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"Non-monogamy showed me what it really means to be with someone"

on Monday, 07 December 2015. Hits 488

The Guardian

by Kate Iselin

Non­-monogamy, polyamory, open relationships: whatever your preferred term, it can be a heavy word to drop at the dinner table.

 

For many, it conjures up images of swinging 70s’ couples throwing keys in a bowl post-­fondue party, or sexual free-­for­-alls in darkened, Latex­-scented nightclubs.

 

It’s not even something with a stellar track record of media representation, either: when non-­monogamy is seen on our screens it’s usually in the context of a cult leader with a throng of brides, each of them clad in neck-high gingham and seeming to have more in common with the Manson family than any modern relationship.

 

For most of my life I was as monogamous as it was possible to be, almost to a fault. I found that jealousy would frequently rear its head if my partner or crush du jour was so much as spotted in the same room as someone who might chance at a flirt.

 

Only when I was in my mid­-20s did I meet a man who tipped that attitude on its head and told me that although he was as interested in me as I was in him, he was already in a successful open relationship and monogamy was not an option.

 

My choice was clear: I could either give it a chance and try dating someone who already had a partner, or risk losing them for good.

 

What I experienced surprised me in the best possible way. While I initially feared I would become a quivering nervous wreck at the thought of my partner with someone else, the openness and honesty we developed assuaged my fears and rid me of my worry of being a “back­-up girlfriend”.

 

At no point did I feel neglected or envious; indeed, I found non-­monogamy worked for me better than any relationship formula I’d seen in the past. I got to know my partner’s partner, and we got along well, and while they shared romantic weekends away and dinner dates together I was free to date and hook­-up as much as I wanted.

 

And spoiler alert: I did.

 

Once I let go of the fears and insecurities I had previously held around relationships, I was granted a fresh perspective on what it meant to be with someone. The more I thought about non­-monogamy, the more it made sense to me: the idea that we might meet someone and decide that we want to be with them and only them for the rest of our lives seemed unrealistic at best, and terrifying at worst. ...

"Practitioners of BDSM Found To Be Psychologically Healthy"

on Friday, 04 December 2015. Hits 441

MedicalResearch.com Interview with:

Tess M. Gemberling, M.A.

 

Medical Research: What is the background for this study?

 

Response: Many stereotypes of BDSM (bondage and discipline [B&D], dominance and submission [D/s], sadomasochism [SM],) exist; however, research with practitioners suggests these stereotypes are largely unfounded. Preliminary evidence implies BDSM practitioners are psychologically healthy individuals. This study was conducted to further evaluate these results.

 

Medical Research: What are the main findings?

 

Response: Along with other findings, the majority of results indicates practitioners are well functioning. Overall, participants are healthy in the mental, emotional, and interpersonal aspects of their lives. In addition, practitioners are often victims of violence but are not perpetrators of violence.

 

 

Medical Research: What should clinicians and patients take away from your report?

 

Response: Instead of stereotypes, we propose BDSM be thought of as a specialized interest, enjoyed without detriment. Therefore, practitioners should be treated with respect. For health professionals, this can be enacted by providing medical advice on BDSM practice only when requested by the patient or when unsafe activities are readily apparent. Instead, clinicians should remain focused on the presenting concerns.

 

Medical Research: What recommendations do you have for future research as a result of this study?

 

Response: Additional research can provide a more detailed understanding of practitioners’ functioning, such as how victimization relates to mental health. Further, future analyses can compare practitioners to other populations to understand how practitioners relate to others.

 

Citation:

 

Psychological Functioning and Violence Victimization and Perpetration in BDSM Practitioners from the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom,”

"Kinky people are mentally and emotionally healthy"

on Thursday, 03 December 2015. Hits 1032

WMBF (Myrtle Beach, SC)

 

University of Alabama and University of Central Florida researchers surveyed over 800 kinky people recruited by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) and found they were mentally and emotionally healthy.

