In the 1980s, addiction models were becoming increasingly popular, and Patrick Carnes’ sex addiction model tagged onto that wave. Twelve-step groups on behavioral addictions were forming everywhere. The groups, as well as the information, were easily accessible, and clients understood the concept immediately. I became a certified sex addiction therapist, and fully embraced the model until 2010 when I began to see some serious flaws. For instance:
* Sex is not as simple as I had learned. It is far more complicated and messy psychologically, both very ordinary and very weird in everyone. Sexuality is a kind of mystery to us all, and may take us in all kinds of unexpected directions.
* The definition and treatment of sexual addiction is complicated by values, morality, and religious overtones of treatment providers. In the sex addiction model, sexual recovery is left to the therapist’s and spouse’s moral judgment and discretion. It lacks an informed, educated and research-oriented basis to assist the client to achieve his own sexual health.
* As our understanding of the range of human sexuality has expanded, many within our profession have ceased to pathologize certain sexual behaviors, recognizing that, practiced in safe and consensual ways, such behaviors often not only enhance people’s happiness and well being, but are neither “unnatural” nor “abnormal.” Rather they are part of the panoply of pleasure available to us as sexual beings.
* The sex addiction model uses the Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST), which therapists can administer to recognize areas that are “problematic” within their clients’ “arousal template.” Clients are asked if they have purchased romantic novels and sexually explicit magazines, spent time and money in strip clubs, have paid prostitutes, or even if anyone has been upset by their behavior. They are asked if they regularly engage in sado-masochistic behavior, or regularly attend bathhouses, sex clubs, or porn shops, and whether they cruise parks. Thus, the SAST implicitly decides that viewing and purchasing romantic novels and sexually explicit magazines, or any of these other behaviors is wrong. However, many people do all these things and never have a problem.
* All too often, sex addiction therapy’s focus is on altering sexual behavior. For example, in the SA model a man who can’t stop undressing women in his mind is encouraged to manage his lust by self-policing how long he looks at a woman— the three-second rule. The assumption is that simply stopping the addictive behavior will bring him back to healthy sex and marriage. This keeps the focus on the sexual behavior, actually making things worse by putting the client at odds with his or her sexuality and actually causing the behaviors to increase. However, I have rarely experienced this to be successful.
Jack Morin, in his book, Erotic Mind, says it best: “If you go to war with your sexuality you will lose and cause more chaos than you started.” Doug Harvey Braun, author of "Treating Out Of Control Sexual Behaviors: Rethinking Sex Addiction" (link is external) cautions removing a person’s erotic life in the process of trying to treat their so-called addiction, referring to it as an “eroticectomy.” In the sex addiction model the client is led to believe that if they return to that sexual behavior they will relapse into sexual compulsivity. So they build a life around avoiding the behaviors and fantasies with strong boundaries rather than accepting and befriending this part of themselves and learning to control it rather than it controlling them. ...
When you sign up for an account at KinkBNB.com, you’re given a list of password security questions. Some are recognizable from other websites: Where was your mother born? What is your third-grade teacher’s last name?
Others, however, are much less conventional, but more fitting of KinkBNB’s clientele. Top or bottom? What is your safe word? Sadist or masochist?
Like many other sites capitalizing on the sharing economy, KinkBNB hopes to fill a void. The San Francisco-based startup operates much like its namesake, Airbnb, but provides more erotic accommodations. Hosts can rent out their bedrooms, sex dungeons and porn production studios. In exchange, guests gain access to an intimate getaway.
Darren McKeeman was inspired to launch the site when a friend of his, local sex educator Eve Minax, made a complaint about Airbnb on Facebook earlier this year. Her listing on the home-sharing site, which advertised access to her personal dungeon as an additional amenity, had unexpectedly vanished. The post included potentially graphic photos of the room, which Minax says were taken by an Airbnb photographer.
(According to Airbnb’s terms of service, the company prohibits users from being able to “post, upload, publish, submit or transmit any Content that … is defamatory, obscene, pornographic, vulgar or offensive.” A spokesman from the company adds: “Removing an individual from Airbnb is rare and done only after serious consideration and a review of a variety of factors.”)
