she says. (The benefits go beyond the bedroom, too. Here’s how kinky sex may actually be good for your mental health.)

 

 

So what actually turns women on when they’re feeling a little adventurous? Sixty-two percent of them said having their hair pulled gets them going, while about 60 percent liked it when their partner took control, the poll found.

 

Other things that topped their list of kinky behaviors? Being bitten, hearing derogatory terms, and being tied up.

 

In fact, the survey found that OkCupid members are 23 percent more likely to say they’re into BDSM than they were in 2013. Coincidentally, a big spike occurred around Valentine’s Day, when Fifty Shades Darker made its debut in theaters.

 

Just keep in mind that this isn’t something you surprise your partner with during sex. If you both want to get a little adventurous, talk about things beforehand to make sure you both feel safe. ...

1,100 strangers showed up at his home for sex. He blames Grindr

on Wednesday, 19 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

CNN

by Sara Ashley O'Brien

Over the past five months, Matthew Herrick says that 1,100 men have showed up at his home and workplace expecting to have sex with him. Herrick is suing Grindr, the popular dating app for gay and bisexual men, because of it.

According to the complaint, Herrick, 32, is the victim of an elaborate revenge scheme that's playing out on Grindr's platform. An ex-boyfriend of Herrick's, who he says he met on Grindr, has allegedly been creating fake accounts since October 2016. The accounts have Herrick's photos and personal details, including some falsehoods like a claim that that he's HIV positive.

The ex allegedly invites men to Herrick's apartment and the restaurant where he works. Sometimes as many as 16 strangers each day will show up looking for Herrick. In some instances, they are told not to be dissuaded if Herrick is resistant at first, "as part of an agreed upon rape fantasy or role play."

The case raises important questions in the social media age about impersonation, stalking and harassment.

"What are Grindr's legal responsibilities," asks Aaron Mackey, a Frank Stanton legal fellow at the Electronic Frontier Foundation. "And what are its corporate and ethical responsibilities to its users when it learns that its platform is being abused in this way?"

Mackey said the answers have big implications.

As with many complaints against tech platforms, Section 230 of the 1996 Communications Decency Act is at play in the Grindr case. It's a unique legal protection that gives a broad layer of immunity to online companies from being held liable for user-generated content. Companies are supposed to act in good faith to protect users.

In 2015, Grindr used the CDA to prevail in another case. It was found not liable in a suit filed by a man who was arrested for a sexual encounter with a minor he met on the app.

But in Herrick's case, attorneys Carrie Goldberg and Tor Ekeland are relying on different laws. They're alleging product liability, fraud and deceptive business practices, according to an amended complaint filed on March 31.

"Much of our work is about finding the cracks and holes in [Section] 230," said Goldberg, who is known for taking on sexual privacy and revenge porn cases. "Companies don't deserve special protections when their product is dangerous and [Section] 230 doesn't give them protection in such cases."

Originally filed in a New York state court in January, the case was moved to federal court at Grindr's request in February.

According to the complaint, there have been more than 100 reports flagging the fake profiles in Grindr's app, resulting in only generic replies from Grindr ("Thank you for your report.").

Grindr's terms of service state that impersonation accounts aren't permitted, but it's unclear whether Grindr is capable of cracking down on the accounts. A March email from Grindr's counsel said the company cannot search for photographs, according to the complaint. "Grindr claims it cannot control who uses its product and that it lacks the basic software capabilities used by its competitors and the social media industry," it reads.

According to Matthew Zeiler, founder of image recognition startup Clarifai, there are multiple ways for companies to identify specific images on their platforms, and third party providers can help implement these capabilities.

Processes known as image hashing or visual search can detect near duplicate images from being posted on their platforms.

In a statement, Grindr said it's "committed to creating a safe environment through a system of digital and human screening tools, while also encouraging users to report suspicious and threatening activities. While we are constantly improving upon this process, it is important to remember that Grindr is an open platform. Grindr cooperates with law enforcement on a regular basis and does not condone abusive or violent behavior." ...

Rethinking monogamy today

on Wednesday, 19 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

CNN

By Ian Kerner

Could opening your relationship to others benefit you and your partner?

 

For many couples, monogamy -- staying sexually exclusive with one partner -- is expected and assumed. It's even included in many marriage vows. But as some people are increasingly realizing, monogamy isn't for everyone.

