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"Affirmative Consent: Are Students Really Asking?"

on Tuesday, 28 July 2015. Hits 24

The NY Times

By SANDY KEENAN

Tyler Frahme, a University at Albany junior, had never even heard of affirmative consent, the unequivocal O.K. to sex that is mandated by state law. Nor was he in the habit of asking women for permission to proceed at every new juncture of sexual activity.

 

He and his friend Jill Santiago, a fellow junior and psychology major, were catching up in the Campus Center near the close of the school year when I approached their table to ask about the state’s new definition — put in place last winter to guide, govern and presumably protect nearly half a million students across 64 public campuses of the State University of New York, and followed in July by a law that applies to all college students in the state.

 

New York’s new legislation of what constitutes consent covers a lot of ground in sobering terms:

 

“Affirmative consent is a knowing, voluntary and mutual decision among all participants to engage in sexual activity.”

 

“Consent to any sexual act or prior consensual sexual activity between or with any party does not necessarily constitute consent to any other sexual act.”

 

Mr. Frahme turned defensive, even a little combative, after I introduced him to the legislation.

 

“Do you think this is a gender-neutral policy?” he demanded. “All these policies cast men in a predatory light. Most guys aren’t like that.”

 

I asked a test question: Can a really drunk person give consent?

 

“My answer to that is no,” he said. He was right.

 

“Consent cannot be given when a person is incapacitated.”

 

Mr. Frahme posed a (not-so-hypothetical) scenario of his own: “You both get drunk and it gets heated and you get into it. If the next day she regrets it and formally complains, to me that’s just plain wrong.” The initiator, in fact, is responsible for securing consent, but because the other party is intoxicated, it may not be obtainable.

 

Ms. Santiago, who knew all about the issue, having helped put together university-mandated training in sexual assault prevention for her sorority, jumped out of the interpretive rabbit hole, locked eyes with Mr. Frahme and said: “If guys realize they have to ask and get permission — and I’ve been asked before, it’s not that bad — this could wind up protecting everyone.”

 

It wasn’t such a mood kill, she said, when a partner paused and asked: “Do you want to do this. Is it O.K.?”

 

But Mr. Frahme wasn’t buying it — at least not yet.

 

 

Colleges and universities have been scurrying to amend codes of conduct and refine definitions of consent. One reason for the rush is that the Obama administration, which last year launched the “It’s on Us” campaign in an attempt to make campuses safer from sexual violence, has threatened to withhold federal funding from institutions that fail to address problems.

 

This past year saw a blossoming in the “yes means yes” movement, an about-face on “no means no,” which suggests that sex can advance until you hear that “no.”

 

“Silence or lack of resistance, in and of itself, does not demonstrate consent.” ...

"How BDSM Saved My Life At 55-Years-Old"

on Monday, 27 July 2015. Hits 60

Huffington Post

by Sandra LaMorgese Ph.D.

 

It's true. I never thought I'd be working in the most famous bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism (BDSM) dungeon in New York City. Not to mention that I'd start at the ripe age of 55. If you had told me 10 years ago that I would kick a man straight in the balls wearing six-inch heels, blood-red lipstick, black eye shadow, and false eyelashes, I would have kicked you out of my house.

 

I was a holistic practitioner who lost my award-winning wellness practice in the wake of the Great Recession. I was 55, with no prospects, no financial savings, no family members who would help, and friends seemed to vanish into thin air. I found myself on my own with no hope in sight. But between the thoughts of despair, worthlessness, and even suicide, I had this little voice inside of me that kept saying, "I am resourceful."

 

Then one day, out of nowhere, came the idea of becoming a professional dominatrix.

 

At the time of my emotional and financial bankruptcy I was working to earn my PhD in Metaphysical Science, studying female sexual empowerment and researching the transmutation of sexual energy. As a student of empowerment and sexuality, I wanted so badly to "walk the walk" and apply these principles I had studied and believed to my own life. But no matter how hard I tried to talk myself into such a possibility, there was nothing in my reality telling me that it was possible.

 

Who would hire a 55-year-old woman with no experience whatsoever as a dominatrix?

