Students in Stamp Student Union’s Colony Ballroom last night prepared themselves for a conversation many had never before dared to discuss in a public setting — kinky sex.
The lecture and panel discussion, led by feminist pornographer and sex educator Tristan Taormino, aimed to debunk myths about BDSM presented in the erotic romance novel, Fifty Shades of Gray, as well as teach students about having safe sexual experiences.
Jenna Beckwith, sexual health program coordinator at the University Health Center, said she recognized a need for such an event when she saw the influence Fifty Shades was having on students’ sex lives.
“I think that in my realm of work, where students come to me with their sexual health concerns, I saw that with the popularity of Fifty Shades, kinky sex seemed to be the trendy thing to do,” Beckwith said. “The popularity of this book really brought to light a lot of misconceptions and misinformation that young people were having about sexuality. We wanted to open up a space for students to explore their identities and ask questions about this topic in a safe place.”
During the discussion, sexual health experts and university faculty exposed false stereotypes described in the novel, such as the idea that all people who engage in BDSM were abused at one point, so they express that trauma in their sex lives. The book’s main characters perpetuate the belief, but that’s largely untrue, said Tamara Pincus, a clinical social worker who spoke on the panel.
“Kink is very stigmatized, and it’s important that students see that we are just regular people like everybody else,” Pincus said. “Most people know that they are kinky at a young age, and it’s just part of how people develop.” ...
This May, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) will publish its first update since 2000; it is the DSM-5—the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It may not seem like a big deal to the layperson, but the new edit will forever change the definition of kinky sex and is likely to trigger a wave of political, legal, and pharmaceutical debates.
Previously, the DSM defined all "non-normative" sexual behavior (acts not solely focused on the genitals or breasts) as paraphilias (a.k.a. kinks), from foot fetishes to sexual sadists. According to Susan Wright, spokesperson for the advocacy group the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, the DSM-5 will differentiate between two kinds of kink: that which is happily enjoyed by healthy people who like kinky sex (paraphilias) and that which causes "distress" or "harm" to others (paraphilic disorders).
"The new language will have repercussions in psychiatry, in legal settings, and also in our understanding of what kinky sex is," says Wright, who saw original drafts of the proposed language. She hopes it will validate healthy people who enjoy kinky sex—and set them apart from the mentally ill.
"Kink is sometimes just about a power exchange or role play," she notes. Practitioners of BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadomasochism) and S&M play with intense sensations that cause extreme pleasure, not harm. These are usually consensual acts. "The people who do it nonconsensually," Wright says, "such as sexual sadists and psychopaths, or even someone in the kink community who steps over the line and goes too far, should be arrested."
The ultimate significance of this edition lies in its reach: Not only will the book help psychiatrists diagnose patients, it will also aid judges, lawyers, police, physicians, clinicians, and policy-makers. Misinterpretation by those outside the medical field, however, is a very real possibility, and a big deal, say, if you lose a custody battle, get evicted from your home, lose your job, or are simply reviled because of your sexual predilections. (It's not inconceivable, for example, that a parent's fondness for BDSM could be raised in a family-court child-custody battle and used against him or her as proof of being "unfit" or something.) But the DSM-5's new language, designed to clearly distinguish sexual fetishes from mental illnesses, could obviate these kinds of judgments. Remember: Social stigma around BDSM and kink has resulted in a tremendous amount of discrimination in the past. And the DSM defined homosexuality as deviant until 1973.
A new BDSM and kink support group — known as Princetonians in the Nation’s Service — has attracted nearly 30 members since its creation in January.
“Our written-down mission statement basically says that we’re here to provide a safe space, a community and a social space for people who are kinky,” the founder of PINS, who was granted anonymity due to the club’s confidential status, said.
According to the founder, who is a junior, the rules of the group prohibit members from “outing” other members. The rules also require that members respect the kink identities of other members and reserve the right to eject other members from the group.
Alcohol sobriety is also strictly mandated by the club due to liability issues and concerns regarding consent.
PINSalready has close to 30 members on its listserv, and about 10 members attend meetings regularly.
The club’s founder said the membership is very diverse, stating that it consists of male, female, gay, straight and bisexual students of different racial backgrounds and class years, including graduate students.
Members other than the founder did not respond to requests for comment.
“It’s because of the stigma that you have to be careful and you have to have confidentiality,” the founder said, citing risks that are involved in exposing certain aspects of personal life, including future professional prospects and relationships with family members.