 

"I was curious about the stereotypes from a mental health standpoint and we found that these kinky people are well functioning, with little mental health concerns," says Tess M. Gemberling, M.A., Co-Principal Investigator, University of Alabama. "They also have healthy romantic relationships."

 

The study, "Psychological Functioning and Violence Victimization and Perpetration in BDSM Practitioners from the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom," also investigated people's preferences for BDSM activities and fantasies, and explored whether violence is perpetuated against kinky people. It joins a growing body of research that refutes the stereotype that people who are kinky are inherently dangerous to themselves and others, which is at the root of the discrimination and persecution that kinky people experience.

 

"I wanted to explore more about how the stereotypes interface with reality," says Matt R. Nobles, Ph.D., Co-Principal Investigator, University of Central Florida. "Although more than half of the people in this study have been victims of violence or aggression, extremely few had perpetrated such themselves."

 

In the study, 7.7% of participants reported they had been victims of a BDSM-based hate crime, while 10.2% of participants reported they had been victims of an LGBT-based hate crime.

 

"Parallel to my work with sexual minorities, my interest is in looking at the nature of identity and mental health in a vulnerable group of people," says Robert J. Cramer, Ph.D., Co-Principal Investigator, University of Alabama. "Contrary to popular perceptions, our study shows kinky persons are largely mentally healthy when it comes to conditions such as depression, anxiety and suicide."

 

The study also confirms that for these kinksters it's primarily about consensual power exchange, with 98% preferring to take a specific power exchange role during BDSM. The most commonly reported practices were spanking, slapping and biting, and the use of sexual toys and equipment.

 

"Lawmakers can help by legally recognizing informed consent as the basis of healthy BDSM behavior," says Susan Wright, spokesperson for NCSF. "BDSM is intended to be a mutually beneficial experience that is done by consenting adults."

"Stoya’s James Deen bombshell: The porn star’s shocking revelation could change how we talk about consent"

on Thursday, 03 December 2015. Hits 475

Salon

by MARY ELIZABETH WILLIAMS

It was an abrupt and unambiguous declaration to her 226,000 Twitter followers — and her countless more fans. On Saturday, adult actress, writer and entrepreneur Stoya announced on Twitter, “That thing where you log in to the internet for a second and see people idolizing the guy who raped you as a feminist. That thing sucks.” And then, just to be very clear who she was talking about, she added, “James Deen held me down and f__ked me while I said no, stop, used my safeword. I just can’t nod and smile when people bring him up anymore.”

 

It was a shocking allegation, by one of the most powerful and respected women in the adult industry, against one of its most popular male stars — and a former costar and boyfriend. And the response was immediate. Supporters declared their #solidaritywithstoya, with adult star Joanna Angel saying, “He’s dead on the inside and dead to me. He’s literally the worst person I’ve ever met. That’s all I’ll say for now.” And in a Sunday letter on The Frisky, Amelia McDonell-Parry announced “Why The Frisky Will No Longer Be Publishing James Deen’s Sex Advice Column.” In it, she explained, “I asked him to do an advice column because I liked his directness and his confidence, but most of all, I liked his emphasis on communication, honesty and, most of all, CONSENT. That he has been accused of violating Stoya’s consent, that women I respect have since contacted me directly to say that they know of others to whom he has done the same thing? Well, I’m f__king heartsick over it. This makes it impossible for me to work with him any further, to give him a forum for giving advice that he is accused of not following himself. No amount of good rapport between us or traffic to his columns would EVER supersede the fact that I BELIEVE WOMEN.”

 

Two years ago, Stoya and Deen appeared to be, as the Village Voice called them, “the Jay-Z and Beyoncé of porn: They don’t quite acknowledge their relationship outright, but they drop glittering clues everywhere they go,” and described Deen as “one of 10 performers on her list of approved male talent she’s willing to have sex with.” In a Vice story she wrote that spring, Stoya didn’t name Deen but said, “Over the course of our relationship, I’ve had multiple conversations with the man I’m dating now about boundaries and feelings. I call him ‘Daddy,’ and as you might suspect, there are aspects of power exchange in our relationship. I am his. My body is his, my mouth, vagina, and a__hole are his — and my heart is his. Awareness and involvement are important to both of us…. I always thank him for each orgasm. In a different but very much equal way, he treats me with the same respect. Through trial and error, this is what we’ve decided works for our relationship.”

