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"Consent Explained by a Porn Star"

on Friday, 14 November 2014. Hits 734

What exactly is consent? We went to a porn star’s sex dungeon with Jill Soloway to find out.

Wifey creates and curates videos with women as the subject, not the object. It’s brought to you by Transparent creator Jill Soloway and founder Rebecca Odes.

"Bashara trial: Ex 'slave,' Gentz friend testify"

on Thursday, 13 November 2014. Hits 367

Channel 4

by Hank Winchester

Bob Bashara was back in court Tuesday sporting sunglasses because of eye surgery over the weekend, Local 4 is told.

More wild and salacious stories were heard about "Big Bob," the dungeon and his apparent obsession with his former mistress Rachel Gillett.

Terese Giffin is a former Bashara slave. She's also a former Chicago police officer. She met Bashara before his wife Jane's murder, but it was after the murder says that things became more intense. She said Bashara repeatedly called Giffin while he was locked up, begging her to get in touch with Gillett.

The court also heard from Frances Natalie, who met Joe Gentz on a dating website. They became friends. She revealed to the court that after the murder Gentz was nervous, agitated and living in fear.

The court will soon hear from a woman who first helped expose Bob Bashara's secret sex life. She's a former slave who Local 4 first interviewed days after the murder. Later, she took us inside Bashara's dungeon and soon she will tell her story in court. ...

"Kinky Sex Survey Says: You're Not as Deviant as You Think"

on Thursday, 13 November 2014. Hits 345


by Elizabeth Nolan Brown

Being sexually dominated. Having sex with multiple people at once. Watching someone undress without their knowledge. These are just a few of the totally normal sexual fantasies uncovered by recent research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. The overarching takeaway from this survey of about 1,500 Canadian adults is that sexual kink is incredibly common.

While plenty of research has been conducted on sexual fetishes, less is known about the prevalence of particular sexual desires that don't rise to the level of pathological (i.e., don't harm others or interfere with normal life functioning and aren't a requisite for getting off). "Our main objective was to specify norms in sexual fantasies," said lead study author Christian Joyal. "We suspected there are a lot more common fantasies than atypical fantasies."

Joyal's team surveyed about 717 Québécois men and 799 women, with a mean age of 30. Participants ranked 55 different sexual fantasies, as well as wrote in their own. Each fantasy was then rated as statistically rare, unusual, common, or typical.

Rare fantasies: Only two of the 55 sexual fantasies—sex with children and sex with animals—were found to be rare, occurring in less than 2.3 percent of the survey population.

Unusual fantasies: Nine fantasies were determined to be unusual: urinating on or being urinated on by a sexual partner, crossdressing, forcing someone to have sex, "sexually abusing a person who is drunk, asleep, or unconscious", watch two men have sex, being naked or partially naked in a public place, having sex with three or more men, and having sex with a stripper or prostitute. Less than 16 percent of all respondents said they fantasize about these things, although there were some notable gender differences. For instance, nearly a third of women have fantasized about having sex with three or more men, compared to 13 percent of men who've fantasized about it. Nearly 40 percent of men have fantasized about fucking a sex worker, compared to 12.5 percent of women. Men were also more likely to fantasize about forcing someone to have sex (22 percent versus 10.8 percent). ...

"The Foggy Edge of Sexual Consent"

on Friday, 07 November 2014. Hits 935

Pacific Standard

by Jillian Keenan

Responsible BDSM practitioners realize, perhaps more acutely than anyone else, that “yes” is not enough. We could all learn something from this stigmatized community, if only we’d talk more openly.

The first time I learned about safe words, I’d just been spanked.

“If we ever do something you don’t like, just say ‘red’ and I’ll stop,” my boyfriend told me later that night, as I squirmed on a hard chair during dinner. “You know that, right?”

I did not know that, actually.

“Like red light, yellow light, green light?” I asked.

My boyfriend—let’s call him John—nodded.

“Exactly,” he said.

I was 17 years old. John, my first boyfriend, was 24. (In the country where we lived at the time, that combination was perfectly legal.) We were young. We didn’t know anything about responsible BDSM even as we explored our kinks together. How were we supposed to learn? Neither of us owned a laptop, and I wasn’t about to research our unusual sexual fixation from a public Internet café. John and I were merely following our impulses into murky—and potentially dangerous—territory.

