Robert Dunlap, a certified sex educator from California, gets three or four requests a day from couples expressing an interest in and even seeking coaching for the latest trend in kink -- BDSM, an overlapping acronym for bondage and discipline; dominance and submission; sadism and masochism.
"It's such an explosion," said Dunlap, co-founder of the online site, Sex Coach University. "It's happening now because of the book."
"It's absolutely been astounding how many students we get inquiries from on a daily basis," he said. Dunlap is also getting requests from sex educators to learn proper coaching in the practice.
Devotees say that even though the popularity of the book "normalizes" what used to be a fringe sexual practice, they worry that a piece of fiction gives BDSM a "bad" name.
"On the one hand if you are looking at it as a formulaic romance novel, it fits the formula perfectly," said Emily Prior a BDSM/Kink/Fetish teacher at Sex Coach University and director of the Los-Angeles-based Center for Positive Sexuality. "But if your audience is people who already are in a lifestyle or are being introduced to the lifestyle, it starts to give misinformation."
"It perpetuates the ongoing idea that people who do this are broken in some way," she said. "And this is not true."
Dunlap, who has chronicled the practice of BDSM, interviewing hundreds of fetishists for his 2001 film, "Beyond Vanilla," said that the practice demands strict rules of safety.
"When two people want to get involved, their negotiation is up front," he said. "They are going to have a safe word: 'When I say, it ends. Period.' Most use a stop sign. Green means 'go.' Yellow means 'caution' and 'red' ends it."
"Play is also negotiated," said Dunlap. "For example, if you are doing flogging or whipping, 'Tell me during the process if you want to be hurt. Is it too hard? Is it too soft?'"
The BDSM craze has hit Britain, as well, according to Susan Quilliam, a relationship psychologist and sex advice columnist who is writing an academic piece on the trilogy for the Journal of Family Planning as well as running an exploratory workshop for the British couples. ...
During a pivotal scene in The Master, Paul Thomas Anderson’s engrossing psychological drama based (in part) on the life of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, the charismatic mystic Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman) is gazing at himself in the mirror. His cunning wife, Peggy (played by the oft-bubbly Amy Adams), has been sensing an animal-like attraction between her husband and an unstable drifter, Freddie Quell (Joaquin Phoenix). In order to mitigate his urges, she unzips his trousers, locks eyes with his reflection, and gives him a furious hand-job. “Cum for me,” she says.
And this masochistic sex act, delivered by none other than the princess from Enchanted, is just the tip of the … iceberg.
Whereas last year, amid all the priggish costume dramas, the only film during awards season that got movie-going audiences all hot and bothered was the NC-17-rated Shame, which featured its star Michael Fassbender urinating on camera and engaged in a raunchy three-way sex scene that included a rare “tossed salad,” this year’s batch of Oscar hopefuls boasts a plethora of sex acts ranging from the impressive to the downright bizarre. Call it the Fifty Shades of Grey effect.
Over the summer, audiences gagged at the sight of Gina Gershon forcibly fellating a chicken leg situated in the crotch of a psycho killer, played by Matthew McConaughey, in William Friedkin’s impressive dark comedy, Killer Joe. And in another McConaughey film, the male-stripping extravaganza Magic Mike, randy viewers were treated to a close-up shot of Big Dick Richie (True Blood hunk Joe Manganiello) inflating his gigantic penis in a pump.
This year’s crop of fall film releases courting Oscar can be divided into two distinct categories: hand-jobs and the handicapped. ...
Advocates for people who engage in rough but consensual sex say they fear an abuse case unfolding in Missouri ultimately could criminalize their lifestyle.
Ed Bagley faces a federal trial early next year on 11 counts of abuse against a woman authorities say he groomed to be his sex slave. Now prosecutors plan to present consensual, though violent, acts between Bagley and his own wife as evidence that Bagley has a history of sexually assaulting women.
The case will include evidence of "sadistic sexual assaults" committed by Bagley against his wife, Marilyn, prosecutors say.
"Marilyn Bagley's 'consent' to the sexual assaults by Defendant Edward Bagley does not change whether the acts legally constitute assault or not. Pursuant to the Missouri state assault statute ... consent is not a defense to assault resulting in serious physical injury," prosecutors wrote in court documents filed last month.
Some worry the government's assertion could open up people who practice bondage, dominance, sadism and masochism — or BDSM — to criminal charges for consensual acts they're already performing, said Susan Wright, founder of the Baltimore-based National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.
"We are following this case specifically because we were hoping this issue would not come up," she said.
Ed Bagley, 45, of Lebanon, Mo., is accused of grooming a young woman to be his sex slave starting in 2002, then keeping her captive for years while making money from her images on fetish Internet sites and forcing her to work as a dancer at strip clubs. Marilyn Bagley, 47, is charged with five counts, including sex trafficking and forced labor trafficking.