He added that “there needs to be a balance between visibility and anonymity,” as the group intends to host lectures, panels and other events in the future, possibly in conjunction with the Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Center on campus or the Sexual Harassment/Assault Advising, Resources and Education program. ...
The Armory Community Center is poised to host public sports, art and educational events, as well as private functions, now that the city has granted a recreation permit allowing the owner of the landmark brick structure to expand its G-rated family fare.
The driver behind the project is Peter Acworth, owner of the historic Mission building and founder of Kink.com, an Internet company that produces BDSM-themed (dominant and submissive sexual role-playing and bondage) content for the web. Kink.com and the new events space will be kept separate, Andrew Harvill, director of TACC, was quick to explain.
“Peter wants to diversify,” Harvill said. “He doesn’t want to do only porn.”
Work to transform a 40,000-square-foot drill court began at the start of this year. The space was previously available for use with day permits, which made it impossible to streamline a long-term events calendar with repeating events, such as the multi-night theater production that will open next month. The American Conservatory Theater will put on “Black Watch” from May 9 through June 9.
Kink.com staff said that company activities won’t affect events at TACC, and that the two spaces will have different entries.
“We are working hard to show that this is not porn-related,” said Harvill. The studio has been criticized by community members for the nature of its product. “We don’t know how the neighbors are going to respond, but we want to work very closely with them,” he said.
The first conversations, Harvill said, have been mostly positive, except for one person “who just didn’t like Peter and what he does.” Even some members of the Anarchist Book Fair, which was held at the armory last month, were skeptical of having their event at the BDSM headquarters. Harvill is considering proposing monthly meetings with neighbors to keep the lines of communication open. “If they weren’t happy, we would consider it a failure,” he said.
Neighbors did complain when Kink.com moved into the Armory building at 14th and Mission streets in 2007, but the relationship seems to have eased since then. “I think they have done a good job keeping the property clean outside and keeping it private. Those were the major concerns,” said Roberto Hernandez, a longtime community organizer in the Mission who was one of the protesters in 2007.
Hernandez described this new venture as “great,” emphasizing that the center will not be part of Kink.com and will have a separate entrance. The company’s plan to offer reduced rates to nonprofit and neighborhood groups that want to rent the space will be excellent for the community, Hernandez said. ...
Sadomasochism, gay penguins and Captain Underpants. This is what passed for controversial in American literature in 2012, according to the American Library Association’s annual list of “frequently challenged books,” released on Monday.
The A.L.A.'s Office for Intellectual Freedom compiles reports on complaints filed with a library or school “requesting that a book or other material be restricted or removed because of its content or appropriateness.”
The office said it received 464 reports in 2012, up from 326 in 2011. The books on the most frequently challenged list are “Fifty Shades of Grey” by EL James; “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian,” by Sherman Alexie; “The Kite Runner,” by Khaled Hosseini; “Looking for Alaska,” by John Green; “The Glass Castle” by Jeannette Walls; “Beloved” by Toni Morrison; “Thirteen Reasons Why,” by Jay Asher; the “Scary Stories” series by Alvin Schwartz; the “Captain Underpants” series by Dav Pilkey; and “And Tango Makes Three,” a young-adult book about two male penguins at the Central Park zoo who became a couple, by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson.
Once a week, Daily Intelligencer takes a peek behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Polyamorous Woman Color Coding Her Lovers: Female, 33, work at a charity, London, in an open relationship, heterosexual.
10 a.m. I update my Google calendar while I'm in the office, in between discussing fund-raising proposals for the mental health charity I work for. Now that I'm seeing three people, it's gotten more complicated. The calendar is color-coded for each person so I know at a glance when I'm free and whether I'm "over-doing" anyone. Biker Guy is blue. The One, Possibly is red. Weekly Fun is orange. Administration is the one part of my job I've always hated, but I've really improved since I started dating.
1 p.m. I meet Weekly Fun for my afternoon off. He's having a hard time with his current girlfriend, who has just broken up with her girlfriend. Her self-esteem has been knocked and he's trying to spend as much time with her as possible — hence the lunch date. I can't go without sex, even though I'm starting to feel like his counselor. We go to his house, which is down the road from mine, and start making out. I give him a blow job in his living room, with his large, possessive orange cat staring at me steadily from the floor. He pulls out before he comes in my mouth and the come falls onto the rug. We end up scooping it out with tissue.