Consent is critical in every sexual expression. But those boundaries and responsibilities are heightened in kink. And they’re not always obvious. After all, it was only after a spanking—one of many—that John finally thought to introduce a safe word into our play. Before that, it would have been entirely possible for our consensual and mutually satisfying encounters to cross the line into assault. When hurting your partner as he or she cries and begs you to stop is part of the fun, how do we know where the fun stops? Can the foggy edge of kink teach us anything about sexual consent in general? ...

...The isolation of stigma also leaves kinky assault survivors with few ways to report crimes without exposing themselves to the victim-blaming, scorn, and condescending pity that are directed at sexual minorities even under the best of circumstances.

“There is such a strong stigma against BDSM that even people within the community are afraid to reach out and learn how to do things safely,” says Susan Wright, the spokesperson for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. “They’re more afraid of being ‘outed’ than they are of being assaulted. That stigma creates a haven for predators.”

It’s a cruel and dangerous cycle. To fight prejudice and misconceptions, we defend ourselves and our community. But the need to incessantly remind people that kink is not abuse makes it hard to admit that kinky relationships—just like vanilla relationships—sometimes do become abusive. When we’re made to feel that we must defend ourselves, we become afraid to perpetuate the stigma against us by calling out abuse. (Even, ground zero for sexual fetishists online, has refused to blacklist known predators in its midst.) One BDSM blogger described abusers in the kink community as “missing stairs” in a familiar house: people who have lived in the house for years avoid the gap automatically, but visitors are at risk of falling through.

A consent advocate and activist for marginalized sexual communities, who asked not to be named, told me that stigma adds an additional layer of risk when it forces BDSM practitioners to express our sexualities from behind the veil of pseudonyms.

“There are major figures in the BDSM community who have multiple restraining orders against them,” she says. “But how would their partners know that? When everyone uses pseudonyms, criminal histories are easy to hide. You can’t look up restraining orders under a fake name.” ...

"Jian Ghomeshi investigators hear from 3rd woman"

on Wednesday, 05 November 2014. Hits 374

3 women have come forward to police, investigation in its 'infancy'


Toronto police are asking for the public's help as they investigate former CBC radio host Jian Ghomeshi for what they are calling complaints of "assault and sexual assault" after three women alleged that they were attacked by him.

The investigation is in its "infancy," sex crimes Insp. Joanna Beaven-Desjardins said Saturday. None of the allegations has been proven.

She called on anyone with any evidence that could help the investigation to contact police and said potential evidence would include videos, photos or online messaging.

She encouraged any potential further victims to contact police as well — either to file a report, discuss their options or seek counselling.

"Even if they don't want to report but they want to talk to us, we welcome that," Beaven-Desjardins said at news conference.

Over the past week, several women have spoken with either the Toronto Star or CBC and claimed they were in some way attacked by Ghomeshi during romantic encounters. The majority of the women spoke with the media anonymously and, at the time, none of them had filed a police complaint.

Trailer Park Boys star Lucy DeCoutere told CBC News that Ghomeshi physically attacked her during a date in 2003. None of the women who spoke with the CBC instructed Ghomeshi to stop the alleged violence as it was happening.

Beaven-Desjardins would not say if any of the women who have filed police complaints are among those who spoke to the media.

CBC News has confirmed DeCoutere is one of the three women who have since come forward to the police. ...

"11 Ways to Tell Your Partner You're Kinky"

on Sunday, 02 November 2014. Hits 543

When "I want you to tie me up and spank me" just feels awkward.


by Margaret Corvid

So, you've got some kinks. For years, you have kept them locked safely away in your brain. Now you've screwed up your courage and you're ready to tell your partner about your kinks. As a professional dominatrix and a lifelong kinkster, I am well versed in the ways of the kinky disclosure, and I am here to help you move from horny hopes to real-life kinky action.

1. Before you begin, be relaxed and confident.
As celebrated advice columnist Dan Savage has often said, coming out about your kinky interests shouldn't be like disclosing a cancer diagnosis. Most of us with kinks have disclosed them to a previous partner, only to be met with shock or disgust. That experience leads us to approach telling our partners with some nervousness, but unfortunately that can set you up for failure. Nerves and worries spread easily, particularly to someone who knows you well, so bring up your kinks when you're feeling especially good about yourself.

2. Be simple, sober, and calm.
When you're talking about your kinks at first, have the conversations sober, with your clothes on, and when the two of you are not having a raging fight. You should both be in a good mood and have a little bit of time free to discuss this stuff. It's not necessarily a conversation you need to schedule in advance, but it's an important one; give it the space, time, and care it deserves.

