By protecting the identities of people with a history of abusive behavior, FetLife.com leaves members of the BDSM community vulnerable to harm.
by DAVID Z. MORRIS
The Fifty Shades of Grey books have unleashed a wave of mainstream interest in kinky sex since their arrival in 2011. The film version, which hit theaters on February 14, will probably trigger a second surge. But the kink community is less than enthusiastic about that.
“I’m not looking forward to it,” says Autumn Lokerson, a BDSM blogger and self-identified submissive.
That’s because Lokerson has seen many Fifty Shades converts dive headfirst into BDSM, without taking much time to educate themselves about the elaborate rules, rituals, and culture that have developed over decades. Her main concern is that newbies can put themselves in danger. All those rules—summed up by the oft-repeated community mantra "Safe, Sane, Consensual"—are vital to making risky practices like bondage and the infliction of pain safer.
Also worrisome is that many dipping a toe in the waters of BDSM will start exploring through FetLife, which, with more than 3.5 million members, is the most popular social networking site for kinksters. FetLife lets members discuss issues, explore their desires, and arrange offline events and dates. But Lokerson and others have long contended that FetLife does an inadequate job of safeguarding its users, and even creates a false sense of safety in the community—primarily, by preventing identification of abusive members.
Just as the rest of society has more openly confronted the ugly reality of rape, the BDSM scene has had to acknowledge that "Safe, Sane, Consensual" is often more of an ideal than reality. In 2011, Kitty Stryker, a blogger and longtime member of the BDSM community, spoke out about having her negotiated boundaries repeatedly violated by people she trusted. This triggered a flood of similar accounts across blogs, message boards, and discussion threads.
In 2013, these anecdotes were backed up by a survey by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, a group that works for the legal protection of alternative sexual practices. The survey found that 30 percent of people who participated in BDSM had had their pre-negotiated boundaries violated by a partner.
Revelations of abuse also frequently surface on FetLife. But these discussions are seriously limited—Fetlife doesn’t allow users to name their abusers. In a 2012 forum thread titled “Confessions: TRIGGER WARNING,” dozens of members accused others of violating their consent, using their FetLife screen names. However, FetLife administrators quickly emailed the user who started the thread, requesting that all usernames be removed. The thread can still be viewed in its anonymized version by registered Fetlife users.
Many of the stories shared on FetLife are horrific. One user shared this message from a FetLife admin regarding accusations against a high-ranking community member, whose username is here replaced with [Tribe Leader]:
My name is Maureen, and I’m writing to let you know that we’ve removed a post you made in your status referring to [Tribe Leader] that said: “[Tribe Leader] has anally raped a person who was bound and gagged and unable to resist” I’m very sorry, but I’m afraid we don’t allow criminal accusations to be made anywhere on Fetlife against another member : (
The frowny face is a nice touch.
Fifty Shades of Grey sparks wide interest in erotic subculture
By Li Lin
"I love being dominant, and the feeling of power I have in our sexual role-playing games," says 28-year-old Ada Ling, a certified nurse who lives and works in Beijing.
"[And] I love being trampled by her, especially when she's wearing high heels," her 26-year-old boyfriend, university tutor and graduate student Xiao Wu explains.
Xiao and Ling met roughly two years ago on a BDSM message board. While in the popular imagination, BDSM most often evokes images of skintight leather suits and whips, practitioners of BDSM usually define it in relational terms - as forms of erotic play based on control and uneven power dynamics.
In the wake of the release of Fifty Shades of Grey, which depicts a young woman's sexual awakening and initiation into the world of BDSM, the erotic subculture has been garnering considerable attention around the world.
Although neither the film nor the best-selling trilogy of novels by EL James upon which it is based have been officially released on the Chinese mainland, a frenzy of interest around BDSM has nevertheless developed in the country.
"For me, BDSM is like a secret garden, in which I'm totally liberated to be my true self," said Xiao. "The feeling of being controlled excites me."
BDSM is a compound acronym that combines "bondage and discipline" (B&D), "dominance and submission" (D&S) and "sadism and masochism" (S&M).
One partner will usually assume the role of the "dominant," who wields control over his (her) "submissive" partner.
In Ling and Xiao's relationship, it is Xiao who usually adopts the role of the submissive.
"I get a kind of mental pleasure from being humiliated, tied up, and even punished, such as being spanked on my side or whipped on my back," he explained.
Ling said that common scenarios in their BDSM role-plays included Roman queen and servant, police officer and prisoner, and dog owner and dog.
In China, numerous headlines for articles related to Fifty Shades of Grey have described BDSM as a form of "sexual perversion," and some social media users have even questioned whether it is a form of sexual abuse.
Peng Xiaohui, a sexologist at Wuhan-based Central China Normal University, rejected such characterizations outright. He noted that essential to BDSM was the idea of mutual, informed consent.
