NCSF on Twitter   Subscribe to the NCSF RSS Feed   NCSF Blog

NCSF News

Guest Blog: A Counselor's first Experience Working with a Poly Family

on Saturday, 30 August 2014. Hits 1142

By Eric Jett, NCC, LPC


Working crisis intervention with adolescents was an area as a counselor I grew to love because of the diversity of clients I would get to interact with on a daily basis. Several years ago my passion for working with children and the area of crisis/trauma would open a new door for my professional and personal awareness. I had the opportunity to work with a young teen from a family who was struggling with what as a counselor I would expect to see in a teenage boy starting middle school, identity issues, bullying, and the usual horrible experience so many teens sadly go through.

However part of my counseling experience has shown that developing a support system is vital when working with children and teens, which is why family therapy is a necessity. During the first intake, we had gone over the typical counseling questions and discussed the importance of family counseling that we start after a couple of individual sessions between me and their son. Mom and Dad were extremely cordial about the process, extremely concerned about their son, and you could see their investment in helping him grow and survive this situation; yet something was still off. There was something mom and dad were holding back, and I could tell they were not ready to bridge that conversation yet.

So what did I do as a counselor? I left it alone. My therapeutic approach to counseling understands that this is a process where the client has to take the lead sometimes. When you work with children and adolescents he or she may be the primary client but the family is the overall client. After all they act as the support in creating environmental changes to help the kid or teen.

As time grew closer for our first family meeting the mother of my client called and asked if her and her husband could meet with me to discuss something important about their family. Now as a counselor at this point I had worked with many diverse families and as a counselor, my experience has always been there is more to learn from my clients then my client can learn from me. One of the first questions the parents asked me during our meeting with just the three of us was what I was required to report to the state about child abuse. As a counselor, this is not usually something you want to hear because you know the time that is going to be involved in having to make a report; however as a counselor who specializes in children and teens it comes with the job responsibilities.

I reminded the parents of the informed consent which we covered during the initial intake that I was required to report any suspicions of child abuse by state law. The questions that followed were similar to that of an academic inquiry on what was considered child abuse within our state. I will admit this had me concerned, and my direct approach was to ask “do you believe your son has been physical, sexually, or emotionally abused in some way?” The mom and dad instantly went to denying any occurrence of abuse, and I admittedly told them I was a little confused about their concern on the child abuse reporting laws for our state.

Dads’ response was “we are polyamorous.” I had in my personal experiences learned about polyamory and fortunately knew through some great resources the terminology; however, I value the importance of report building with my clients, and I wanted to continue building trust with my clients’ family. It was also important to understand what polyamory meant to this family. I was aware that poly can mean and look different to individuals and family units. For the remainder of the hour, we talked about their amazing family which included six adults who their son and other 3 children got to refer to as parents. Mom and dad’s greatest fear was that as a professional, this would be reportable, and they could have their children taken away from them because their life views are one of growth of love among the family unit. Our next family session all 6 adults attended, and it became very apparent to me as a counselor the opportunities we had to work really as an amazing support structure for this teen and help him through this difficult time of his life.

While this is a very short account of my beginning experience working with poly families which I have continued to work with over the past several years, this particular family and several others. However as a counselor it was an important learning experience to remind me the fear and concern which can often be with individuals because of societal expectations. If my life is outside of what society wants what does that mean for me? For my family? For my children?

I also am reminded that there is a need to acknowledge our clients as the experts in what is occurring in their life. This family had lived as a family unit, with their ups and downs, like every relationship for the span of over 20 years before stepping into my office. My job is that of acceptance and protection. There was no harm occurring within the family and if anything this family was making something that “society” driven relationship between two individuals often struggle doing. But as a counselor I had to be willing to learn.

I worked with the family for over a year and during that course of time they educated me on not only their family but resources, books, articles, and even polyamorous meetups in the area with other families and individuals interested in relationships. I had to be willing to grow and because of that and this particular family I believe I am not only a better professional but individual because I stepped outside of my box.

Communication is important, as a professional, as an individual, and as someone considering going to a professional for guidance. We should not be afraid to talk to our professionals about our lifestyles, and likewise as professionals we shouldn’t be afraid to listen to our clients about their lifestyles. We need to advocate continued expression and freedom because we hold the balance in making it “ok” and not a big deal.