McKeeman, who has had a long career in tech and IT, saw Minax’s Facebook post and immediately bought the KinkBNB url. It cost him $12. Ryan Galiotto, co-owner of SoMa’s Wicked Grounds Kink Cafe & Boutique, and Matias Drago soon rounded out the team. The site now has listings in more than 60 cities and 20 countries. ...
To manage her multiple relationships, School of Engineering and Applied Science junior Arya Popescu uses Google Calendar.
Like any other busy student, Popescu has work to manage, homework to do, and assignments to complete. But despite her busy schedule, Popescu found a polyamorous niche embedded within an apparently vibrant kink and bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism community at Columbia. Sitting with me at a table outside Hartley Hall, Popescu speaks rapidly and with verve about the community, making frequent use of hand gestures.
“I found out Columbia had a kink community and was like, ‘Oh my god, this is so awesome. In that context poly is normal.”
A standard definition of polyamory, often shortened to “poly,” is non-monogamy. However, according to Popescu, this definition is too broad. She explains that while non-monogamy could be used to label every incident of infidelity or random group sex, none of these acts fall under polyamory’s umbrella. In ethical polyamory, what often looks like and is judged like deceit in fact follows consensual, pre-determined rules.
It is perhaps these loose associations, along with a traditional allegiance to monogamy, that keep polyamory from gaining popular acceptance. According to a 2015 Gallup Social Poll, while acceptance of polyamorous marriage has more than doubled since 2001, approval remains at a mere 16 percent.
Throughout our interview, Popescu repeatedly said that she didn’t view one relationship model as superior, just different from one another. Still, she believes most people take a perspective on polyamory that is too informed by monogamy.
“Really the practice of ethical polyamory involves a lot of openness and mutual communication. Sometimes it’s like, ‘Oh, give me all the gory details.’ Other times, not so much. There’s this mindfulness and openness and active consent regarding relationship practices in the polyamorous community.”
For Popescu, this openness allows her to pursue a spectrum of relationships suited to her different desires and needs, ranging from platonic friendships to what she describes as a “primal” sexuality. On one hand, Popescu says her most intimate relationship is with someone who identifies as asexual. While she and Popescu have “played” together, Popescu says that for the most part, their relationship is platonic.
On the other hand, Popescu is president of Conversio Virium, Columbia’s BDSM and kink club. This involves being plugged into a large and private kink network, through which she can pursue many sexual, but less intimate relationships. Yet Popescu does not associate with these people much in her daily life.
Interested in observing the polyamorous scene of New York City at large, I visited Bluestockings Cafe in Midtown’s Astor Place, a bookstore where every few weeks the polyamorous club Open Love NY meets. “We try to create a nonjudgmental group that just so happens to love the same way,” Open Love NY Vice President Puck Malamud, whose pronoun is they, says. The group also aims to educate about polyamory through speakers and group discussion. ...
West Chester Township officials revoked a business permit for a previously approved swingers club scheduled to open in December.
Officials cited a dated trespassing charge against the owners when rescinding the permit, owners of The Champagne Club confirmed to FOX19 NOW.
It was standing room only during Tuesday's West Chester Township Trustees meeting and many in attendance made their opinions known on one issue in particular --- a swinger’s club setting up shop inside city limits. “I’m adamantly opposed to allowing this kind of thing into our community,” West Chester Township resident Lisa Shu said.
The club, located on Harwood Court, aligned with West Chester’s “sexually oriented business” licensing resolution. It was set to open in an industrial area permitted under the “sexually oriented business” zoning rules.
Community members raised concerns once it came to light that the club would sit about 652 feet from a daycare. The law requires that such businesses be at least 500 feet away.
“Through this recent review process, the Township discovered the law governing sexually oriented businesses may have developed a distinction between “sexual encounter establishments” and other sorts of sexually oriented businesses. This distinction identified “sexual encounter establishments,” may not be entitled the same First Amendment protection as other sexually oriented businesses,” said Township Administrator Judi Boyko.