 

In an HuffPo Live interview that June, though, she acknowledged Deen as her boyfriend. And in the same conversation, she answered a question about rape culture, saying, saying that it’s perpetuated not by porn but by “people who don’t understand the difference between right and wrong.” Stoya knows the difference.

 

In a weekend piece for the Daily Beast, actress Tori Lux shared that “In June of 2011, while shooting at a major porn studio, I was assaulted by James Deen.” She says that while she explicitly told him no, “He proceeded to straddle my chest, pinning down my arms with his knees. Then, he raised his hand high above his head, swinging it down and hitting me in the face and head with an open palm. He did this five or six times—hard—before finally getting off of me.” She says that she “felt pressured to maintain a professional demeanor as this was a major porn set, with other people present and failing to intervene” and that she didn’t report it because “people — including the police — tend to believe that sex workers have placed themselves in harm’s way, and therefore can’t be assaulted. Of course, this claim couldn’t be further from the truth, as being involved in sex work does not equate to being harmed.”

 

On Sunday, Deen stepped forward on Twitter to say, “There have been some egregious claims made against me on social media… I want to assure my friends, fans and colleagues that these allegations are both false and defamatory…I respect women and I know and respect limits both professionally and privately.”

 

Meanwhile, Stoya — who says she is taking a social media break for work reasons — seems uninterested in pursuing any legal action over what she says happened. But what she has done has been to issue a decisive message that a woman whose Pornhub bio calls her “a pure alternative sex freak who can’t get enough body slamming with chicks and dicks” is entitled to as much respect for her boundaries as anyone else. What she’s done, potentially, could change her whole industry for the better, and encourage more performers to come forward with their own experiences. As journalist Laurie Penny puts it perfectly, “No means no. No matter what job you do. No matter if he’s your partner. No matter how many times you’ve said yes.” ...

Results of Mental & Emotional Health Study

on Tuesday, 01 December 2015. Hits 640

University of Alabama and University of Central Florida researchers surveyed over 800 kinky people recruited by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) and found they were mentally and emotionally healthy.

“I was curious about the stereotypes from a mental health standpoint and we found that these kinky people are well functioning, with little mental health concerns,” says Tess M. Gemberling, M.A., Co-Principal Investigator, University of Alabama. “They also have healthy romantic relationships.”

The study, Psychological Functioning and Violence Victimization and Perpetration in BDSM Practitioners from the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom,” also investigated people’s preferences for BDSM activities and fantasies, and explored whether violence is perpetuated against kinky people. It joins a growing body of research that refutes the stereotype that people who are kinky are inherently dangerous to themselves and others, which is at the root of the discrimination and persecution that kinky people experience.

“I wanted to explore more about how the stereotypes interface with reality,” says Matt R. Nobles, Ph.D., Co-Principal Investigator, University of Central Florida. “Although more than half of the people in this study have been victims of violence or aggression, extremely few had perpetrated such themselves.”

In the study, 7.7% of participants reported they had been victims of a BDSM-based hate crime, while 10.2% of participants reported they had been victims of an LGBT-based hate crime.

“Parallel to my work with sexual minorities, my interest is in looking at the nature of identity and mental health in a vulnerable group of people,” says Robert J. Cramer, Ph.D., Co-Principal Investigator, University of Alabama. “Contrary to popular perceptions, our study shows kinky persons are largely mentally healthy when it comes to conditions such as depression, anxiety and suicide.”

The study also confirms that for these kinksters it’s primarily about consensual power exchange, with 98% preferring to take a specific power exchange role during BDSM. The most commonly reported practices were spanking, slapping and biting, and the use of sexual toys and equipment.