I have been pleased and amazed to be able to present this particular client case to colleagues in past trainings who in the beginning struggle with the idea of working with a poly family and often I see many skewed views of what this means for the family and children. However, after we talk about and demonstrate the work we were able to do in family therapy and how the family having multiple parents actually strengthened my work with the teen, colleagues often leave with a changed view. As a professional that gives me hope and I appreciated for the opportunity this particular family had given me to work within the poly community as a counselor.

 

World’s 1st Swinger Pride Parade in New Orleans

on Tuesday, 29 July 2014. Hits 970

NEW ORLEANS, LA — The world’s first Swinger Pride Parade will take place on August 6th, 2014 on Bourbon St. in New Orleans. The parade is part of the annual event “Naughty in N’awlins,” which caters to a variety of couples who are swingers, polyamorists, into BDSM and/or open relationships.

The parade will feature a police escort, a second line marching band, Mardi Gras floats and masks, bead tossing and over 1,000 marchers. It will start in the 100 block of Bourbon St. and end at 735 Bourbon St. where a Roaring 20’s theme party will commence.

The event has been hosting a parade since 2003, but this year the event organizers have changed the name to add “Pride” to the name of the parade. Susan Wright, Spokesperson for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, said, “This is an important step in the sexual freedom movement, for couples in open relationships. It’s important for us to stand up in pride and say we deserve our rights and we don’t deserve to be persecuted for our relationships.”

The Swinger Pride Parade allows this community to establish a presence, and create an awareness that hopefully stimulates intelligent discussions. For a lot of attendees, it will be their very first step out of the closet. It is also an opportunity for attendees to participate in one of the biggest swinger event of the year and share their experience.

Naughty in N’awlins (http://www.frenchconnectionevents.com/nawlins-couples-convention.php) will kick off with the parade on Wednesday and feature seminars, demonstrations, workshops, private parties on Bourbon St., nightly erotic theme balls and a hospitality floor where couples can be free to explore and expand their sexuality with other couples.

Contact:
Bob Hannaford
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
1025 Bienville St.
Suite 7
New Orleans, LA
800-304-4493800-304-4493

 

Guest Blog: Go to the Cops

on Wednesday, 16 July 2014. Hits 567

by Susan Wright

You CAN go to law enforcement to report assault even if you’re kinky. I get so mad when I hear people say, “You can’t go to the cops,” or “They’ll treat you badly because you’re kinky.” Really? You tell your friend to crawl in a hole when they’re assaulted? Why don’t you offer to go with them to report it to law enforcement or to a hospital? Or call NCSF so I can work with the local victim services and help them report it.

 

Since I took over NCSF’s Incident Reporting & Response program, I’ve made a lot of phone calls to professionals around the country in order to find good people who won’t discriminate against us. And you know what? Our advocacy efforts are working. Even in the most conservative areas, there are judges, lawyers and social service workers who are already educated about kink and nonmonogamy. They know that what we do is consensual, and that assault is assault regardless of the way we have sex.

 

In January, I was contacted by several victims of a perpetrator in Maryland. These victims ended up reporting their assaults in two different counties in Maryland. The State’s Attorney in one county moved forward with the case. The trial only took half a day. The victim testified, but she wasn’t outed in the media, even though the incident in question was fairly sensational and took place at a camp event in front of other kinky people. The event where it happened wasn’t harassed by law enforcement, and neither was the kinky club where the perpetrator then worked. The State’s Attorney was only interested in the assault, not in harming the victims or the BDSM community. In fact, the victims were treated very well by everyone they dealt with.

 

Today the perpetrator was convicted of 2nd Degree Assault and was sentenced to a year in jail with two years probation and ordered by the court to attend an intervention program for intimate partner abuse.

 

If someone assaults you or your friend, then this is what can result if you go to the police. NCSF can help you. You don’t have to stay quiet. Prosecutors will typically take on cases where there are witnesses, so assaults that happen at events are actually more prosecutable in their eyes than something that happens in private at home. Prosecutors also look at the physical evidence - if you were hurt in an assault ALWAYS go to the hospital or to your doctor or a community assistance center so they can take photographs of the damage that was done to you. Even if you don’t know if you’ll report it, you'll have the evidence if you do decide to report it later.