 

I alternated between excited hope and logical despair. I was also struggling with many negative social influences that told me how wrong I would be to make such a decision. At the same time, I felt that I needed to be true to myself and that the experience could empower me as a woman. I somehow understood that this would set me free from my own judgmental perceptions (formed through social standards) of how a woman should behave and follow the "rules." I also hoped it might get me back on my feet financially.

 

Then, after weeks of persuasion, I finally convinced a New York City BDSM dungeon to grant me an in-person interview. I started my dominatrix training three days later, and just like that, the scariest thing I ever did led me into the most empowering experience of my life.

 

The dungeon was an extreme learning environment, to be sure, but during my time there I learned to truly accept other people with an open mind and an open heart. By practicing BDSM, I've come to understand that people are different and have very different desires, sexualities, hopes, dreams, loves, purposes, ambitions, and styles. And all of it is good. In the very beginning, I had to ask myself: If something or someone brings us genuine joy, happiness, pleasure, and love, how can that be wrong? ...

"Apple Valley man alleges discrimination over male bondage role-play"

on Thursday, 23 July 2015. Hits 100

Daily Press

By Gary Brodeur

A gay resident who hosts adult role-play scenarios in his home says the town has banned him from a business activity he denies conducting, and he believes the town is discriminating against him on the basis of his sexual orientation.

A judge approved a temporary restraining order sought by the Town of Apple Valley in May, then issued a preliminary injunction in June. Town officials say in court documents that Mark Gudmundsen is conducting business without a license and the business, a "bondage fantasy," is a public nuisance.

Town Attorney John Brown told the Daily Press that the Code Enforcement action against the role-play was "based on the character of the activity, not the person conducting the activity."

Gudmundsen says the occasional, nonsexual role-play involves a small group of friends and features "incarceration" and the use of restraints in a jail or mental institution setting. He said the activity is for fun, but a post his website, www.meninchains.com, seemed to suggest that $450 is required for participation. Gudmundsen says that is a suggested donation amount to help defray costs of transportation, meals and equipment used inside his residence on Dakota Road.

"Where's the nuisance?" Gudmundsen said in an interview with the Daily Press.

The Code Enforcement case was triggered by reports from "one or more people in the neighborhood who believed there were incarcerated prisoners in orange jumpsuits (who) appeared to be working on a project in a residential area," Brown said.

Gudmundsen said he joined a friend at the home's filled-in pool to briefly portray inmates at work.

Three attorneys, led by Ann Lakhman of Lakhman & Kasamatsu LLP, say the action is "exclusionary" and abridges their client's Constitutional rights to free speech and association. They also say Apple Valley failed to follow its own procedures by acting on an anonymous tip and by not issuing a warning to Gudmundsen before going to court.

Gudmundsen said he believes the action is discriminatory, coming after he he revealed his sexual orientation when he was asked to explain the purpose of an addition to his home with extra bathroom stalls. Brown dismissed the notion that the action had anything to do with Gudmundsen's sexuality.

An offer was made to settle the matter, according to Gudmundsen: Agree to a permanent injunction and pay town attorney costs.

"I'm willing to say I'm not going to run a business here but I'm not willing to pay $20,000 to not run a business," he said, specifying the alleged settlement amount. ...

"Playing Prisoner: Does BDSM Culture Complicate Our Understanding of ‘The Stanford Prison Experiment’?"

on Tuesday, 21 July 2015. Hits 181

Flavorwire

BY MOZE HALPERIN

Coming into Kyle Patrick Alvarez’s The Stanford Prison Experiment with only a vague knowledge of the real-life psychological study on which the film is strictly based(with most of the dialogue taken directly from transcripts), I was struck with an immediate question about a current-day discourse. Since the experiment — which saw college students “enacting” prisoner and guard roles and embodying the predetermined power dynamics with frightening aplomb — took place in 1971, how does the increasing visibility and normalization of BDSM culture in recent years impact the discussion surrounding the study? Indeed, it won’t take long, even for the least creative of Googlers, to see that there’s already been an… interesting confluence of the two (which, for your benefit, I won’t hyperlink to). You’ll also find one perfectly non-pornographic article making the same connection.