Both have pleaded not guilty and are scheduled for trial in February.
Prosecutors claim Bagley, known as "Master Ed," tortured the young woman and made her available to other men who came to his trailer, either to torture or have sex with her. Four men, who said they visited Bagley's trailer to watch or take part, have pleaded guilty to conspiracy charges.
The case came to light in early 2009 after the woman, then 23, was hospitalized after what prosecutors said was a torture session. Then-U.S. Attorney Beth Phillips called the case one of "the most horrific ever prosecuted in this district."
Advocates for the BDSM community say even the most brutal acts detailed in Bagley's federal indictment are not criminal acts, as long as there was consent. But if the woman was too young or not intelligent enough to consent, as prosecutors allege, or if she initially gave consent and then changed her mind, most who spoke with the AP said that would be criminal sexual abuse.
It's the inclusion of Bagley's acts with his wife in the case that concerns BDSM advocates and Bagley's attorney, Susan Dill.
"Like many people from all walks of life, my client and his wife engaged in what some might term alternative, but nonetheless, consensual sexual activity that they both enjoyed," Dill said in an email to The Associated Press. "The assertion that their consensual, marital sex life is evidence of prior criminal activity is nonsensical." ...
There may be a less obvious reason so many women are swooning over 50 Shades of Grey. A speaker at last week's adult toy show in Las Vegas described how women may not be so interested in the sex in 50 Shades of Grey, but instead in the titillating example of a man (Christian) giving a woman (Ana) such an unusual amount of attention.
Christian dotes on Ana, seemingly drunk with her very essence. He often arrives unexpectedly, surprising her with gifts and exciting excursions, and is always thinking of her. (If he weren't so rich or good looking, Ana might have issued a restraining order. But that would have made for a different story.)
At times Ana is not sure how she feels about Christian or the relationship, but what she does know is that getting so much focused attention from a hot, rich man turns her on. And apparently reading about it turns on the reader as well.
Despite the demanding, power-hungry sides of Christian, it is not hard to imagine heeding his every whim. But, let's face it, in the real world, while love can last a lifetime, that obsessive attention that we lavish on another human being when we are first together ("new relationship energy") inevitably wanes within the first year.
And real-life men will never, no matter how wealthy or good looking, live up to that extreme level of attention-giving (or getting, for that matter) year after year.
We all miss the time when we had all of our partner's attention. At the beginning of the relationship he/she listened intently, we talked until the wee hours of the morning and he/she disclosed how much we were cherished. It was HOT.
But every relationship gets only one "new relationship energy" kick. Christian and Ana will inevitably fall into routine domesticity too after a couple of kids and a number of trips to the renovation store.
If we believe that 'being seen and valued' is the real attraction of 50 Shades, perhaps the solution is simple: Polyamory. Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
If women are seeking attention (and hot sex), then having more than one man paying attention to them may be just the answer they have been seeking.
Carrie, a 39-year-old polyamorous woman, believes that polyamory is the solution to getting the attention that she craves. She has been married to Craig for over nine years and also has had a boyfriend for the last year. ...
Although media coverage of the Fifty Shades series has died down, the book remains at the top of bestsellers lists. But the readers driving the series' popularity may surprise some. While shopping in a bookstore recently, one of us watched a mother and her young teenage daughter giggle secretively together as they placed something in their baskets... two copies of Fifty Shades of Grey. The expected demographic for the Bondage Discipline Sadomasochism (BDSM) series was married women over age 30. However, given the intense media coverage and the books' immense popularity, they have found a fan base in a much younger demographic.
Much of the media attention thus far has focused on the BDSM relationship between the two main characters. What's missing, though -- in the media, probably in our book clubs and certainly in our conversations with our teenage daughters -- is a discussion of a serious and dangerous aspect of their relationship.
Let's be clear: We're not talking about BDSM. Our concern is that the interaction between the characters outside the bedroom has been ignored.
From the beginning of the series, Christian Grey's need to control Ana Steele is unmistakable. He gives her a laptop and BlackBerry so she can be instantly available and shows up at her house when she doesn't respond quickly enough. He flies thousands of miles to her mother's house, unexpected and uninvited. The examples go on and on. These events are explained away as romantic, as products of Christian's intensity, his wealth, his need to control, his childhood abuse. But they are not romantic, nor are they justifiable. They are hallmarks of intimate partner violence (IPV).
Christian's actions exemplify two specific types of IPV: intimate partner stalking and coercive control, both common forms of violence against women. Intimate partner stalking includes repeated and unwanted contact or attention that causes the victim to fear her own safety or the safety of others. Over 16 percent of women have experienced stalking during their lifetimes, and two-thirds of those have been stalked by an intimate partner, such as a boyfriend, spouse or girlfriend. Although alarming, these rates likely underestimate the actual prevalence, as most instances of IPV are not reported to the police. The most common form of stalking is repeated and unwanted phone calls or text messages; Christian's first gifts of a laptop and BlackBerry may not be coincidental. Ana responds with a combination of negative and positive feelings and ultimately accepts his behaviors. This ambivalence can be common in victims of IPV, and it in no way makes the behavior acceptable.