 

Also, prosecutors take it more seriously if there is more than one victim. When you report an assault and you don’t have any physical evidence or witnesses, prosecutors may decide to wait to see if another victim comes forward. Multiple accusations carry more weight. But that can only happen if you report it.

 

You can quote all the stats you want to about the small percentage of assaults - especially sexual assaults - that go to trial. But when we don’t even try to get justice, then zero convictions will take place. If we don’t try to stop someone who is a serial predator, then they will go on to commit more crimes.

 

Our community can’t keep people safe. We can’t give out all the names of everyone who violates consent or somehow protect everyone at risk. That’s why yelling names from the rooftops doesn’t work. But reporting it to the police does work. That’s why in this case, many of the group and event organizers quietly banned this person and pulled their events from the club while the perpetrator still worked there. They had to keep things quiet so the victim could pursue their case through the judicial system - remember that witness tampering is a serious charge.

 

I’m so proud of the victims for standing up for themselves and stopping the cycle of repeated assaults. I’m proud of the Mid-Atlantic community of organizers for how they handled this difficult situation. It’s been a learning experience for a lot of us, and I think that reporting assault to the police was the way to properly deal with this problem.

 


Unitarian Universalists Ratify Poly-Inclusive Language in its Nondiscrimination Standards

on Thursday, 03 July 2014. Hits 585

At its annual General Assembly on June 25-29, in Providence, RI, the Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations (UUA) overwhelmingly ratified amendments to its nondiscrimination rule, including "family and relationship structures" to its list of specifically protected groups.

The language was introduced by Desmond Ravenstone, a delegate for the Arlington Street Church of Boston, Massachusetts, and Jasmine Walston of the First Unitarian Church of Louisville, Kentucky. Ravenstone is also Moderator of Leather & Grace (L&G), an educational and support organization devoted to promoting awareness of BDSM, kink and fetish sexual identity; Walston is Secretary of Unitarian Universalists of Polyamory Awareness (UUPA).

"Leaders of our two groups have discussed what kind of language we'd like to see added to the new rule," Ravenstone explained. "Jasmine and I felt that 'family and relationship structures' covers a wide range, especially regarding polyfolk."

The UUA's previous General Assembly had begun the two-stage process of replacing the nondiscrimination language in its bylaws with a broader and more positive "inclusion" language, while retaining the old language in a supplementary rule which would be easier to amend. There had been discussions of what changes would be introduced to the rule, but no concrete proposals until this year's Assembly in Providence, Rhode Island.

Delegates at a "mini-assembly" where final revisions may be incorporated approved three such amendments: replacing "race" with "racialized identity" as proposed by anti-racism activists; expanding "gender" to "gender expression, gender identity" and "sex" at the urging of the UUA's transgender community; and "family and relationship structures" introduced by Ravenstone and Walston. The mini-assembly voted to approve all three changes as a single incorporated amendment to be brought to the full Assembly during its seventh session two days later.

At the General Assembly session, the full amendment was discussed and overwhelmingly approved. "There was no one debating against," Ravenstone recalled, "and no questions about the poly-inclusive language that Jasmine and I had brought forward. Looking at the delegate voting cards going up and down, and the results of 'off-site' delegates voting remotely over an Internet connection, I only saw one vote opposed."

Ravenstone also believes the new language may be embraced by other groups as well as polyamorous individuals and households. In particular, many relationships identified with BDSM could be considered as falling under this description. "We still have a ways to go assuring that kink-oriented people have equal standing in our progressive faith, but this is definitely a positive step towards right relationship."

Leather & Grace, a Coalition Partner of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) remains committed to education and advocacy among Unitarian Universalists to build upon the success of this recent collaboration with their UUPA allies.

Last Chance to take the Consent Violations survey!

on Tuesday, 13 May 2014. Hits 394

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/ConsentViolationsSurvey

 

We need your feedback even if you haven’t experienced a consent violation or a false accusation.

 

Only takes 5-20 minutes to complete!