"Consent in BDSM is crucial," said Peng.
"The level of stimulation is discussed and agreed upon in advance. Also, there always has to be a unique 'safe word,' which is a word or gesture to signify a limit if one of the partners wants to stop."
Sexual abuse, on the other hand, is "arbitrary and reckless, intended to hurt the victim, and constitutes a criminal offence," said Peng. ...
"It was like, here I am, outed as a supposedly sexually impulsive rich girl who's into kink."
At 17, Alissa Afonina was a bright, studious college student. But that year, on a drive with her mother and her mom's then-boyfriend, the car she was riding in sped around a curve and flipped three times; Afonina hit her head, suffering four lesions to the frontal lobe of her brain. The accident changed her life forever.
After the accident in 2009, Afonina battled exhaustion, depression and anxiety. She dropped out of college and struggled to find or keep a job. Her frontal lobe injury also caused her to become more sexually promiscuous — a common side effect of frontal lobe injuries — but in turn, her relationships became purely physical obsessions and she lost her social support system. To cope with her new personality and to make ends meet, Afonina became a professional dominatrix under the pseudonym Sasha Mizaree.
After years of medical testing and analysis, Afonina and her mother went to trial, seeking compensation for their injuries. In late 2014, a judge agreed the driver (her mom's then-boyfriend) had been going too fast and was thus negligent; heawarded Afonina nearly 1.5 million Canadian dollars. To her, the award was a vindication for people with invisible disabilities everywhere.
But when media outlets started picking up her story, Afonina was horrified: they claimed she was a sex-obsessed woman who only won her case because she was a sex worker, completely devaluing the struggles of brain injury sufferers everywhere. They also outed her; overnight, her real name had become immutably linked to her sex work identity.
Now, in her first major interview since the case, Cosmopolitan.com spoke to Afonina about her life after the crash, her work as a dominatrix, and how she's learning to deal with media, fame, and disability.
After the accident, when did you begin to realize that something was different?
I felt different right away, really fuzzy; [the doctors] had said I had a concussion at first. They said, "This is normal — you're going to feel fuzzy, you're going to feel out of it." My mom was definitely noticing more anger in me. I felt depression; I felt anxiety, including social anxiety. That was really new to me — I was completely a social butterfly before that, and then, all of a sudden, I just had no social life.
I didn't know that I actually had a brain injury until I did an MRI about a year after it happened. I found out from the doctors, like, "Hey, your symptoms happen to be not your fault! You're not lazy, you're not fucked up, but in fact, these are very consistent with a frontal lobe brain injury." That was kind of big news at the time.
Were you interested in kink and BDSM before your accident?
No, it wasn't something I practiced or knew anything about. I was kind of goth, but I wasn't kinky or sexual before the accident. I didn't really have sex in high school, and I wasn't somebody that dated much.
During your trial, it was mentioned that you experienced an increased interest in sex and sexuality after the accident, and the media has made a big deal of that detail. What was your sexuality actually like?
I remember being completely into this guy that I was dating, just completely obsessed with him; this was a new feeling all of a sudden — an addictive kind of need for this guy's attention and touching him. I began to notice that my whole self-presentation and my personality had become sexualized, to the point where I didn't feel like there was anything else to me. And if I didn't have a partner to be obsessed with, I felt empty. Everything felt dull and boring, and the only thing that made me alive was flirting with men. When you're not experiencing pleasure in things, that's like dying on the inside.
Whenever I did get into any relationship — and that's a generous word for the kind of interactions I've had with men — I wasn't able to form any loving relationship. And what I want, at my core, is not casual sex. I want to be loved. …
Inside Miss Vera’s Finishing School for Boys Who Want to Be Girls, where anything goes except for your real name.
BY CHADWICK MOORE
Behind Manhattan’s Port Authority Bus Terminal lies a grimy, litter-strewn block of brownstones where a half dozen bums have camped outside an abandoned storefront. The tableau is like a mote of Old New York dust suspended in the neon beams reaching west from nearby Times Square. Since the late 1990s, the New York–based group Crossdressers International, or CDI, has maintained an apartment here.
For its roughly 30 key-holding members, the CDI headquarters serves as a support group and a locker room. There are two rules: no photography and never reveal your male name.
In the entry hall of this low-ceiling garden apartment, there’s a stack of pigeonholes for passing along communications and sometimes love notes to other members. There are two sofas and a television in the living room, a shelf for unwanted clothing, and a bulletin board with announcements and resources. The periphery is lined with lockers and stacks of luggage; members pay a fee to keep their wardrobes here and can come and go as they please.
I’m first introduced to Karen — nervous, small, balding, with a close-cropped horseshoe of hair and a deep, husky voice. She’s standing wigless in a skimpy dress, shuffling through her locker, and won’t look me in the eye. Pointing at my voice recorder, she whispers, “I can’t be on tape. I can’t have people recognizing my voice.” She slips by me, shoulders bowed, to the bedroom, where she stands on a paper towel to put glitter polish on her toenails.