In fact, consensual non-monogamy can be a healthy option for some couples and, executed thoughtfully, can inject relationships with some much-needed novelty and excitement.

As a couples sex therapist, I've found that some may feel committed to each other yet still feel they have fundamental differences in sexual interests or desires. In the past, many of these couples might have chosen to break up, cheat or just "settle."

But these days, some are finding they want to challenge their notions about sexual exclusivity.

Why did we become monogamous?

Why did we become monogamous?

It's still unclear what's driving this new openness to, well, openness.

"We're just starting to ask these questions in research," sex researcher and educator Zhana Vrangalova said. "But there does seem to be a growing group of people who are open to exploring. Even if they ultimately decide that non-monogamy isn't for them, more couples are making that decision after an informed consideration, rather than just judging and rejecting it."

Indeed, most non-monogamous people probably once practiced monogamy, explained sex therapist Dulcinea Pitagora. "Most people enter their first relationships with the traditional idea of sexual exclusivity. It's just the way we're socialized in our culture."

Is non-monogamy right for you?

So how do you know whether trying consensual non-monogamy -- which includes polyamory, the ability to have sexual and emotional relationships with others -- is worth exploring? First, it helps to understand how you and your partner define sexual openness, as well as sexual exclusivity.

"There are as many different types of non-monogamous relationships as there are people in them," Vrangalova said.

For some couples, non-exclusivity might take the form of attending "play parties" together and swapping partners, watching other couples have sex, dating other people or even entering into polyamorous relationships with multiple partners.

Determine what's OK and what's not. These are important conversations to have even if you intend to remain monogamous, because they help set expectations and boundaries for your relationship. ...

5 Common Questions About Polyamorous Relationships, Answered By A Poly Woman

on Sunday, 09 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

by Katie Mather

Polyamory is on the rise. One in five Americans are or have been in a non-monogamous relationship or a polyamorous one. Poly relationships can be structured a number of different ways, but the classic example is that of a committed couple who are allowed to date other people on the side.

Other polyamorous relationships can involve having three or more people all committed to each other, or having one or two (or three or four…) serious partners at a time individually, perhaps with one primary partner.

There’s a lot of misinformation about polyamory that exists today. As an openly poly person in a committed relationship, I frequently get approached by well-meaning acquaintances who have burning but presumptuous questions about how my relationship works. They can get repetitive, and they definitely get annoying.

Here are five questions poly people are sick of hearing.

1. Don’t you get jealous?

No, I’m not jealous. Most poly people in general take the stance that their partner loving or being with someone else does not diminish from their own relationships.

We understand that some people have the capacity to feel strongly about or be interested in multiple people without diminishing the way we feel about any individual in particular.

Communication is also crucial for a poly relationship. If something feels wrong, we are encouraged to honestly approach our partners and discuss it.

In many ways, polyamorous couples may be better equipped to deal with natural feelings of jealousy. Intentionally choosing polyamory can involve more conscious efforts to deal with jealous feelings than a monogamous relationship that fails to emphasize communication.

If my primary partner thinks I’m spending too much time with a new date, she’ll tell me she’s feeling neglected. If she starts talking to someone that really rubs me the wrong way, I’ll tell her about my misgivings. We know we want to prioritize each other, so talking about these feelings helps us forge a stronger relationship. ...

 

Why these young Aussies are trying BDSM

on Sunday, 09 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

by Katie Horneshaw

“SO I think I’m getting a Dom!” exclaims my friend Jodi* as we sit down for coffee.

“You mean like a BDSM thing?”

“Yeah! I mean, might as well see what all the fuss is about, right?”

“Dom” is kink-vernacular for the dominant role in a BDSM encounter, or “scene”. Jodi is anticipating taking the “Sub”, or submissive, role.

And it’s this, not the fact that my friend wants to try BDSM, which stokes my intrigue. Jodi is a loud, self-possessed clothing label owner and landlord. I cannot picture her being dominated by anyone.

She will later inform me that she’s switched to the Dom role and has found a “sweet” Sub to be her manservant. He comes over to brush her hair and act as her foot stool, among other things.

