"A 'Kink Expert' Breaks Down 'Race Play', 'Power Exchange', Safe Words and Beyond"
By Abiola Abrams
Bored with the same old sex routine? Abiola Abrams digs deep into the world of BDSM for beginners to teach you how to make your sex life more adventurous right now.
Black women are ready to feel more sexually adventurous. We are learning that life is too short to deny our desires. We are ready to explore all of the dynamics in the sexual rainbow -- and I want to help us to do just that!
So of course, I am turning to my good friend, BDSM/Kink Educator Mollena Williams-Haas, known as “The Perverted Negress” for her tips on kinking up your sex life. As the tagline on her blog says, it’s more than just the hair that’s kinky! Mollena is the submissive half of a in a dominant-submissive power dynamic with her husband, a famous Austrian composer. She also considers her husband to be her “owner” and has nicknamed him, “Herr Meister.” As The New York Times reports, the Mister attracted his Mrs. with a note that said, “I would like to tame you.”
Ok, Mollena, let’s go 101. A common question to my Intimacy Intervention column is: “Dear Abiola, how do I tell my partner that I have freaky interests?”
My first suggestion...go Nike and Just do it. Most people have fantasies and often times everyone is so worried about what the other person will think, they spend all their time wasting time when they could be making time. If being direct ain’t your gig, try storytelling. Role-play. Pretending to be another character can be a great way to ease your significant other into the realm of edgy sex. Maybe you can’t tell your partner you want to be spanked, but perhaps you can pretend to be the Bad Student who has irked their teacher into doling out a well-deserved swatting over the desk. This little bit of distance can give us freedom.
Another gateway can be sharing porn that turns you on. That is another great way to open the dialogue. And hey, despite all of the very problematic issues with a certain blockbuster novel, the fact that Fifty Shade of Gray is a household name gives you an easy entryway into conversations about kink. If you still can’t even talk about it, why not get “Fifty Shades of Black” fired up on Netflix and chill with that for a while. Humor and lighthearted fun is a great way to slip into the more serious side of kink, and it lets you share in a way that is less scary and intimidating.
Great advice! So what should go in a starter toy bag?
I always encourage folks to look around the house and pick up whatever they can there to start with. You don’t need to spend a lot of cash to have some kinky fun: some clothespins, carefully applied to ticklish bits are a great way to do sensation play. A scarf is an effective blindfold, and your hands are some of the best impact toys around. If you think you want to experiment a little further, some of the tools for basic bonidage can include some soft leather or fabric cuffs for restraint (avoid the temptation to grab handcuffs: they can be dangerous to sensitive nerves and tendons, even when covered in fuzzy fabric) and some hemp or nylon rope to secure those wayward limbs. If you enjoy penetration, a good silicone dildo or vibrator from a reputable toy manufacturer can be great fun. Look for medical-grade silicone and make sure that the toys are not made of that sketchy jelly substance and that they are Phthalate-free. Impact play - striking your partner in a way to encourage erotic reaction - comes in many forms!
Educate yourself on safe places to spank (think big muscles like the butt, thighs, upper back) and try paddles, crops...even a wooden spoon from the kitchen drawer is a great way to get started. Most importantly, keep your imagination and your words on point and ready to go. That old saying about the brain being the biggest sex organ is no lie, especially when it comes to getting your freak on kinky style.
Where do you recommend that safe words come into play?
Safe words started out as a way to do a role-playing scene and not break up the action. If I am pretending to be an abducted princess, I want to be able to struggle and resist and say “No! STOP! HANDS OF ME, YOU BASTARD!” without ACTUALLY having the bastard stop and take their hands off me. SO, I’d have a special word, not normally used in conversation, to halt or pause the scene. ...