3. Tell your partner the sexiest parts about your kinks — and what they might get out of them.
Whether your kink is getting tied up and spanked, or pegging your partner with a strap-on penis, when you roll it out, you should make your kinks sound as tempting and delightful as you know them to be! Temptation and delight, of course, are a two-way street. When your partner is indulging your kinks, they are also getting something in return — namely, a hot, horny, and responsive you. Kink, fetish, and BDSM are intense, and even someone who doesn't have a longstanding interest can get off on that delicious intensity. Say something like, "When you spank my butt, it turns me into a horny, wet she-devil who is ready to jump on your dick!" That's likely to go down well.


Consent in the BDSM World

on Friday, 31 October 2014. Hits 700

Huffington Post Live

by Ricky Camilleri

This week several women came forward and accused radio host Jian Ghomeshi of sexual assault. But the Canadian star insists they were all consensual BDSM encounters. Does his defense have merit? We take a closer look at consent and kinky sex.

NCSF's Susan Wright joins Huff Post Live with Kitty Stryker (Consent Culture) and Margaret Corvid to talk about Consent in the World of BDSM.

"Jian Ghomeshi: 8 women accuse former CBC host of violence, sexual abuse or harassment"

on Thursday, 30 October 2014. Hits 455

One woman, actor Lucy DeCoutere, alleges she was slapped and choked without her consent.

Toronto Star

Eight women from across Canada now accuse former CBC host Jian Ghomeshi of abusive behaviour ranging from allegations of beating and choking without consent, to workplace sexual harassment.

The allegations the Star is probing range from 2002 to the present.

One of the women, popular Canadian television actor Lucy DeCoutere, has agreed to be identified. DeCoutere, who plays Lucy on Trailer Park Boys , recalls an incident in 2003 when she alleges Ghomeshi, without warning or consent, choked her to the point she could not breathe and then slapped her hard three times on the side of her head.

“He did not ask if I was into it. It was never a question. It was shocking to me. The men I have spent time with are loving people,” said DeCoutere, who, when she is not acting on the television show, is a captain in the Royal Canadian Air Force in New Brunswick.

Ghomeshi, 47, was fired Sunday from his job as host of Q , a flagship radio show of the publicly funded broadcaster. Ghomeshi has alleged in a lawsuit filed the next day that CBC made a “moral judgment” that his practice of a bondage-sadism sex life was wrong. He is suing the CBC for $55 million for defamation and breach of trust and the corporation has said it will “vigorously” defend itself against Ghomeshi’s lawsuit.

The Star has presented Ghomeshi, his lawyers and his public relations staff with the allegations in this story and they have yet to respond.

He met some of the women during his 2012 tour to promote 1982 , his best- selling memoir about a year in high school in Thornhill. Others he met at film festivals, at music or CBC events, or at the CBC workplace.

Two of the women who allege they were physically assaulted also say that before the alleged assaults in his home he introduced them to Big Ears Teddy, a stuffed bear, and he turned the bear around just before he slapped or choked them, saying that “Big Ears Teddy shouldn’t see this.”

One of the new women to come forward is a woman in her mid-20s who was a CBC producer in Montreal who dreamed of being on Q . He met her at one of his book signings. Ghomeshi allegedly took her to his hotel room, threw her against the wall and was very “forceful” with her. She said she performed oral sex “to get out of there.” The woman, who still works in the media but not at CBC, said she decided not to complain about his behaviour because she feared he was too powerful.

“I felt like Jian was CBC god,” she told the Star in an interview. She is the second CBC woman to come forward with allegations of sexual harassment by Ghomeshi. The CBC has announced they are investigating the first case, where Ghomeshi allegedly told a CBC staffer he wanted to “hate f---” her.

Generally, the stories the women have told the Star describe a man obsessed with his image and power, and someone who they say has little or no respect for barriers.

Over the course of the Star’s investigation, women who say they were victimized said they did not feel comfortable putting their name to the allegations. Some say they feared retaliation from Ghomeshi, online harassment and a negative impact on their careers.

DeCoutere said it was time for someone to speak publicly about the matter.

She first met Ghomeshi at a barbecue at a Banff television festival in 2003. They chatted and, in time, she visited Toronto and they had dinner at a restaurant on the Danforth. She recalls him telling her how famous he was and “how lucky you are to be with me.” They went back to his house in Riverdale. DeCoutere said they began making out and then she alleges he pushed her against the wall, choked her with his hands around her neck and then slapped her three times. ...

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