Karen is single, without children, and works as an accountant. “I wish people in my office could see me look like this,” she says. “I’m so boring and dumpy at the office.” She carries two cell phones and uses a back entrance to her apartment building that allows her to ferry her female clothing in and out without the doorman or neighbors seeing. She says she goes out in a dress four or five nights a week, far more than anyone else here tonight — save for Jen, the current president of CDI, and her girlfriend, Michelle, who live full-time as women.
They met through CDI and have been dating a few months. Jen’s story sounds a little apocryphal: She says she became transgender under “very rare” circumstances. “Mine was an accident because of prostate cancer,” she tells me, adding that things became “quite bizarre,” amid the hormone therapy she was receiving during treatment. “I got saturated with estrogen, and that’s when I discovered it. I have not known my whole life like most of the girls in here. Before I was diagnosed, I was pretty much asexual.”
Dues also help pay for things like CDI’s weekly dinner parties, including the one hosted on this recent Wednesday evening. The other eight diners gathered around the card table live outwardly as men except for the handful of times a month when they change how they dress. They’re all sexually attracted to women or to other cross-dressers. They have wives and children. Many have grandchildren. Everyone is around retirement age. They have a taste for skimpy dresses, short skirts, high heels, heavy makeup, and the kind of glittery accessories that usually appeal to teenagers.
“For as long as I remember, I’ve had gender identity issues. About 11 years ago, I was very suicidal,” says one member, who has grandchildren and who asked not to be identified by name. “I started living a double life. I’ve invested 40 years in my marriage. I’m successful at work. I don’t want to walk away from that. My wife has a really hard time. It really turns her off.”
Nancy is a longtime member. She’s not dressed tonight and looks a bit like Jerry Van Dyke with a manicure. “You dress, you go to Macy’s, you go to a Broadway show,” she says. “I’ve been married 34 years. I love my wife. I can’t [fully transition]. It’s not going to happen.”
“The gays aren’t too pleased with us because they think we are like Punxsutawney Phil — you come out on Groundhog Day, and then you go back down the hole,” Nancy adds. Many cross-dressers rely on gay bars as places to feel safe in public, yet that’s usually where the association ends. Nancy claims CDI’s application to take part in New York’s annual LGBT Pride March has been continually rejected in recent years, with organizers telling her each time it was filed too late. ...
Fifty Shades of Grey has everyone in America talking about bondage and sadomasochistic relationships. But how well do Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele reflect the realities of the BDSM lifestyle? To find out, we turned to Em and Lo, a.k.a. Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, the sex experts behind the advice website EmandLo.com and the book 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink. Here’s what they had to say about Jamie Dornan’s whipping technique, Christian and Anastasia’s heated contract negotiations, and whether practicing BDSM means being (in Christian’s infamous words) “fifty shades of f---ed up.”
Christian’s sex toys check out (except for the cable ties).
Whips, restraints, suspension rigs, spanking benches: These are all actual tools of the trade, and Christian Grey has the best custom-made BDSM equipment that money can buy. “If you have the money to spend, you could absolutely get a room outfitted that looked as gorgeous and high end as that,” says Em. Most practitioners of BDSM don’t own a dozen different high-end canes and floggers, but then again, “most people don’t have their own helicopter,” Em notes. The one unrealistic piece of equipment in Christian’s arsenal is the cable ties that he buys at the hardware store. “Never use cable ties to restrain someone’s wrists or appendages — it’s super dangerous in terms of potential physical damage,” Lo warns.
Discussing limits is important.
The contract negotiation scene is a Hollywood reflection of a reality in BDSM: It’s important to talk about comfort zones and safe words beforehand. “The whole thing with kink is that the more you discuss in advance, the more you can let yourself go in the moment — like, you don’t want to be in the middle of a scene and be like, ‘Oh I forgot to ask, are you cool with bullwhips?’” says Em. The columnists also point out that a submissive contract like Christian’s would not be legally binding, even though Anastasia takes it quite seriously. “Contracts are for fun — it’s role playing,” says Lo. “You’re using it as part of the foreplay.”
Christian’s riding crop technique is pretty advanced, but his bondage skills need some work.
When Christian whips Anastasia with the riding crop, he’s very gentle on her stomach and rougher on her butt, which Em and Lo say is good form. However, they were critical of the loose ropes that tied Anastasia to the bed. “There should be a finger’s width in there, but it’s actually safer to be more securely restrained, because if you wiggle around too much, you can fall off the bed or get into a more dangerous position,” says Em. As for that ceiling-suspension rig, Em and Lo say it’s perfectly safe as long as it’s used for limited amounts of time and the cuffs are easy to remove.
