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"Living a trusting, multi-partner relationship in the City of Brotherly Love"

on Tuesday, 15 September 2015. Hits 271

by Dr. Timaree Schmit

When asked about the uptick in reporting on polyamory, Kari Collins of West Philly tells me that she is “ambivalent.”


It’s exciting to not have to explain what polyamory means over and over again, but the representations are really limited.


“A lot of times it still seems like ‘this couple is poly’ or ‘these three people are poly’ and it doesn’t go beyond that," she says. "It’s as close to a monogamous family as we can get. It’s presented like this wild thing they do on Saturday nights. But there are so many forms that poly is taking."


Kari (who is genderqueer and identifies alternately using “he” and “she”), for instance, currently only has one partner, but his partner currently has four other relationships, and several more people with whom they share an undefined friendship-romance. Those folks, in turn, have their own network of significant others.


The web forms a polyamorous community of metamours, and nearly all of them hang out together, often playing board games. “It’s like the #1 poly hobby… It’s an easy group activity.”


For Phil Weber of Bensalem and Mae Esposito of Fishtown, board games were a major activity at a recent poly network camping trip.


This group took up four cabins – a crew of about 14 metamours and friends, hiking, making meals, and playing games. A month prior, Phil had seven partners, but one moved away and two “stepped back” – a much healthier way to describe amicable separation than “broke up” or “dumped."


He now has four partners scattered around the Philadelphia area, including Mae, with whom he’s been serious since Halloween.


“I don’t really do casual,” he says, mentioning that one of his most informal experiences was a “two-week stand.” He came to polyamory when he and his longest-term partner (with whom he’s been committed for six years) decided to open up their relationship.


For some, open relationships are something into which they stumble. For others, relationship anarchy is a conscious choice to reject a system that has proven to be untenable. And for many, polyamory is as intrinsic to their sexual orientation as their preference for men or women.


Mae explains she’d “never been great friends with monogamy.” Whether through her “fault or someone else’s” it always ended poorly, without equal agency and choice for both parties. She notes that past boyfriends might, for instance, be looking for the “next best thing” and ditch her after finding what they considered an upgrade. ...


"Leather Life: “A Taste of Kink” for Sexual Health Professionals"

on Friday, 11 September 2015. Hits 327

Lavender Magazine

By Steve Lenius

“A Taste of Kink”, an evening of interactive kink demonstrations and discussions, recently allowed over 100 sexual health professionals from across the country to see, and perhaps experience firsthand, the dynamics and feelings associated with kink and BDSM practices.


The evening was part of the 47th annual conference of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). The conference, held June 3–7 in Minneapolis, featured over 50 workshops providing continuing education credits for sexual health professionals.


Workshop topics at the conference included GLBTQ youth, transgender health issues, gender roles, working with non-monogamous couples, and sex-positive Christianity. The conference also included a performance by Wicked Wenches Cabaret, a Twin Cities burlesque troupe.


The “Taste of Kink” event on Saturday, June 6, was co-produced by AASECT’s AltSex SIG (Special Interest Group) and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), with help from Twin Cities volunteers and groups including MSDB, Knights of Leather, MinKY (Minnesota Kinky Youth), and The Electrical Group. The event took place at Patrick’s Cabaret in Minneapolis.


The purpose of the evening was to explain the dynamics of kink and BDSM scenes, and to show non-kinky professionals how kink feels. One of the organizers explained, “We are doing this to become more professionally and culturally sensitive to the needs of the BDSM community.” Another organizer commented, “As therapists we need to be prepared to deal with this, especially with 50 Shades of Gray out there.”


The event started with a one-hour “munch” — food, nonalcoholic beverages and conversation. Local community volunteers and demonstrators wore “Ask me about . . .” name tags listing their kink interests and inviting questions from AASECT conference attendees.


After the munch, the demonstrations began. Six demo areas offered concurrent demonstrations of flogging, whipping, and impact play; foot worship; punching; spanking; sensation play; bondage and suspension; and electrical play with a violet wand.


The demonstrations showed not just technique, but also the processes of negotiation, consent and aftercare (checking in with a partner afterward to make sure everyone is okay). Demonstrators also talked about what they felt as they were involved in the activity, why they liked to do the activity they were demonstrating, and what appealed to them about it.


AASECT members then had the opportunity to try, or “taste,” the practices being demonstrated if they wished, and many of them did. Their tastes gave them firsthand experience not only with one or more BDSM practices, but also with the processes of negotiation, consent and aftercare — and with the use of safewords. As someone commented, “This isn’t just PowerPoints or slideshows; this is experiential learning.”


For your humble columnist, a nonprofessional spectator, the evening was a series of amazing moments. It was interesting to see the slightly startled expression on someone’s face as they felt the electric charge of a violet wand for the first time, or the blissful expression on someone else’s face as they were having their feet worshipped. ...

"Survey Finds Women More Likely To Propose Open Relationships"

on Thursday, 10 September 2015. Hits 357

Trending News: Women Are More Likely To Initiate An Open Relationship


Why Is This Important?