After opinions were expressed, the board made their decision to authorize a 9 month moratorium, or temporary ban, on the issuance of a license for a sexual encounter establishment. “The moratorium tonight will allow the board of trustees time to study possible changes to West Chester’s existing zoning resolution and license resolution regarding sexual-encounter businesses,” said West Chester Board of Trustees member Mark Welch.
FOX19 NOW tried to contact the owners of the Champagne Club, so far, we haven’t heard back from them. In a press release sent out last week, they expressed their side of this matter.
The press release stated, “We have operated a private club similar to this one in Indiana for four years with absolutely no problems needing police intervention. Our members are of high standards and never create an issue for neighboring businesses.”
The president of the board said in the next 9 months, he wants to research other cities that have establishments of this nature to see how those establishments fared in the community.
Liz and Garrett have been together for nine years.
The Kansas City area couple has been married for more than seven years. They say their relationship is strong but something is missing. That something, they say, is another woman.
“If somebody told me four years ago that I’m going to be looking for another woman to share my husband with, I’d be like, 'OK, what are you smoking'" Liz jokes.
KCTV5 is not identifying the couple by their last name.
Liz and Garrett’s polyamorous lifestyle is in the minority but not as much as you may think. New York University estimates five percent of American relationships practice some form of “consensual non-monogamy.”
“It wasn’t like we went out looking for this. It kind of fell into our lap,” Garrett explains.
A few years ago Liz and Garrett had a friend. She spent a lot of time with them and soon the three found themselves in a romantic relationship. When that part of the relationship ended, the couple realized they missed her and wanted a similar relationship with someone else.
“We’re not looking for somebody to have threesomes with and one night stands. Yes, sex would be a part of the relationship, the way it is for a marriage, but that’s not the primary thing,” Liz explains.
Liz and Garrett are on the dating site Open Minded. The site launched in April and promotes polyamory, which means being romantically involved with more than one person at the same time. It does not promote polygamy.
“We like to call it, ethical cheating,” said Brook Urick, a spokesperson for the Las Vegas-based site. “There are so many people who are in relationships who are unhappy. They’re cheating and being adulterous. It would be lot easier if they were just in an open relationship and be honest about what they want with their partner.”
About 40 couples in the Kansas City area have signed up along with 70 single men and 60 single women. ...
MEET loving couple John and Claudia, who have been together for seven years — though during the past three, he has bedded more than 40 other women.
But she does not mind a bit, having had flings with more than 60 men herself in that time.
The pair are part of a growing movement called polyamory, in which couples allow each other full sexual freedom, while maintaining their love and respect for each other.
Polyamorous dating website openminded.com has 36,002 UK members out of 180,000 worldwide.
John and Claudia credit polyamory with keeping their relationship alive and are now planning to get married and have children.
They even say they would invite previous partners to the wedding.
John has often had two or three sexual partners on the go at once. But while Claudia has had more flings, she says not all of them went all the way. She adds that she enjoys the flirting and the kissing as much as a full sexual encounter.
John, 28, who runs a music studio, says: “My friends find it so hard to get their heads around it. They say, ‘You let Claudia sleep with other guys? Aren’t you jealous?’
“But allowing each other to have multiple sexual partners actually strengthens our relationship.”
Claudia, 24, an artist from Islington, North London, says: “John is the man I love but I am only human in that I still fancy other men.”
She continues: “We met when I went along to see his band playing. At the time I was only 16, and a student.
“We were instantly attracted, and we dated quite normally for four years.
“Then we were apart for a while as I was away at university and he was travelling with his band, and we both cheated on each other — bizarrely on the same day, as we later discovered.
“When we met up we confessed to each other and at first I thought it would mean the end of our relationship. But then when I examined my feelings, I realised I did not really mind or even feel jealous.
“I loved John, and I did not want us to split up. I thought about it, and suggested we stay together, but in a new model of a relationship.
“We’d both be free to see and sleep with other people, but at the same time maintain a close, loving relationship.
“I’ve been at parties where John is openly kissing another woman and my friends cannot believe I don’t mind. Likewise, John has seen me hitting on a good-looking guy, and he turns away and lets me get on with it, knowing we may well end up in bed.”