While the series is replete with examples of stalking, Christian's other method of IPV is coercive control. The purpose of coercive control is to gain power in the relationship, to assert dominance, or to change the behavior of others. Christian is forthcoming that control -- including control of Ana -- is of utmost importance to him; it is impossible to find a chapter in the series that does not include an example of coercive control. ...
I was wondering what you think about the Folsom Street Fair, the annual gay leather/fetish/BDSM street fair in San Francisco. Do you think it is still a socially relevant display? Or do you think that in this time when we are fighting for civil rights and equality that it does more harm than good?
— Better Displaying San Francisco
I'm pretty sure that the Folsom Street Fair remains socially relevant — and highly so — to folks in the leather/fetish/BDSM scene in San Francisco. It's also relevant to anyone who believes in freedom of sexual expression. (For an idea of what Folsom looks like, and to see the scale of the thing, search for "Folsom Street Fair" on YouTube.)
And it's important to emphasize that the Folsom Street Fair, which took place last weekend, isn't exclusively gay. Thousands of straight kinksters attend every year. About the only difference between the straight attendees and the queer ones is that no one claims that the kinky straight people at Folsom make all heterosexuals everywhere look like sex-crazed sadomasochists. (For the record: Sex-crazed sadomasochists are my favorite kind of sadomasochists.)
Straight people, of course, aren't fighting for their fundamental civil rights. Kinky straights can marry in all 50 states, after all, and no one is pledging to kick kinky straights out of the armed forces or to write anti-kinky-straight bigotry into the US Constitution. So maybe it's not the same — maybe it's not as politically risky — when straight people come out in bondage gear, leather chaps, and pony masks. But straight people are a big part of Folsom, too.
But you didn't ask about kinky straight people. You wondered if the Folsom Street Fair was harming the struggle for LGBT equality.
The Folsom Street Fair has taken place on a Sunday in September in San Francisco every year since 1984. Pride parades have been taking place on a Sunday in June in cities all over the country since the early 1970s. And every year, we hear from concern trolls about the damage that's supposedly being done to the LGBT rights movement by all those drag queens, go-go boys, dykes, and leather guys at Pride or Folsom or International Mr. Leather.
But everyone acknowledges — even our enemies — that the gay rights movement has made extraordinary strides in the 43 years since the Stonewall Riots in New York City. We're not all the way there yet, we have yet to secure our full civil equality, but the pace of progress has been unprecedented in the history of social justice movements. The women's suffrage movement, for example, was launched in the United Sates in 1848. It took more than 70 years to pass the 19th Amendment, which extended the vote to women. In 1969, at the time of the Stonewall Riots, gay sex was illegal in 49 states. Gay sex is now legal in every US state, gay marriage is legal in six states and our nation's capital (and in all of Canada), and gays, lesbians, and bisexuals can serve openly in the military. (The armed forces still discriminate against trans people.) And we've made this progress despite fierce opposition from the religious right, a deadly plague that wiped out a generation of gay men, and — gasp — all those leather guys at Folsom and the go-go boys and drag queens at Pride.
We couldn't have come so far, so fast if Folsom or pride parades were harming our movement. And I would argue that leather guys, dykes on bikes, go-go boys, and drag queens have actually helped our movement, BDSF. They demonstrate to all people that our movement isn't just about the freedom to be gay or straight. Our movement is about the freedom to be whatever kind of straight, gay, lesbian, bi, or trans person you want to be. And freedom, as Dick Cheney famously said, means freedom for everyone — from pantsuit-wearing POS sellouts like Mary Cheney and Chris Barron to kinky straight people and hot gay boys in harnesses.
I don't think it's a coincidence that cities with big pride parades and events like Folsom are more tolerant and more accepting of sexual minorities than cities that don't have big gay parades and fetish street fairs. If an event like Folsom were actually counterproductive, BDSF, you would expect San Francisco to be less tolerant and less likely to back equal rights for sexual minorities, not more likely.
And finally, BDSF, any attempt to shut down the Folsom Street Fair — or to ban drag queens, go-go boys, dykes on bikes, or leather guys from pride parades — would be so poisonously divisive that it would do more harm to our movement than a thousand Folsom Street Fairs ever could. ...
Newly unsealed court documents reveal that a rare criminal libel investigation launched against a New Westminster resident this summer relate to alleged defamatory statements made online against an RCMP officer mired in a scandal over sexually explicit photos and other members of the force.