Because the lady in your life may not be as opposed to spicing things up as you’d think.


Long Story Short, a site for people looking for open relationships, surveyed their members and found something surprising: Of the couples in open relationships, two-thirds were initiated by women. This seemingly dispels the notion that it’s primarily men who want extramarital partners.


Long Story


As someone existing in a happy, plain-vanilla marriage, I do not get polyamory. The promise of getting some strange on the side does not, for me, offset the theoretical headache that would come with having an extra significant other. But then again, it’s not really for me to “get.” Some people have clandestine extramarital affairs, which just about everyone condemns as immoral. But some couples, be it a proclivity or a last-ditch effort to “save” a relationship, willingly engage in sex with people other than their dedicated partners. What may surprise you is that, if open relationship site is to be believed, the majority of those open relationships were initiated by the women.


OpenMinded says they surveyed over 64,000 couples registered to use their site. Of the couples engaging in open relationships, two-thirds of them say it was the woman’s idea. If true, this flies in the face of the conventional wisdom that says men are the ones who can’t bear the idea of sleeping with the same person until death do them part. ...

"Master Dominic tells us what it’s really like to be a male dominant"

on Sunday, 30 August 2015. Hits 464

by Siam Goorwich

If your only reference for the life of a male dominant is 50 Shades of Grey, you have a lot to learn.

We caught up with award winning male dominant Master Dominic, to find out what life is really like when you kick people in the balls for a living.

How does a professional male dominant start his day?

My day starts quietly – it’s relatively banal really: have breakfast, check e-mails, shower and turn the computer on to start work. I could make something more interesting up, but that’s pretty much it.

My sense of humour/tolerance for people doesn’t kick in until at least an hour after I’ve woken up so everyone who values their extremities continuing to be attached to their body gives me a wide berth. But from there


How many clients do you have on an average day/ week?

You get a hell of a lot of timewasters, so a busy day can suddenly become a very empty one and vice versa. It varies massively though; you’ll get a week with three sessions a day, and then a week with two sessions full stop.


On your website you mention your ‘exacting standards’ – can you give us an idea of what these are?

I expect you to be polite, concise and honest, and in return I will be too. If you send me an e-mail written in text speak calling me ‘mate’, you’re not getting a reply. If you’ve failed to get it right that early on we’re not a match.

That’s part of the vetting process. You get people who want to fight you for dominance and I have no time for that. Part of being good at the job is being able to assert yourself effectively, of course, but there’s only so much you can do if someone isn’t prepared to buckle under. So, stating that I have standards, and then going on to explain them underneath with the ‘standards based on obedience and mutual respect’ line is a way of establishing the dynamic and setting boundaries from the minute you first get in touch. ...


"Miley Cyrus Is ELLE’s October Cover Star"

on Sunday, 30 August 2015. Hits 369

Miley talks politics, her sexuality, and working with the LGBT community

Elle UK


In the issue Miley, 22, talks about her role as a gender activist and a politically engaged young woman, on a mission to make the world more tolerant, and gender and sexual identities less fixed.


Miley discusses why she decided to use her power, and popularity, to do something important by setting up her charity The Happy Hippie Foundation. ‘I was kind of embarrassed that I got paid money to shake my ass in a teddy bear costume,' she says, 'I should not be worth the amount I am while people live on the streets.’


As a provocateur she's acutely aware of how to command attention to get her voice heard, ‘If you get your tits out, and they are all looking, then you can use that space to say something and get them to listen,’ she continues later.


She then goes on to discuss her opinions on gender, and relationships saying, ‘I’m very open about it – I’m pansexual. But I’m not in a relationship. I’m 22, I’m going on dates, but I change my style every two weeks, let alone who I’m with.’


Read the fascinating interview in full in this month’s issue of ELLE Magazine.  ...


on Friday, 28 August 2015. Hits 411

Leather & Grace, a Coalition Partner of NCSF, has begun a campaign to amend the nondiscrimination rule of the Unitarian Universalist Association to include kink-identified people as a protected group.


“We believe we can achieve the petition requirements to put this on the agenda for the next General Assembly,” said Leather & Grace Moderator Desmond Ravenstone. “At the very least, this campaign will have people talking about the issues concerning members of the BDSM community.”


The proposed wording would expand “affectional or sexual orientation” as “not limited to gender-based attraction,” and also add the category of “consensual sexual expression” immediately after this. See the petition here:


If you are a UUA member, please sign the official petition which requires 250 signatures from members of congregations in the Association to be submitted by the first of February 2016:


If you are not a UUA member but would like to show your support, go here:


This campaign is in keeping with the traditions of the Unitarian Universalists, which have historically taken the lead in supporting greater equity, justice and personal freedom, especially regarding sexuality issues. In 1970, the UUA was the first religious organization in the United States to call for an end to discrimination against LGB people. Last year, the UUA’s General Assembly ratified a groundbreaking Statement of Conscience on Reproductive Justice, affirming “the human right … to express one’s sexuality freely.”


