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"BDSM sexpert Andrea Renae on the reality of 50 Shades of Grey"

on Friday, 10 August 2012. Hits 1837

Philadelphia City Paper

E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey series has sold an astounding 20 million copies in the U.S. alone. We asked Passional Boutique and Sexploratorium’s resident sex educator Andrea Renae, who’s hosting a more realistic workshop on BDSM play titled “50 Shades Safer” this weekend, to help us navigate the hype.

City Paper: Why is this book so popular?

Andrea Renae: This is not the first book of its kind, and won’t be the last, but the media coverage and discussion around this particular series is undeniable. The book is written more like a romance novel than erotic fiction, which is far more accessible to the general population. For those who were intrigued by the 50 Shades series, I recommend Please, Sir: Erotic Stories of Female Submission by Rachel Kramer Bussel or The Beauty series by Anne Rice.

CP: How realistically is BDSM portrayed in the book?

AR: Like all romance novels, this book is based on fantasy. It is entertaining, but it is not a realistic guide to BDSM. When practicing BDSM, it is imperative that all play be safe, sane and consensual. Certain aspects of 50 Shades definitely go against that creed. Even though [the protagonist] consents to it, asking someone to sign a slave contract before getting properly acquainted is unsafe and negligent. Think of it like dating: You wouldn’t ask someone to marry you before dating them for a little while, right? I was pleased to see how communication was presented. People think the submissive partner doesn’t have a say in what happens to them. Yet, prior to a play session, hard limits are discussed and agreed upon, including a pre-determined safe word. Throughout the book, [the dominant character] promotes [the sub’s] use of safe words and encourages her to verbalize consent — definitely the most realistic part of the book.

CP: What are some tips on introducing BDSM in the bedroom?

AR: Take things slow and communicate. BDSM can range from light and sensual to heavy and extreme. It’s a good rule of thumb to start with something simple and work your way up as you explore different types of play. One idea could be as easy as introducing toys, such as blindfolds, fuzzy handcuffs and gentle teasers. But remember, your partner is not a mind reader. Make sure to constantly communicate your fantasies ... and your limits. BDSM — and sex in general — is always more enjoyable when everyone involved is on the same page.

" Louisa May Alcott, Vacation Packages, and More Shameless ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Ripoffs (PHOTOS)"

on Friday, 10 August 2012. Hits 1037

Daily Beast

Profit-minded people are rushing to capitalize on the erotic trilogy’s huge success. From allegedly real-life versions of Anastasia Steele to Fifty Shades vacations to a kind of Fifty Shades Kama Sutra, see nine attempts to rip off the global phenom. ...

"Sex with your spouse, his spouse, him, your neighbor ..."

on Thursday, 09 August 2012. Hits 1324

The Trentonian

Right now — at least for Comcast subscribers — you can get Showtime for $9.95 a month. Not a terrible deal. And worth it if only for the most jaw-dropping (and pants-dropping) reality show to yet hit American airwaves. It’s called “Polyamory: Married and Dating” and it’s about the same.

Don’t know what “polyamory” means? Courtesy of Merriam-Webster: “the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time.”

Or, to use another definition, “a television show where you get to watch a bunch of whining narcissists slut around.”

I’m not one to judge … oh screw it. I’m judging. See, I don’t care if you’re straight, gay, bisexual, asexual, monogamous, polygamous whatever. Really. I don’t care. To each his own. But if you decide to allow cameras into your home and allow yourself to be filmed having sex for all the world to see, and then complain about not getting enough “attention” from other members of your “pod,” well then yes, I do reserve the right to call you a whining narcissist who sluts around.

Not to say this isn’t great television, because let me tell you this: This is GREAT TELEVISION. Basically, it follows two groups of people, one a “triad” (a dude, his wife, and their girlfriend) and the other a “pod” (two married couples who live together). Not only do we get to see their domestic lives, we also get to see their bedroom lives. What I’m trying to say is we get to see them have sex. (Thursdays, 11 p.m., for those keeping score at home). And not only do we see the sex, but we get to see the aftermath, which more often than not consists of at least one person thinking they’re getting the raw end of the deal. (No pun intended. At all.)

Here’s a quick rundown of the cast:...

"50 Shades of Grey Lesson: BDSM Perfectly Healthy for Women"

on Thursday, 09 August 2012. Hits 1223

Opposing Views

In Gone With the Wind, Rhett Butler tells Scarlett O’Hara he won’t be refused and carries her up a velvet staircase to thrust—err, drive—Ashley Wilkes out of her mind. This famous scene leaves many female readers with their hearts racing.

But at the same time, many people hear “BDSM” and recoil or become outraged. In fact, Dr. Drew recently came out against Fifty Shades of Grey, despite having never read the book. According to Dr. Drew and other opponents, BDSM is anti-feminist, it glorifies subjugation, and it encourages domestic abuse. There’s a disconnect here that’s impossible to ignore.