 

The film, as a relatively faithful representation of the experiment (with particular scenes selected and structured for the sake of good filmmaking), ultimately provides much fuel for this question, as it’s released over 40 years after the experiment, when the first thing the phrase “playing prisoner” brings to mind is “sex dungeon.” These connotations are especially resonant with the recent mainstreaming of (heavily diluted) BDSM in Fifty Shades of Grey. The interplay of the experiment and BDSM gives way to a more general question about the curious magnetism of polarized power.

 

The Stanford prison experiment saw psychologist Dr. Philip Zimbardo set up — and then fill — a simulated prison in the basement offices of the Stanford Psychology Department. He selected 24 students to participate in the study, and after questioning them extensively on whether they’d prefer to be a guard or a prisoner, flipped a coin to determine which role to assign them. Ultimately, neither their preferences nor their nature — as perceived by themselves or by the people running the experiment — had any bearing in the role they’d play. (One obvious but noteworthy difference between this and BDSM is that people who engage in sexual role-play typically choose their sometimes-fluid roles based on proclivity.)

 

The “guards” were dressed appropriately and given wooden batons, while the “prisoners” were draped in feminizing (interestingly, everyone in the experiment was male) smocks with identification numbers on them. The “guards” were instructed not to physically harm any of the “prisoners” whatsoever, and supposedly signed a contract that contained that regulation — but Zimbardo, the only person who had any say in what constituted crossing a line, became just as embroiled in the pyramidal system he’d set up as his subjects. (Zimbardo self-described as the prison “superintendent,” while his research assistant was the “warden.”)

 

Soon, at least in their minds, “guards” became guards and “prisoners” became prisoners: means of psychological torture were devised, with guards deriving pleasure from preventing prisoners from sleeping, making them defecate in buckets, locking them in solitary confinement, and sexually humiliating them. One of the most unbearable scenes in the film isn’t one that involves shouting or conflict — it’s one that’s set so deep into the pacification of inmates that it finds the guards calmly forcing them to enact the motions of anal sex with one another.

 

A shocking notion about the experiment is the idea that any of them could have quit (and lost their pay of $15 a day — the equivalent of $88 today) at any time.  Even those who ultimately left the experiment due to trauma did so through a system of imaginary parole — indicating that they’d so thoroughly inhabited their temporary identities that the only way they could conceive of breaking them was within the same vocabulary. As per Zimbardo’s website:

 

When we ended the hearings by telling prisoners to go back to their cells while we considered their requests, every prisoner obeyed, even though they could have obtained the same result by simply quitting the experiment. Why did they obey? Because they felt powerless to resist. Their sense of reality had shifted, and they no longer perceived their imprisonment as an experiment. In the psychological prison we had created, only the correctional staff had the power to grant paroles.

Much as a safe word indicates, within sexual power play, that a line has been crossed and the activity needs to stop, the prisoners were given a similar option. Thus, apart from, perhaps, duration (but even that’s questionable, as even the most vanilla of BDSM tales, Fifty Shades, reveals scenarios where the roles of master and slave are sustained not just during coitus) and the aforementioned method of selection, it’s initially hard to find much difference at all between the pretend dynamics of S&M and those of the experiment — even down to the way each prisoner was “arrested” at their own home and charged with armed robbery, as though in some form of verbal foreplay. ...

""Love a la Carte" Movie Launches New Mobile App & Polyamory Dating Site"

on Tuesday, 21 July 2015. Hits 384

Benzinga

For the first time ever, "Love a la Carte," a "do-it-yourself" (DIY) motion picture, extends the cinematic experience for its audience with the creation of a real world mobile application and online polyamory dating website. Leading the way for micro-budget indy filmmakers in breaking new ground to entertain audiences is Emmy award winning writer-producer-director and Love a la Carte, LLC CEO, Tim McSpadden. "The movie 'Love a la Carte' is an honest comedy about cheating monogamists keeping their marriage together, for better or worse, with an online polyamory dating website," says McSpadden. "Conceiving a real-life website and mobile app of the same name that is mercilessly satirized in the movie was the next step for the 'Love a la Carte' brand."