 

NCSF will use these results to educate law enforcement, prosecutors, victim services and health care professionals about the experiences of kinky people so they can provide better quality service.

 

This survey is anonymous and your privacy is guaranteed by Survey Monkey, a secured survey hosting website. NCSF does not have access to any identifying information about the participants.

Consent Counts Discussion in Phoenix

on Monday, 21 April 2014. Hits 517

NCSF partners with Arizona Men of Leather and Arizona TNG to hold a consent discussion at One Voice Community Center in Phoenix.

 

Free! and open to all adults

Saturday, April 26

2-4pm

@ 1 Voice

4442 N. 7th Avenue - http://1vcc.org/

Consent isn’t black and white – in fact sometimes what’s legal isn’t considered to be ethical by kinky people, and sometimes what kinky people consider to be ethical isn’t legal. Come join our interactive discussion to talk about the concepts of risk, limits, renegotiation, and how consent is given in scenes vs. power exchange relationships. We’ll look at the results of NCSF’s Consent Survey and see where the respondents largely agreed (you can revoke consent at any time), and where there was significant disagreement (above a certain degree of injury, there should be prosecution even where consent was given). Come talk about how the community is dealing with consent, so NCSF can hear from everyone what your shade of consent is.

https://fetlife.com/events/243147

 

Also, save the date for NCSF’s “BDSM? Erotic Play? Learn the Social & Legal Issues” presentation at APEX on May 19th, 7:30-9:30pm.

Call for Nominations for the NCSF Ombuds Committee

on Thursday, 17 April 2014. Hits 460

The Ombuds Committee for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) handles complaints and concerns regarding the conduct of NCSF officers and staff, and the operations of NCSF institutions. The NCSF Ombuds Committee shall be established as an Advisory Committee, as per NCSF bylaws, to review Coalition administration and activities, assuring ethical and effective fulfillment of NCSF’s mission and goals.

 

The Committee shall consist of three people, appointed annually by and accountable to the NCSF Board, for rotating two-year terms. The members may be reappointed for one subsequent two-year term. The members must be members in good standing with NCSF, either a Coalition Partner representative, a Supporting Member, or an Individual Member.

 

Please send your nominations to: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Include:

 

1. Name and contact info of nominee – email and/or phone #

2. Professional experience that would assist you in performing the job of an Ombuds volunteer

3. Experience in the kink, leather, fetish, swing or polyamory communities that is relevant to performing the job of an Ombuds volunteer

4. References, professional and/or alt sex communities related.

 

Nominations will close May 8th, 2014.

 

Interviews of the nominees may be conducted by telephone or Internet chat. Applicants shall be assessed for the following:

a. knowledge and experience of processes for arbitration and/or adjudication of disputes;

b. familiarity with NCSF’s mission, bylaws and policies, and the ethos of the Coalition’s constituent communities (BDSM/kink/fetish, polyamory, swing);

c. capacity to remain objective and impartial in reviewing information;

d. overall character and reliability.

 

To prevent potential conflicts of interest, no Ombuds Committee member shall concurrently serve as an officer, staff member, or Board member of NCSF. The Committee shall select a chair from amongst its members annually.

 

NCSF is here to help you, so please help us! Support NCSF by becoming a member, volunteering or donating today! www.ncsfreedom.org

Guest Blog: Shame, If You Don't Have It - They Don't Want You

on Monday, 07 April 2014. Hits 453

by Joel Czarlinksy

Sex. It’s called the guilty pleasure. All too often - if it’s gay sex - it’s considered a shameful pleasure.

10 years ago my lover of twenty two years and I recognized a social need. There was no safe secure club in New York City where men could engage in sex that wasn’t clothed in darkness or a subliminal negativity. So we opened a private men’s sex club whose purpose was to provide an environment where sex could be talked about and engaged in with a positive attitude. We felt that a safe, positive and comfortable setting such as ours would give people the freedom and security to develop healthy practices.  We knew that the implicit shame in “underground, closeted” sex only fostered unsafe practices. In fact, we watched over the years as condom use increased and conversations between positive and negative men, about sex and risk, became more commonplace.

After seven years in operation we received a letter from Mayor Bloomberg’s Midtown Task Force, stating their intention to close us down. Our letter of response reminded them of our work and openness with the state and city representatives and invited them to meet with us about our business. That meeting was declined.