6 p.m. I try to do a couple of more hours of work when I get back home, but my concentration is whacked. As usual, I end up going through OkCupid, to check my messages at first, and then just to see if there's anyone new. I don't understand the negativity around online dating. It seems to have more stigma than being polyamorous. I knew something was up when I saw lots of guys were labeling their profiles with "available" instead of "single." I'd found The One, Possibly that way. He seemed so upfront — like me, out of a difficult, unadventurous relationship, looking for something open-ended that just acknowledges it's human nature to get bored easily. I didn't expect to fall in love with him.
6:20 p.m. There's a new message from Tech Geek, with whom I've been pinging messages back and forth. Weirdly, I haven't got bored of the correspondence even though we've been in touch for a few weeks and canceled a couple of meetings.
8 p.m. It's my scheduled night off. It's been less packed than usual this week because Biker Guy is away on holiday with his girlfriend. I'm reading a book, listening to the podcast "Pedestrian Polyamory." I hate being one of those people who go on about poly — to me "poly" just a way of owning it before anyone else can say it's strange or wrong or pervy. Okay, it's definitely pervy, but in a good way.
11 p.m. I need this time off so much. But the OkCupid app pings again. I hold off looking for a few hours, but inevitably my eyes start wandering. ...
We're used to seeing women with bedazzled earrings, nose rings, eyebrow piercings and hoops, cheek piercings and hoops, lip piercings and hoops, tongue studs . . . you get the idea. But now a Huntington Beach wholesaler is hawking a new line of gold or bejeweled or otherwise colorful versions of its fastest-growing eye-catchers:
Nipple clamps. Indeed, Sex Toy Distributing Co., which sells adult products of all types to sex shops around the country, reports the BDSM market for women is "booming," especially when it comes to such fetish mainstays as floggers, strap-ons and, yes, nipple clamps.
"Manufacturers have responded to rising nipple clamp sales with lines of alligator, tweezer and other popular styles that are as much a fashion adornment as they are sex accessories," reads a company statement. "Featuring colorful pinks, golds, purples and dangling beads, jewels and charms, these all-time favorites make a style statement that shoppers love."
You can almost picture a woman jealously whispering to a friend in the supermarket checkout line about the dangling teat tightener visible under the lady checker's top. ...
On my way to work last weekend, I noticed a familiar sight. Stuck between the hands of a woman who sat across the aisle on the 84 bus, there was Fifty Shades of Grey, the incredibly popular erotic novel that includes sadomasochistic sex scenes. The Fifty Shades fever has died down for the most part. On slow days, gossip sites report on who is and is not in the talks for the movie, but the main artifact of the craze is the occasional book whipped out on public transportation.
While I have a personal vendetta against Fifty Shades of Grey because I believe it depicts an unhealthy coercive relationship and because the protagonist refers to her genitalia as “down there” the majority of the time, I am thankful at least that it has brought up discussion about BDSM in the mainstream. Even if you do not engage in the practices yourself, I think BDSM is a great mental location to examine consent, pleasure and sex positivity, even for the non-BDSM “vanilla” relationships.
So what is BDSM? The acronym itself is a complicated jumble of different types of play: B&D for bondage and discipline; D/s for Dominance and submission; S/M for sadism and masochism. Some relationships feature only parts of the acronym, while others (such as discipline with D/s) work off one another to a build an experience. Generally, there is at least one Dom and one sub, or a giver and a receiver of pain/punishment/et cetera. There could also be switches involved, who are people who enjoy both giving and receiving. Contrary to popular superstition, very few relationships are a Total Power Exchange (TPE, or 24/7), which would grant the Dom exclusive decision-making power over the sub in all aspects of their lives. Instead, enthusiasts play a “scene,” which is a specific time frame that the partners involved agree to act through their particular form of BDSM.
Because of the nature of BDSM, consent and healthy relationships initially look different between Doms and subs. If they do not understand how anyone could derive pleasure from pain or punishment, some mistakenly read the consensual acts of a scene as violence, thus conflating abuse with BDSM. What these naysayers ignore is the culture of explicit consent in alt life that forms the core of healthy BDSM.
This culture gives way to the phrase Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK). This does not refer to a formal set of guidelines but a ideology of consent. RACK values having an acute sensitivity of what is being done. It is not enough to stumble across an incident or a pleasurable time. You have to know what you are getting into (presumably with research), judge whether the costs involved are worth the gains, and then actively accept the conditions. While this meaning may be intuitive based on the words involved, it still bears examining closely since the process of negotiating a BDSM partnership is a very sex positive approach to founding a relationship. The purpose of RACK, after all, is to ensure that BDSM participants are aware that their sexual expression—kink—involves a level of risk, and they have decided that their pleasure is worth said risk if done consensually. ...