A support group called the Polyamory Society has come up with a definition of the lifestyle. It says: “Polyamory is the non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. ...
Harvard University's Sex Week is in full swing, and what's a week of informing students about all things fornication without an instructive BDSM course? In the video above, watch Harvard Sex Week events coordinator Julia Lee discuss why the workshop is so important for students and how learning about it can be empowering.
Running a BDSM group is a time-consuming endeavor that requires two levels of communication and diplomacy – one within the kink community, and one with the municipal authorities where the group actually meets. That is assuming that the group in question does engage in quasi-public kink activities, either in a commercial or residential property. This is why group leaders tend to emphasize maintaining a low profile, and encourage participants to not “annoy the neighbors.” This usually leads to a high degree of secrecy, including when it comes to dealing with law enforcement.
Admittedly, that may be the best route to take, when one is talking about a group in a rural community, small town, or suburb. However, when it comes to groups in larger cities, it may be worthwhile to reach out to law enforcement, to build open communication with them. This may involve using a “what if” style of conversation at first, if only to test the waters, but no matter what, there are a few things to keep in mind when starting this conversation.
First, you will need to familiarize yourself with zoning laws, and any other ordinances that deal with social groups and their meetings – information that should be available at your local library, or at your local municipal building. You do not want to start talking with law enforcement if you are breaking any laws. Commercial properties are usually more difficult to deal with, since there would probably be variances of some kind needed, much like the ones required for adult book stores or strip clubs. Groups meeting in private residences can usually avoid any issues with the law, provided that there is no money changing hands for just the ability to attend an event in someone's house. A “membership fee” collected at a social gathering somewhere other than the house usually will be fine, but even a nominal fee for refreshments at a person's home probably would not be acceptable. As already mentioned, it's also smart to avoid upsetting the neighbors, even if that means having your guests meet at a nearby shopping center to park most of their vehicles, then carpooling.
When it comes to law enforcement, an ounce of prevention is always worth a pound of cure in their minds. Be prepared to show proactive steps that your organization uses or intends to use when it comes to selecting participants and rules of the house when it comes to safety. While the police probably won't want to hear about intricate details, they will appreciate “house rules” that specifically state that there are dire consequences if anyone makes it necessary to call an ambulance, in example. They will also be more likely to think that your organization is being responsible if there is a specific set of guidelines, and interview process for potential participants. Also, depending on how well communication in general goes, it might be a good idea to ask for input on this from law enforcement, because they definitely do have more experience in spotting and dealing with predators. The bottom line here is that it is a very good idea to build a good relationship with law enforcement, because they could become an unlikely ally in the future.
That brings us to potential problems in a community – groups or organizations that have already established a reputation for being generally intolerant of “different” people, whether it is a group that targets LGBT people, or a church that rails against “sins of the flesh” outside their building, or anything in between. No, it isn't a good idea to approach them at all, but it is a good idea to keep a watchful eye on them, in case they may happen to notice your group as a potential target. This is where a good relationship with law enforcement can come in, since these groups can tend to either call for police to act against their targets, or otherwise cause enough unrest to require police intervention. If the police department already knows your organization's leaders, and have worked well with them, there's a very good chance that the police will squash the actions of protesters that may try to act against your group. Again, the bottom line for police is maintaining peace, and if your group isn't causing them problems, they may view the protesters as the agitators they really are, and consider your group the true victims. Claims of corrupting morals of minors tend to fall on deaf ears when the police know very well that your group would never allow minors to be involved, for example.
The bottom line is that it's important to stress that your group is for consenting adults only, and that while you are open to discussing your lifestyle with people that are honestly curious, you are not out there to convert the masses to your way of life. On the contrary, you simply want to have the ability to meet and interact with similar people, without bothering or being bothered by anyone else. Opposition to BDSM is built on fear, and because the participants are viewed as different, it is relatively easy for opponents to mobilize followers. While it's not likely that anyone in the BDSM community can stop that, at least it's possible to keep them at bay, if the people that are charged with protecting the public know we're not a danger to the community at large.
For more writing by Liz Harrison go to: http://dungeon.theconservativefeminist.co/