How many of us have had the “pirate captive” or “sheik’s harem girl” fantasy? How many of us fantasize about bondage or have Google-d “Christian Grey?” This eternal conflict plagues many confident, healthy adult women. How many of us have wondered, “What’s wrong with me?” Not. A. Thing.

Ladies, take comfort – the desire to submit isn’t anti-feminist and a true BDSM relationship has nothing to do with abuse. Consider ballroom dancing. When we give our partner the opportunity to lead, and choose to follow, we dance together. The desire isn’t to be conquered – it’s to surrender.

While Dominant/submissive inclinations are as old as human nature itself, there’s a reason the BDSM fantasy is engaging the female imagination now. We’ve come a long way, baby. We’re in positions of corporate and political power. We have a voice when we stand up and demand to be heard. Yet, at the same time, we’re still the primary emotional hub of the family, and coordinate most of the domestic chores. Getting swept away in a fantasy where our significant other takes the reins, protects and cares for us, takes away any responsibility? I’d argue it’s natural.

Has your partner ever told you to leave your hands above your head while he was… doing wonderful things to you? He didn’t tie you up; he simply gave you the command. Suddenly what he was doing was even more stimulating - simply because you were letting him take the lead. That’s part of BDSM. Whether it’s psychological or physical restraint, giving up power can be very liberating, especially when you trust your partner to take you both where you want to go.

“But that’s not what BDSM is,” you insist. “I saw the truth on an episode of Law and Order!” Perhaps you saw whips, chains, leather – all sorts of stuff that you’re sure will put you on the FBI’s deviant watch list. Certainly those trappings exist – and can be a lot of fun, especially when you decide to do “FBI interrogation” role-play – but they aren’t the true heart of BDSM. ...

International News: "Former Boris Johnson aide cleared of possession of 'extreme pornography'"

on Thursday, 09 August 2012. Hits 1271

Barrister Simon Walsh, 50, acquitted over images that prosecution argued showed activities likely to cause injury

The Guardian

A barrister has been acquitted of possessing extreme pornography in a landmark case over the boundaries of what can be described as "extreme".

The jury was unanimous and took less than 90 minutes to clear Simon Walsh, 50, a former aide to London mayor Boris Johnson, and who served as a magistrate and alderman in the City of London, after a week-long trial.

The case is believed to be the first to address whether images of anal fisting, a sexual practice which is legal, and urethral sounding are extreme pornography, as defined under the controversial section 63 of the Criminal Justice and Immigration Act 2008. Earlier this year Michael Peacock was acquitted of charges under the Obscene Publications Act 1959 of distributing obscene DVDs, which featured fisting and bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism (BDSM).

Walsh was charged with possession of six email attachment images, which were not found by police on either his work or home computers, but on a Hotmail server account he set up to receive and send sexual messages.

Oxford-educated Walsh was sacked from his position on the London Fire Authority on his arrest in April last year. He was a man of impeccable character who had made an outstanding contribution to society, the court heard, and had previously chaired the City of London Corporation police authority and licensing authority. He had been unable to work as a barrister since his arrest on the charges, which carry a sentence of up to three years in prison.

His lawyer, Matthew Buckland, told Kingston crown court that the case raised issues of private personal encounters and "how we view them in an inclusive democracy".

Walsh faced five charges under the 2008 act, which stipulates images are extreme if they are "grossly offensive, disgusting or otherwise of an obscene character" and if they "portray, in an explicit and realistic way" any act "which results in, or is likely to result, in serious injury to a person's anus, breasts or genitals". ...

"Marine wife slaying throws spotlight on bondage scene"

on Tuesday, 07 August 2012. Hits 1127

Police say ' 'fetishes' motive for Killgore killers

Fallbrook

The disappearance and gruesome slaying of Brittany Killgore, 22, whose naked body was dumped in a ditch in April while her Marine husband was fighting in Afghanistan, has drawn worldwide attention ---- largely because of the sexual kinks of her three suspected killers.

In court documents released last month, police described a sex dungeon and bondage toys, and suggested that the Fallbrook suspects killed Killgore to satisfy their sexual desires. The documents mentioned no evidence that Killgore was involved in their practices.

The case has heightened fears of misunderstanding or persecution in the local bondage community, especially when the best-selling novels in America are those in the "Fifty Shades of Grey" trilogy, an erotic series that includes acts of bondage, binding and disciplining for pleasure.

Members of the local bondage community ---- who organize primarily through niche social media websites, discreet clubs, and parties at neighborhood homes or specialty businesses ---- fear being seen as crazy or violent.

Psychologists and sex educators said that bondage relationships can be healthy and are somewhat common, though they often remain hidden from public view.

Such secrets are usually exposed only when something has gone terribly wrong, experts said. ...