The B.C. Civil Liberties Association, which together with media outlets fought to unseal the records, is questioning why a criminal investigation was needed when defamation issues are normally handled through civil channels.
“The idea that a bunch of people with guns can take away your computer if you say the wrong thing on the Internet is anathema to free speech and democracy,” David Eby, the BCCLA’s executive director, said on Friday.
“Here, somebody was punished without proof of wrongdoing. He lost all his computers and had a search warrant executed at his house by armed police.”
A statement posted on the B.C. RCMP’s website says the search warrant was “a step in the collection of evidence” stemming from allegations of criminal behaviour by several individuals.
“The investigative team was tasked with investigating all aspects of several allegations and to follow investigative leads regardless of where those leads took them. This is what is expected in criminal investigations,” the statement said.
Eby says the resident who was the subject of the Aug. 18 warrant told the association that 10 RCMP and New Westminster police officers took part in the search of his home.
According to the 71-page document in support of the search warrant, defamatory statements were published on the Erotic Vancouver website by a Daniel Fawkes and in various Twitter messages posted on the account of@De_Fawkes. Investigators traced the comments to an IP address belonging to a Grant Wakefield and police suspected his computer might contain evidence related to the defamatory statements.
The targets of the allegedly defamatory statements were RCMP members Cpl. Jim Brown and Sgt. Farid Siddiqui, both of the Coquitlam detachment, and retired police officers Insp. Fred Biddlecombe and Sgt. Darryl Pollock.
In July, Brown came under heavy scrutiny after The Vancouver Sun and other media reported that the officer appeared online in photographs depicting scenes of sexual bondage and dominance.
The RCMP announced at the time that the Coquitlam detachment first became aware of the staged photos back in December 2010. Because the images appeared on Brown’s personal flash drive, a code of conduct review by his superiors resulted in a warning and the matter was concluded, court documents say.
But in March of this year, a new investigation was opened after police learned the photos of Brown were online.
The court records state that the investigation was prompted after an individual, identified as “Informant A,” came forward to police with allegations against Brown and his “BDSM lifestyle” (bondage, dominance, sadism and masochism). Much of what this informant told police was blacked out in the records obtained this week.
In early July, knowing that media outlets were now aware of these photographs, a code-of conduct investigation was ordered against Brown with the Richmond RCMP tapped to lead the investigation.
In a public statement at that time, Assistant Commissioner Randy Beck said that while the force recognized an individual’s rights and freedoms when off duty, he was “personally embarrassed and very disappointed” that the RCMP would be linked to photos of that nature.
Days later, the court records state, yet another code-of-conduct investigation was launched against Brown because of the discovery in his briefcase of DVDs containing sexual images depicting Brown, and other items. Brown had previously been ordered not to bring such images to work, but Brown said he was only warned to be “mindful” about bringing such material to work, according to the documents. ...
Mistress Cyan first encountered BDSM at a party in the early '80s, following months of correspondence with the hostess, whose PO Box she found in a personal ad in a long-defunct fetish magazine called Encore.
"It was like, wow," she recalls. "There's loads of people tied up. They've got this woman inverted, okay, and this guy's dropping hot wax between her legs, and she's screaming, and I'm thinking, I gotta go... my God, how am I ever gonna explain if this place gets raided?"
But she stayed. Or rather, he stayed, and fell down the rabbit hole. Back then, Cyan was a married man, the director of operations for a $3.5 billion corporation that manufactured housewares and woodenware, with a company car, an expense account and two young sons. Thirty years later, at age 58, this stunning transgender powerhouse is the most respected professional dominatrix in Los Angeles, plus the founder and executive producer of DomCon, an annual convention in LA and Atlanta; a bondage model who has appeared on shows like Nip/Tuck and Las Vegas; a regular guest speaker at UCLA; a community leader commended by the city of West Hollywood for her Thanksgiving and Christmas charity slave auctions; and the owner of Sanctuary, a 7,000-square-foot commercial dungeon near LAX, which employs forty women and boasts nine themed playrooms named after Greek goddesses.
Circulating one of Sanctuary's weekly fetish parties a few Saturdays ago, she embraces old friends and giggles with newcomers, surveying the tattoos, corsets, feathers, nudity and meaningful stares. A spaghetti-strap dress in black crushed velvet rests on her slight, 124-lb frame as she monitors activity that can be sexual but can't be sex, resolving problems swiftly and calmly, with a soothing but firm poise, her patent leather red platforms amplifying the authority of her usual five feet ten inches.
The night before she'd gone to bed at 4 a.m., and at 5:30 a.m. her phone erupted with Hole's "Celebrity Skin" (I'm all I wanna be / a walking study / in demonology). When she picked up, she learned her sister-in-law was going into labor. After spending the entire day at the hospital, Cyan wonders aloud whether she's too tired to "play" with anyone tonight. ...