The movie skips over aftercare.
In BDSM, “aftercare” refers to a dominant comforting and caring for a submissive (or vice versa) after an intense sexual experience. “It’s the time when you remind your partner that even though you just tied them up and called them names and hit them, you love them and you care for them and you think of them as an equal person,” says Em. “It’s a way to bring the other person down emotionally, mentally, physically.” Fifty Shades offers a quick glimpse of aftercare when Christian gives Anastasia a bath and carries her to her bed, but for the most part, he neglects this crucial step. ...
Law enforcement investigating fetish business in residential area
WKMG Local News
by Mike DeForest
On her website, self-proclaimed dominatrix Judith DeLucenay promises customers they will reach their "pain threshold" while being subjected to activities such as flogging, torture, electrical stimulation and corporal punishment.
Those fetish activities are conducted in DeLucenay's "dungeon" in Orlando, according to the online advertisement, which reportedly includes a cage in the backyard.
The website shows a photograph of a home on Grant Street, a residential area in the city's SoDo neighborhood located a few blocks west of Boone High School.
Now, as a result of neighbor complaints and a Local 6 investigation, Orlando's code enforcement division and Central Florida's vice squad have launched their own investigations into the business, which does not have a home occupational license.
"It's scary," said Emma Scott, who lives across the street from the house where the dominatrix claims she invites clients to participate in bondage and sadomasochistic activities. "I have a daughter. And God knows what guys are going in there, and who they are, and what they're looking for."
There are no laws in Florida that prohibit consenting adults from hiring a dominatrix for services as long as there is no sexual contact that might constitute prostitution, according to law enforcement officials.
DeLucenay's website warns potential customers "DO NOT ASK FOR SEX," explaining that she will "never perform illegal sexual acts."
The Metropolitan Bureau of Investigation, which focuses on vice-related offenses such as prostitution and illegal adult entertainment, announced that it was investigating DeLucenay's business after Local 6 inquired about the Orlando woman's website. A representative for the multi-agency task force did not elaborate on what concerns it may have.
DeLucenay's home on Grant Street sits less than a half-mile from Boone High School. An MBI representative was not immediately able to say whether a dominatrix business would fit the legal definition of an "adult entertainment establishment," which is prohibited by Florida law from being within 2,500 feet of a public or private school. ...
About 60 students say they will attend the initial BDSM club meeting at Mount Holyoke College, an all-women college in Massachusetts.
Sophomore Caedyn Busche founded the organization, which will educate those who want a safe place to talk about BDSM. BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, roleplaying, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics.
Other colleges in the area have a BDSM club but Busche wanted one on campus. “It’s a huge topic of passion for me,” Busche told the Mount Holyoke News.
Busche hopes to become a sex therapist after college. “I was thinking that this is exactly what I want to do with my life, so why not start it off here at school?” she told the student newspaper.
She said that part of the club’s plan is to hold workshops on topics such as “Bondage 101” and “talking about negotiated relations and polyamory.”
Busche says the club will help educate others about BDSM and kink.
“Especially with ’50 Shades of Grey’ coming out, it’s important for a group like this to meet,” senior Jessica Avery told the Mount Holyoke News. “There needs to be positive dialogues around consent, safety with a partner, proper usage of toys, and basic knowledge of what BDSM/king is outside of the false Hollywood fantasy.” ...
The 19-year-old bio-nuclear engineering student allegedly tied his victim to his dorm-room bed with belts.
By Dennis Robaugh
A 19-year-old Chicago college student raped a freshman classmate after he was inspired to re-enact scenes he saw in the movie “50 Shades of Grey,” according to police and prosecutors.
Mohammad Hossain, 19, a bio-nuclear engineering student at the University of Illinois at Chicago, under questioning by campus police, apparently admitted he’d done “something wrong.”
He brought the woman back to his dorm room Saturday at about 5:30 p.m., according to Cook County prosecutors, and persuaded her to strip to her undergarments for him. Hossain told police the two had been intimate in the past.
Hossain then used belts to bind her arms and legs to his bed, assistant state’s attorney Sarah Karr told a Cook County judge on Monday, and pushed a necktie into her mouth. He blindfolded her with a cap, removed her bra and panties and whipped her with another belt, Karr said. The young woman cried, told Hossain “you’re hurting me,” pleaded for him to stop and repeatedly told him “no,” according to police.
Hossain, however, pressed on with his “50 Shades of Grey” fantasy, prosecutors allege, punching her with closed fists and holding her arms behind her back as he forced himself on her.
Hossain’s roommate returned to the dorm room, but the young man initially wouldn’t let him enter, according to police. His accuser then left the dorm and called police, who tracked Hossain down in another campus building that night.
An hour after the attack, Hossain posted this status to his Facebook page: “I’m finally satisfied — feeling accomplished,” with an eyebrow-raised smiley face. ...