“Lawmakers can help by legally recognizing informed consent as the basis of healthy BDSM behavior,” says Susan Wright, spokesperson for NCSF. “BDSM is intended to be a mutually beneficial experience that is done by consenting adults.”

"Why I Am No Longer a Sex-Addiction Therapist"

on Monday, 23 November 2015. Hits 3399

Psychology Today

by Joe Kort Ph.D.

In the 1980s, addiction models were becoming increasingly popular, and Patrick Carnes’ sex addiction model tagged onto that wave. Twelve-step groups on behavioral addictions were forming everywhere. The groups, as well as the information, were easily accessible, and clients understood the concept immediately. I became a certified sex addiction therapist, and fully embraced the model until 2010 when I began to see some serious flaws. For instance:

 

* Sex is not as simple as I had learned. It is far more complicated and messy psychologically, both very ordinary and very weird in everyone. Sexuality is a kind of mystery to us all, and may take us in all kinds of unexpected directions.

 

* The definition and treatment of sexual addiction is complicated by values, morality, and religious overtones of treatment providers. In the sex addiction model, sexual recovery is left to the therapist’s and spouse’s moral judgment and discretion. It lacks an informed, educated and research-oriented basis to assist the client to achieve his own sexual health.

 

* As our understanding of the range of human sexuality has expanded, many within our profession have ceased to pathologize certain sexual behaviors, recognizing that, practiced in safe and consensual ways, such behaviors often not only enhance people’s happiness and well being, but are neither “unnatural” nor “abnormal.” Rather they are part of the panoply of pleasure available to us as sexual beings.

 

* The sex addiction model uses the Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST), which therapists can administer to recognize areas that are “problematic” within their clients’ “arousal template.” Clients are asked if they have purchased romantic novels and sexually explicit magazines, spent time and money in strip clubs, have paid prostitutes, or even if anyone has been upset by their behavior. They are asked if they regularly engage in sado-masochistic behavior, or regularly attend bathhouses, sex clubs, or porn shops, and whether they cruise parks. Thus, the SAST implicitly decides that viewing and purchasing romantic novels and sexually explicit magazines, or any of these other behaviors is wrong. However, many people do all these things and never have a problem.

 

* All too often, sex addiction therapy’s focus is on altering sexual behavior. For example, in the SA model a man who can’t stop undressing women in his mind is encouraged to manage his lust by self-policing how long he looks at a woman— the three-second rule. The assumption is that simply stopping the addictive behavior will bring him back to healthy sex and marriage. This keeps the focus on the sexual behavior, actually making things worse by putting the client at odds with his or her sexuality and actually causing the behaviors to increase. However, I have rarely experienced this to be successful.

 

Jack Morin, in his book, Erotic Mind, says it best: “If you go to war with your sexuality you will lose and cause more chaos than you started.” Doug Harvey Braun, author of "Treating Out Of Control Sexual Behaviors: Rethinking Sex Addiction" (link is external)  cautions removing a person’s erotic life in the process of trying to treat their so-called addiction, referring to it as an “eroticectomy.” In the sex addiction model the client is led to believe that if they return to that sexual behavior they will relapse into sexual compulsivity. So they build a life around avoiding the behaviors and fantasies with strong boundaries rather than accepting and befriending this part of themselves and learning to control it rather than it controlling them. ...

"KinkBNB Brings Sharing Economy to the ‘Sex-Positive’ Community"

on Saturday, 21 November 2015. Hits 478

KQED

By Susan Cohen

When you sign up for an account at KinkBNB.com, you’re given a list of password security questions. Some are recognizable from other websites: Where was your mother born? What is your third-grade teacher’s last name?

 

Others, however, are much less conventional, but more fitting of KinkBNB’s clientele. Top or bottom? What is your safe word? Sadist or masochist?