If you had told me I’d be having this conversation a few years ago, I would have been scandalised. But that was before BDSM became ubiquitous within the under 35’s singles scene. As Jodi puts it, “It’s not good enough to be normal anymore. You have to be extreme!”

The catalyst for the change? There’s the obvious: Fifty Shades may be roundly mocked within the BDSM community, but its role in eviscerating the taboo which once shrouded kink is irrefutable. The rise of anonymous dating apps has made it easy to scout for partners, while social media sites like FetLife (The Facebook of BDSM) allow young kinksters to communicate online.

Matt*, 23 and a Dom, is one of the cohort of Aussie young people using Tinder to scout for BDSM partners. He’s hasn’t encountered a lot of experienced female subs, but, “There are lots of younger girls who have thought about it or dabbled, and they’re happy to have me guide them through the experience.”

Sam*, 28, says he’s always had submissive tendencies, but it wasn’t until seeing Fifty Shades that he considered exploring them in the bedroom. When he eventually matched with a professional dominatrix on Tinder, it was an awakening.

“I’ve always wanted to serve women, but I didn’t have an opportunity to do that in my everyday life without it seeming creepy.”

He thinks BDSM’s recent explosion in popularity is a great thing, “because most people are probably like me — they’d love it if they would just give it a try!”

Henry*, 25, has always known he finds domination sexy. As a teenager he would see a scene in a movie where a woman was in charge and become excited.

He tells me about his first experience as a sub: “I met a very experienced female Dom through a friend, and she trained me on slave-duty. I lived with her and was under her control 24/7- I was only allowed to go out to go to Uni. I loved the idea that it was totally up to her if she wanted to punish or reward me for my behaviour.”

Unlike Sam, Henry is a natural leader in day-to-day life. “What turns me on is the release: The total ceding of control to someone else.” ...

Don’t throw out your old shoes – sell them to someone with a foot fetish instead

on Sunday, 09 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

It’s Sunday evening and I’m creating a profile on one of the biggest social networks for BDSM, fetish and kink communities.

by Louise Joy

I’ve chosen an alluring username, and now I’m uploading photos of my shoes and filling out my profile to state that I am a mistress looking for a sissy sub to worship my feet.

 

In reality, I’m actually sitting in sweats, scoffing crisps, with my hair in a messy bun. But it’s always easier to get into character online.

I’m not looking for any real life fun on this website; though judging by what’s on my profile, you’d be forgiven for thinking that I enjoy dabbling and experimenting.

In actual fact, I’m starting (well, hoping to start) a new business – by selling old, worn shoes.

Let me explain.

Back when I was a uni student, I accidentally stumbled across the gold mine business that is selling old shoes to people with foot fetishes.

 

It was a complete accident.

I sold an old pair of shoes on eBay and made a profit – they were Primark pumps, so would have cost me around £3 to buy, and I managed to sell them for £30.

I didn’t understand why they went for so much.

 

They weren’t in the best condition, but they weren’t falling apart either, so I figured I’d get £5 max for them.

And then the messages came flooding in.

Men wanting to worship my feet; so called slaves begging me to sell more shoes (the stinkier the better, it seems) so that they could buy them and waste their money on ‘their mistress’.

Some even asked to pay for photos of my feet. ...

On Learning and Loving

on Sunday, 09 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

Until I made the conscious choice to opt-out of monogamous relationships, I had cheated on every partner I had ever been with.

by Ocean DeRouchie 

I know how bad that might look on paper. But for the longest time, no matter how long I was with someone, no matter how much I cared for them, I would eventually find myself in a situation where I had serious feelings for another person(s).

 

Any sentiment of guilt or shame I felt came less so from the consequences of any action, and moreso from a societal belief that “sleeping with someone else is something you do to your partner, not for yourself,” as Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy put it so eloquently in their remarkable book, The Ethical Slut.

 

It wasn’t out of not loving my partner, or out of wanting to cause harm, that I acted on those feelings—I was just happy to share love, and I found that the more love I had to give, the more love I had to share.

 

So for years, I would try to follow my heart—and end up hurting everyone else’s in the process.

 

At the end of summer of 2015, I came to the conclusion that being in exclusive relationships was a no-no. I started telling new romantic interests that I was polyamorous, and soon enough my heart felt lighter and lighter. The realization that polyamory, for me, was moreso a part of who I am, rather than a lifestyle choice, came with a strong sense of self, and an even stronger feeling of relief.