 

The cheating lifestyle continually spawns schadenfreude headlines and heated debates. Philandering politicians and celebrities propagate the mobile hook-up culture, heroic athletes allegedly deflate footballs to win games and salacious online dating websites generate millions of dollars promoting adultery. Exposing via cinema the nuanced justifications some monogamists make for sampling unauthorized polyamory is fertile ground for a comedy-fantasy. "There are 3 versions to every story you hear about why someone cheats: Their version, your version and the truth," McSpadden says. "Our 'Love a la Carte' movie shows you how the internet has impacted having affairs and why this lifestyle might be affecting your own relationship right now. Our dating website is where you can experience firsthand what was lampooned in the movie. Our mobile app is how you can stay connected with this brand of entertainment - all for free."

 

Audiences can watch the DIY movie "Love a la Carte" for free for 30-days on Amazon Prime Instant Video or with their subscription to the service. The movie is also available on iTunes/Apple TV and Google Play which is also where the "Love a la Carte" mobile applications can be found and freely downloaded. To find "love now" and contact other "Love a la Carte" lovers in their area, people can sign up for free on LovealaCarte.com. The website is also a landing point to find other links connected with the movie, such as watching the film along with the cast and for other news worthy articles connected to the "Love a la Carte" experience.

 

Sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee called the movie "Entertaining & Refreshing." Mandy Payne, a Top 10 ranked Amazon Hall-of-Fame reviewer (out of more than 26 million reviewers) gave "Love a la Carte" 5-stars on Amazon Prime Instant Video and said its "a gritty story about the realities of marriage and midlife, all the while never losing a steady undercurrent of dry humor." Winner of the "Most Original Screenplay" award at the 2014 Universal Film Festival, "Love a la Carte" also played at the Cannes Film Festival market & American Film Market the same year. The soundtrack for "Love a la Carte" was engineered by 2014 Grammy nominee Russ Marsden of Big U Music in Phoenix, Arizona. It features 17 songs from recording artists across the globe such as VH-1's jump start ASCAP songstress Janice Kirkwood and the Phoenix New Times weekly "Best Up & Comer of the Year," Youceff Kabal. Also taking a turn as an actor in the movie is Raj Suri, who produced Doritos' 2014 million dollar winning Super Bowl commercial. ...

 

"University updates policy stating that students with disabilities cannot consent to sex"

on Monday, 20 July 2015. Hits 160

Washington Examiner

By ASHE SCHOW

Until late last Thursday, Armstrong State University's sexual misconduct policy stated that students with disabilities couldn't consent to sexual activity, making any such activity rape.

 

The policy had been in effect since Sep. 8, 2014, but on Thursday — following questions from the Washington Examiner — the university updated its policy, calling the original wording an error.

 

Original policy: "In addition, persons under the age of 16 and persons who have a physical and/or mental impairment are unable to give consent."

 

Updated policy: "In addition, persons under the age of 16 and persons who have a physical or mental impairment and are unable to communicate are unable to give consent." (Changes in bold.)

 

Deidra Dennie, Armstrong's Title IX coordinator, told the Examiner last Thursday that the original policy had been corrected but had not been uploaded to the website at the time. "I apologize that our website was not kept up to date with the actual policy in circulation," she said.

 

Allison Hersh, Armstrong's director of marketing and communications, told the Examiner that it was never the university's "intent" to suggest that students with physical disabilities could never consent to sex.

 

"Our intent was to protect individuals with physical impairments that could prevent them from consenting or denying consent," Hersh told the Examiner. "The intent was not to imply that all physically disabled people are incapable of providing consent." ...

"Rape Crisis has 'concerns' over smartphone app which films sexual consent"

on Monday, 20 July 2015. Hits 127

BBC

A new app has launched aimed at reducing false allegations of rape by filming consent before having sex.

Users of We-Consent record 20-second clips naming who they're about to have sex with.

The app only works if the camera detects human faces and if both people involved are clearly heard saying "yes".

However, support group Rape Crisis says that although the app has good intentions it "throws up concerns".