Then on November 16, 2006 a task force of Mayor Bloomberg’s came just as the staff had opened and rushed them out of the club, with just enough time to gather their things, and padlocked the door. In spite of our organization as a private membership club, in spite of our involvement with the city and state for three years on the Commercial Sex Venue Working Group (CSVWG) forum, we were forced to close. At the time the Gay City News reported that the summons filed by the city detailed a list of sexual acts. The majority – up to of 80% of those cited in the summons - were cited as safe sex acts.

EL MIRAGE - that was the name of the club - strived to be a good business citizen. We paid taxes, had unemployment insurance and workman’s compensation, provided CPR training/ certification for our employees. We supported groups like The Anti-Violence Project and Ryan-Nena Community Health Center. We had HIV testing and STD counseling on a regular basis. We worked with the CSVWG.

We operated strictly as a private membership club.  We knew that a state health law – written in the late eighties to justify the closure of gay bathhouses - forbade public establishments from providing facilities for sex. In CSVWG meetings with health department representatives, we were even told that the officials would honor this interpretation of the law and not pursue enforcement.

Why close El Mirage? What could be the compelling reason?  NO SHAME. Operating illegally, underground with no community awareness is tolerated because those in power don’t look like they are condoning gay sex.

Ted Haggard’s shame would only allow him to admit to having massages by a male while using crystal meth, asking for forgiveness for the part of his life “that is so repulsive and dark.” James McGreevy came out to divert attention from his breaking corruption scandal to gain sympathy for the “suffering and anguish” of his homosexual lifestyle. Andrew Sullivan has said he wants gays and lesbians to be considered “normal.”

Now, what is normal? Shame? Shame defined in Wikipedia is “the consciousness or awareness of dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.

The question may be: whose consciousness or awareness shall lead us? Certainly not Haggard’s, McGreevy’s, Sullivan’s or a mayor of New York City. Any kind of consensual sex by persons of the same, or appropriate ages, should carry no shame. The dishonor, disgrace and self-condemnation are tools of the closet. As long as we are neutered, we are tolerated. But the idea that two men or two women have actual intimate physical contact brings our rights into question.

One of the philosophies from the sixties that was transformed, yet kept alive in the seventies by the gay and lesbian movement, was that of embracing our physical being as something spiritual and enlightening. Gay men developed this philosophy with more sexually expressive freedoms. Lesbians in turn developed a women’s health movement and a collective identity so beautifully proclaimed in “Our Bodies, Our Selves.”

This openness scared many people, straight and gay alike.  A resurgence of shame for sexuality was re-established throughout society. And this fear of ourselves, or should I say shame of ourselves, has brought us back to the oppression we see tolerated today. This shame prevents open and educated communication concerning sex, disease, and alternative lifestyles.

Who we are physically intimate with is one facet that makes us different from others - joyfully so. It gives us a novel -even revolutionary-  perspective on the world around us.

Shame is a terrible demon. After all, your shame could be considered my “normalness.” And it has no place being anywhere near sex, which is a glorious gift from the Universe.

To read more blogs by Joel, go to: http://www.tumblr.com/search/joel+czarlinsky

Latest Reader Comments

  • NCSF posts Media Updates on articles that we want people to comment on. Whether they're positive or negative articles, we help drive...

    NCSF

    25. June, 2015 |

  • Someone dropped the ball on this whole story. How did he get a license in Virginia with what happened in Florida? Simple. He got the...

    Guest

    23. June, 2015 |

  • I agree. I would highly recommend NCSF not repost articles defaming feminists.

    Angela Anderson

    08. June, 2015 |

  • Females didn't 'submit'. They were overtaken without choice.

    Many anthropological studies fail to mention the native ancient...

    Sacchiridites

    04. June, 2015 |

  • "Feminists" are not trying to redefine all regrettable sexual experiences as rape, feminists are trying to get actual victims to be heard...

    Brian Flaherty

    04. June, 2015 |

  • I just wonder in this day of supposed enlightenment and supposed understanding when people will realize that same-sex marriages and...

    M.Wryter

    28. May, 2015 |