"'50 Shades of Grey' Contract for Sex Wouldn't Hold Up in Real Life"

on Tuesday, 31 July 2012. Hits 852

E.L. James's novel 50 Shades of Grey has taken the U.S. by storm and its erotic nature, including a steamy BDSM contract, has caused quite the buzz.

Reuters

Love it or hate it, the book is big news, selling millions of copies.

If you haven't read it yet, there might be some spoilers below. But if you have read it, you must have been curious about the contract that Christian Grey offers to the book's narrator, Anastasia Steele.

The contract sets out terms for a BDSM sexual arrangement between Grey and Steele which made us wonder: would it survive in court?

First things first, is there a contract? For a contract to exist there needs to be an offer, an acceptance, and both parties have to give some 'consideration' as part of the agreement.

Consideration is a legal term for the idea that for people to honor a contract, both parties must promise something of value when making the contract.

Grey makes an offer by asking Steele to sign the contract and there is consideration. If they agree Grey will provide care and training to Steele and Steele will make herself available to Grey every weekend.

Oh right, and she'll offer Grey any pleasure he desires without hesitation and he, in exchange, will refrain from anything that endangers her health or leaves a permanent mark.

Typical stuff? Not really.

But none of that matters since Steele doesn't actually sign, there's no acceptance. No contract.

Grey does admit that other women signed the contract. But would anyone have been able to enforce it?

Contracts that violate public policy will not be upheld in court and that includes contracts for sex. As a society we don't endorse using sex as a tradable good (i.e. laws against prostitution) so contracts can't use sex as consideration.

Much of the contract does involve sex. It includes a list of sexual activities that Steele will or won't participate in and continually refers to her as The Submissive while Grey is The Dominant. Those terms are pretty commonly linked to sexual relationships which means they can't be part of the contract. ...

"Showtime’s Polyamory Is Trashy, Profound and the Best Reality Show on TV"

on Friday, 27 July 2012. Hits 600

Gawker

Just as the concept of polyamory is many things to many people, so is Showtime's current series Polyamory: Married & Dating. It's alternately hilarious, shocking, poignant, titillating and cringe-inducing. But it's also important.

Polyamory and the range of ways it can manifest itself in its practicing groups, and then still, what it means to each person inside these groups, is not an easy thing to telegraph. This show lays it out as carefully as possible in its profiling of two multi-person committed relationships. It works not just as the freak show that we've come to expect from reality TV, but also on a political level. The slippery slope anti-equality argument stating that if gays are allowed to marry, then soon we'll have to allow multiple partners to as well, is bullshit not just for side-stepping the issue – if you believe in the fundamental principle of sexual equality, that it doesn't matter what people do in their bedrooms as long as they aren't hurting others, there is no legitimate ethical argument against the kind of configurations you see presented on Polyamory. If you don't want polyamory, stay out of a triad. Simple.

The "mind your own business" mindset gets complicated when those involved make their private lives public. But then, the lives portrayed here are perfectly suited for the format. Reality TV typically forces its participants to examine themselves closely. In extreme cases, those on screen are deprived of outside stimulation so that their focus turns to the social politics of their living situation. At the very least, those on reality TV are made to sit through marathon interviews picking apart the nuances of their behavior and its motivation. Never have I seen a situation that naturally fits this format as well as that of Showtime's currently airing . As Tahl explains in the video above, "Jen and I have our rules. Mike and Kamala have their rules, but now not only are you just bringing two couples together – it's a four-way dynamic. And so, it makes it more complicated." With their intricate configuration, these people would have to openly and routinely examine their and their partners' emotional situations, with or without cameras pointed at them. The show was already going on.

The emotional articulation of the four described people makes for riveting viewing – not since the early days of The Real World have I been so obsessed with watching people sit around and babble about themselves and their lives, nor have I so deeply lamented that they only do it for 30 minutes once a week. Their self-consumption is infectious. ...

Latest Reader Comments

  • As is true with ANY group of human beings, there will always be individuals who take advantage of a given situation. However,...

    Mistress Black Diamond

    30. April, 2015 |

  • I followed the link to read the full article. As expected in that sort of venue the ideal of BDSM is being promoted, not the reality. I...

    TammyJo Eckhart, PhD

    30. April, 2015 |

  • For many years we have tolerated businesses posing as churches, so why not lifestyle groups? Alternative lifestyle members share a common...

    Bob

    29. April, 2015 |

  • Feminists and christian groups push narratives which become 'fact' (see definition of 'Woozle effect ). These are ideologically driven...

    Elle

    09. April, 2015 |

  • Fetlife works very hard to keep members safe. They also work to protect everyone's freedoms. Criminal accusations should be made to local...

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    23. March, 2015 |

  • Simple and brilliant. I will be using this in all of my Human Sexuality classes.

    Callista Lee

    11. March, 2015 |