Katie Russell, the national spokeswoman for Rape Crisis in England and Wales, told Newsbeat: "Someone saying 'yes' to sex on camera does not necessarily prove that they have given their consent.

"Consent must be fully and freely given by someone with the capacity to do so.

"Video footage might not capture whether someone has been threatened, bullied or intimidated into saying 'yes' to sex and, if they have, then they have not fully or freely given their consent, even if they've said the word 'yes' out loud.

"In an abusive or controlling relationship, someone might be forced or manipulated into being filmed 'consenting' to sex.

"The concept seems to assume and suggest that 'false allegations of rape' are a common problem that young people need to be worried about; they're absolutely not.

"In fact, the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) has looked carefully at false allegations of rape and concluded that they are 'very rare'."

The most recent CPS study, carried out between January 2011 and May 2012, found there were 121 suspects whose cases involved allegedly false rape complaints.

Of these, 35 were prosecuted, 25 for perverting the course of justice and 10 for wasting police time. ...

"Dandelion Seeds: Polytheism and Polyamory are a Natural Combination"

on Friday, 17 July 2015. Hits 136

Patheos

by Melissa Hill

Last week over on Raise the Horns Jason has been talking about being a polytheist.  It got me to thinking about my own relationship to polytheism.  Poly directly translates from the Greek as “many”. In our society “poly” is in opposition to “mono” as a concept. The choice is between one and many. I choose many.  In my life there are many gods, many loves, and many choices.  My worldview has evolved into one where a diversity of answers is the default, rather than the exception to the rule.

Being a Druid makes polytheism the obvious choice for me, grounded in my theology, personal experience, and the lore left to us by the ancient pagans.  I believe in a myriad of Powers and Spirits that exist with us as part of the world in ways that are not always clear, but like Jason and many others, I have come to understand that the gods have agency, or the ability to think, take action, and create as well as the ability to form relationship.  In my spirit work I have relationships with many deities and spirits.  Some are mentors, some are remote figures like stern distant relatives, some are friends, and sometimes the relationship can become sexual or romantic.  I’m not a godspouse, so I can’t speak to that, but I have had intense trance experiences where sexuality was a part of what I did.  The thing is, all of these are relationships that have meaning for me.  They blend and change over time, just like my relationships in the physical plane.

In my tradition we study ancient proto-Indo-European culture because so many of the gods and goddesses we worship evolved from this linguistic root.  We can only know what linguists and archeologists have deduced from the puzzle of common root words and pottery fragments.  These people lived long before written language.   *Ghosti is one of those words linguists have discovered.  When you see an asterisk in front of a word it means that this was never a real word; it’s a word that linguists have created by comparing many related languages.  This particular word is really, really old, and seen in many languages all over the Eurasian continent.  It is the word from which both “guest” and “host” evolved.  It is a word that encapsulates the sacredness of relationship.

*Ghosti has deepened my understanding of all my relations, both with people and with other Beings.  All relationship is sacred; in every moment I am both the guest in someone else’s experience and their host in mine.  I do not control them, own them, or get to say what they do.  Not even my husband.

o now we get to the polyamory.  You were waiting for it weren’t you?  Some of you, dear readers, were probably envisioning orgies and never ending sex parties, right?  It’s okay, I get it.   It’s not really like that though.  Okay, maybe once in a great while it is. A little bit.  Beltane is fun. Now let’s move on.

I’ve identified as polyamorous for most of my adult life.  My husband and I have been part of a stable quad relationship for almost three years now.  We live and work together. We are raising our kids together.  Beyond that there are sometimes lovers outside the quad, and metamors. Those are my lover’s lovers.  Often those relationships deepen into good friendships.  I have relationships with all these people in one respect or another. ...

Latest Reader Comments

  • in a bdsm community
    it is important to keep verbal abuse and arguments to a minimum.

    bdsm community

    26. July, 2015 |

  • i often think it would be helpful to advise such people in terms they'll understand: if you alienate given sector of the population,...

    Ian

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  • NCSF posts Media Updates on articles that we want people to comment on. Whether they're positive or negative articles, we help drive...

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  • Females didn't 'submit'. They were overtaken without choice.

    Many anthropological studies fail to mention the native ancient...

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