 

That’s not to say that sharing this with people didn’t come without some intense reactions. When I first told my mom, she was like, “No, Ocean, you just need a boyfriend.” To which I responded, “No, Mom—I have like, five of them.” Her concern and bewilderment—which comes from a sincere, distinct place of love—is shared by many others who find out that someone in their life is polyamorous. It comes from a sheer lack of public knowledge or even comfortable conversation around non-monogamy.

 

However, polyamory still remains taboo in nature, and is largely ignored as a research topic as a result. It was only last summer that data from the first-ever national survey on polyamorous families emerged.

 

The survey collected information from 547 respondents—all self-identified poly folks in “families,” or what I just call “relationships,” between three or more consenting adults. It’s worth noting that this is by no means an exhaustive representation of polyamorous relationship structures.

 

The survey also (somewhat) reclaims the word “family,” indicating that the meaning of it in Canada is evolving.

 

Of these respondents, there was a general consensus that public acceptance of polyamory is increasing, but perceptions that it’s a kink or fetish, or is somehow aligned with polygamy, is still giving it a bad rap.

 

Poly peeps have to consider who they tell, because “many parts of the world will not welcome us with open arms,” write Easton and Hardy. People have lost jobs, been denied leases and lost custody battles. “It’s not easy being easy,” they point out.

 

My experiences telling potential partners since this coming-to-terms with myself are different depending on the person. Some are uncomfortable with the idea of a partner pursuing other interests—and that’s okay; people need to set their own boundaries. On the other hand though, there are people who are into it, and they aren’t as few and far between as you might expect.

 

Poly living situations are on the rise, too. There was a time not too long ago when I was considering a move-in with two of my former partners. The dream, as a friend of mine once called it, never came true, but discussions around the idea included how many bedrooms we might want, in what context would it be appropriate to bring our other partners into the shared space, and beyond.

 

When looking at poly living situations, the 2016 survey found that most people lived between two households. However, one fifth of them said that all members of their relationship lived in one home. In these single-home families, three fifths of them included one married couple. ...

The Ins and Outs of Silicon Valley’s New Sexual Revolution

on Sunday, 09 April 2017. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

by Julian Sanction

IN SILICON VALLEY, love’s many splendors often take the form of, well, many lovers. For certain millennials in tech—as well as, rumor has it, a few middle-aged CEOs—polyamory holds especial appeal. Perhaps that’s because making it work is as much an engineering challenge as an emotional one, requiring partners to navigate a complex web of negotiated arrangements. (There’s an app to keep track of that, obvs: The Poly Life.) Some enthusiasts even claim it’s the way of the future. “If life extension is possible, we might have to think about relationships differently,” says one Valley-based polyamorist. “It’s pretty hard to have an exclusive relationship with someone for 300 years.” True that—but balancing multiple LTRs takes just as much dedication and discipline (if not more).

Rules of Polyamory

1. Tap OkCupid

Good old OkCupid is where you’ll find a critical mass of polyamorous users. The app features questionnaires to help determine if the lifestyle is right for you, plus tools that make it easier to find other poly enthusiasts.

 

2. Study up

The gospel is Dossie Easton’s 1997 book, The Ethical Slut. But more compelling to STEM-y polyamorists might be Sex at Dawn, which draws on primate physiology to prove that monogamy is, like, totally a construct.

 

3. Join the club

Some workplaces (coughGooglecough) have quasi-official poly clubs; you can also find meetups online. Just know there are plenty of subsets within the community, especially in California, so be prepared to discuss neopagan liturgies with Nebula Moon-Ostrich.

 

4. Don’t be a letch

You shouldn’t go to a get-together hoping to hook up. These are not orgies. (Though tech-nerd orgies do get pret-ty wild, what with the color-coded bracelets signaling what you’re cool with doing/having done unto you.) And stick to your age bracket—restrictions are enforced to keep things comfortable.

 

5. Be honest (and avoid Manhattan)

Transparency is what separates polyamory from infidelity. It’s also what makes it difficult. Thankfully, this is one area where the Valley’s left-brained legions have an advantage. “Lying is unacceptable,” says Emily Witt, author of Future Sex. “In New York, playing people is much more normal.” ...

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