This campaign can have impact in the wider world, leading the way towards greater social inclusion, equality and freedom for sexual minorities.



"Is Psychiatry Getting Kinky?"

on Wednesday, 26 August 2015. Hits 545

Huffington Post

by M. Gregg Bloche

So slip into those tight leather jeans. That dog collar would look fetching. Add a piercing in a place your mother wouldn't imagine. Or take your lover to a trendy erotic play-space and make lots of fast friends.


Your therapist says it's OK. In fact, she or he might be there. (I know a few therapists who partake.)


The American Psychiatric Association has gotten kinky. Well, not quite -- its annual meetings each May are pretty buttoned-up affairs. But its newest catalog of mental illnesses, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (known as the DSM V) does some unzipping. You can now do whatever, with whomever (consent required, please), on your own or in groups, and be in the pink of mental health -- so long as you don't suffer "clinically significant distress or impairment."


Credit cultural change, kinky lobbyists (the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom pressed the APA to stop diagnosing edgy pleasures), or -- who knows. But the committees of psychiatrists who rethink disease categories when the APA revises its diagnostic manual dropped "fetishes" sans "distress or impairment" from their list of disorders.


If your style of kinky fun is fetish-free (the APA defines "fetishism" as sexual use of "inanimate objects"), the new erotic liberation still has you covered. The DSM used to treat all "paraphilias" (APA-speak for "atypical" sexual practices) as sicknesses; not any more, so long as the fun is distress-free.


So what Christian and Anastasia do in Fifty Shades of Grey is (mostly) healthy, as of the DSM V's May 2013 release date. So are sex parties of the sort enjoyed by Dominique Strauss-Kahn -- the next president of France, until his alleged doings with a hotel housekeeper undid him.


Psychiatry's new sexual willingness came along just in time to save the field from embarrassment. If millions of Americans are getting kinky (or want to), diagnosing kink as disease would expand the ranks of the mentally ill implausibly. ...

"The rise of the “solosexual”: How millennials are rewriting the rules of sexuality"

on Sunday, 23 August 2015. Hits 412

Look out, Pat Robertson. Data confirm 20-somethings are less likely to identify as heterosexual than ever before


by NICO LANG, Daily Dot

Somebody warn Pat Robertson: The gay agenda has struck again.


According to a recent survey from YouGov, 50 percent of British millennials don’t label themselves as completely heterosexual. Forty-three percent of 18-to-24-year-olds identify somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale—which lists sexual orientation on a spectrum of one to six. “With each generation, people see their sexuality as less fixed in stone,” YouGov reports.


The easy explanation for this phenomenon is that such open-minded thinking about sexuality reflects the “no labels” ethos proffered by actress Kristen Stewart and singer Miley Cyrus, who famously told Paper magazine: “I am literally open to every single thing that is consenting and doesn’t involve an animal and everyone is of age. … Yo, I’m down with any adult—anyone over the age of 18 who is down to love me.”


More from The Daily Dot: “Hillary Clinton’s evolving response to her private email scandal”


However, it’s not just that young people are eschewing labels but evolving notions of sexuality offer an increasing array of options outside the traditional boxes of gay and straight. No one has to put a label on it, but for those who do, a new generation is rewriting the rules.


For instance, an April 2015 post for Kinkly described the rise of the “solosexual,” which the site’s Jason Armstrong describes as “men who prefer masturbation over other sorts of sexual activity.” Armstrong continues, “There is a growing subculture of men who are finding that masturbation is the best sex of their lives. … They are meeting each other online on sites such as or where masturbating on cam is the focus.”


Forty-three percent of 18-to-24-year-olds identify somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale—which lists sexual orientation on a spectrum of 1 to 6.


While Armstrong asserts that many solosexuals still engage in intercourse, according to Rain City Jacks founder Paul Rosenberg, these men “aren’t really interested in dating at all.” Rosenberg told the Huffington Post, “They just kind of want to play with themselves and share that experience with others.” Rosenberg and Armstrong describes the act as reclaiming the love of masturbation in a positive community—whether that’s in sex clubs or on the Internet.


Surprisingly, solosexuals come from all ends of the sexual spectrum; many are gay, while others identify as bisexual or maybe even straight. Some might not state a preference at all. As Rosenberg argues, “I would say it’s geared toward male solo-sex and gay sex, but if you don’t have penetration, a lot of people wouldn’t even define that as sex.”


However, solosexuals aren’t the only subculture to use the dating app and hookup revolution to create their own niche community on the Internet. Last year, OkCupid expanded its sexuality options to include “demisexual,” “heteroflexible,” and “pansexual,” which are already widely accepted categories of identification.


However, the site also added “sapiosexual,” which signifies that you value intelligence over all other qualities in a partner. The term exploded in popularity on OkCupid, branded the worst new dating trend of 2015 by Bustle’s Gabrielle Moss. While the term had its defenders and proponents, the flurry of thinkpieces on the topic signified that this was a bridge too far. ...

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