 

Like many other sites capitalizing on the sharing economy, KinkBNB hopes to fill a void. The San Francisco-based startup operates much like its namesake, Airbnb, but provides more erotic accommodations. Hosts can rent out their bedrooms, sex dungeons and porn production studios. In exchange, guests gain access to an intimate getaway.

 

Darren McKeeman was inspired to launch the site when a friend of his, local sex educator Eve Minax, made a complaint about Airbnb on Facebook earlier this year. Her listing on the home-sharing site, which advertised access to her personal dungeon as an additional amenity, had unexpectedly vanished. The post included potentially graphic photos of the room, which Minax says were taken by an Airbnb photographer.

 

(According to Airbnb’s terms of service, the company prohibits users from being able to “post, upload, publish, submit or transmit any Content that … is defamatory, obscene, pornographic, vulgar or offensive.” A spokesman from the company adds: “Removing an individual from Airbnb is rare and done only after serious consideration and a review of a variety of factors.”)

 

McKeeman, who has had a long career in tech and IT, saw Minax’s Facebook post and immediately bought the KinkBNB url. It cost him $12. Ryan Galiotto, co-owner of SoMa’s Wicked Grounds Kink Cafe & Boutique, and Matias Drago soon rounded out the team. The site now has listings in more than 60 cities and 20 countries. ...

"All you need is love(s)"

on Friday, 20 November 2015. Hits 500

Columbia Spectator

BY AIDAN GOLTRA

To manage her multiple relationships, School of Engineering and Applied Science junior Arya Popescu uses Google Calendar.

 

Like any other busy student, Popescu has work to manage, homework to do, and assignments to complete. But despite her busy schedule, Popescu found a polyamorous niche embedded within an apparently vibrant kink and bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism community at Columbia. Sitting with me at a table outside Hartley Hall, Popescu speaks rapidly and with verve about the community, making frequent use of hand gestures.

 

“I found out Columbia had a kink community and was like, ‘Oh my god, this is so awesome. In that context poly is normal.”

 

A standard definition of polyamory, often shortened to “poly,” is non-monogamy. However, according to Popescu, this definition is too broad. She explains that while non-monogamy could be used to label every incident of infidelity or random group sex, none of these acts fall under polyamory’s umbrella. In ethical polyamory, what often looks like and is judged like deceit in fact follows consensual, pre-determined rules.

 

It is perhaps these loose associations, along with a traditional allegiance to monogamy, that keep polyamory from gaining popular acceptance. According to a 2015 Gallup Social Poll, while acceptance of polyamorous marriage has more than doubled since 2001, approval remains at a mere 16 percent.

 

Throughout our interview, Popescu repeatedly said that she didn’t view one relationship model as superior, just different from one another. Still, she believes most people take a perspective on polyamory that is too informed by monogamy.

 

“Really the practice of ethical polyamory involves a lot of openness and mutual communication. Sometimes it’s like, ‘Oh, give me all the gory details.’ Other times, not so much. There’s this mindfulness and openness and active consent regarding relationship practices in the polyamorous community.”

 

For Popescu, this openness allows her to pursue a spectrum of relationships suited to her different desires and needs, ranging from platonic friendships to what she describes as a “primal” sexuality. On one hand, Popescu says her most intimate relationship is with someone who identifies as asexual. While she and Popescu have “played” together, Popescu says that for the most part, their relationship is platonic.

 

On the other hand, Popescu is president of Conversio Virium, Columbia’s BDSM and kink club. This involves being plugged into a large and private kink network, through which she can pursue many sexual, but less intimate relationships. Yet Popescu does not associate with these people much in her daily life.

 

Interested in observing the polyamorous scene of New York City at large, I visited Bluestockings Cafe in Midtown’s Astor Place, a bookstore where every few weeks the polyamorous club Open Love NY meets. “We try to create a nonjudgmental group that just so happens to love the same way,” Open Love NY Vice President Puck Malamud, whose pronoun is they, says. The group also aims to educate about polyamory through speakers and group discussion. ...

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