Lolita has all the characteristics of a great teacher; vivacious, quick to laughter, earnest and forthright, and possesses a delicate patience. She is the author of two books, one on spanking, another on cock-and-ball torture (CBT); and is a charismatic activist in the BDSM community. Friday, as she drove to DC for her upcoming Whole DC-sponsored seminar, I had the pleasure to discuss with her the role of kink in sex, and in life. For more about Lolita, see the full interview below or check out her blog. (Warning, the blog is definitely not work-appropriate.)
This Quarter's Newsletter was the most fun to write. It features several different community perspectives, inclduing an article by Catalina Loves, talking about how the NCSF helped her in a critical moment in her life; a youth group in Baltimore that serves to help newcomers find their second skin, Tabu Social Club a success story for the NCSF Incident Response Program and a lively swing community space, and the new changes the NCSF is facing to better serve you resultant from our first ever joint board retreat. This issue is indicative of the new communications you should expect to see from the NCSF, highlighting not just the critical threats facing us, but the joy our community has and the beauty we aim to share with the world--and now with color pictures and more content!
I hope you enjoy, and don't forget that now your stories, your opinions and your writing can be featured in the NCSF blog and newsletter so submit yours to:
Catalina Loves, maven of Best Sex Bloggers, Fetlife and her own blog Catalina Loves writes a personal story of her experiences with the injustices facing the alternative lifestylers and the support she received from the NCSF:
My relationship with the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) began like many others do. I was neck deep in a conflict that was based in my free expression of my sexuality through my writing. I was asked to leave my teaching position, an agreement was reached and I left quietly without creating a scene. I used to teach in a small, private school in North Carolina, where my daughter also attended school. When I left my teaching position I was assured that it would not affect her last and final year of middle school.
Months passed, and we were within days of her returning to the 8th grade when I received a call from the Head of School that he had decided to rescind his offer to allow her to go to school there. After heated debate, he agreed that she could attend school, but if and only if I could secure a $1,000.00 expense fee to cover her field trips and lunches in advance. It was a bullshit fee, to be honest. It's not required of any other parent. He knew that we would not be able to come up with $1,000 in a matter of days. This was his way of keeping her out without risking litigation.
So I wondered what led this man, elder in his church, who had given me his word that my child would be unaffected, to suddenly revoke something that we had agreed upon? He said that based on an email to my husband, he had changed his mind. I looked at Marky, while still on the phone, and asked, "Did you exchange any emails in the last month with the school?" Of course he had not. Well the school made a terrible error. They contacted my ex-husband, not my husband. They contacted someone who has no legal custody of our daughter, and based on that conversation had decided that I would no longer be welcome in the parent community.
This happened, I'm sure by no coincidence, at the same time that I received threatening emails from my ex-husband, who suggested that due to my deviant behavior she should come to live with him.
I reacted immediately. First, I raised the money in a raffle that was initially supported by Lochai and quickly built into a huge CommUNITY movement of kinksters who were outraged. Secondly, I contact NCSF and accessed professional advice and consultations through their Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) listing. With the help of the community and the NCSF I felt prepared for battle.
Now, coming full circle, I am honored that my PR firm, Quid Pro Quo, will be working with NCSF on the launching of a new blog. We are doing the work pro-bono to show NCSF our appreciation and to give back to an organization that protects all of us. It feels really great to be in a position to give back. So do us a favor and help us help them. We'll be asking people to repost and tweet links and I hope you'll consider it your way of giving back to such an amazing organization.
Dr Brian PhD, a.k.a. “Dr. B”, a.k.a. “DrG”, with a Masters from the University of New Orleans and a PhD from Bowling Green State University in Psychology with a focus on Sexuality and Interpersonal Relations, has led many research projects, written papers, and presented at national conferences regarding his research on s-e-x. Hell, they even let him teach college a few times. He is not a therapist or counselor, but he is an opinionated smart-ass with regular access to a computer. He is also a fan of hip-hop, vodka martinis, and girls that wear skirts in the winter.
His advice is intended for entertainment purposes only and is probably not very good anyway. His interviews are even worse.
Q: At the start of our relationship, my girlfriend and I played around with the idea of having a threesome (with another girl), but we never actually ended up doing it. Now that we’re full on into the relationship, I’m afraid that there’s no real way to bring up the question again. Do you have any advice for couples and threesomes? Is it generally bad news bears or do you think it’s a healthy form of sexual experimentation?
A: I must admit that when I started reading your email and considering my response, I played around with a whole bunch of awesome directions I could take. My hands were salivating to bang out a column so clever that not only was it guaranteed to get you knee-deep in threesomes, but it would have resulted in enough widespread orgification to make Hands Across America jealous.
That was, until I got to the the end of your email. Are threesomes “Bad News Bears” you ask? Yes – for anyone that uses the phrase “Bad News Bears” in a letter to a sex advice columnist in hopes of convincing his long term girlfriend to suddenly allow him to bang another chick with, not only her consent, but also her participation. I’m pretty sure you missed the boat on this one, and unless you can purge terms like that from your vocabulary and figure out a way to bring it up again (what’s wrong with “Hey baby, remember that three-way we talked about a while ago? So wassup with that?”)
I will give you credit for bringing up the topic early on, the key to getting your fantasies fulfilled is to let them be known. However, it doesn’t seem like it was all that important as it was easy to push aside in favor of, I don’t know – doing laundry together? Sometimes our goals are so important, so urgent, that they drive our obsessions and help guide our decisions and dammit if we ain’t getting a threesome! Other times, they seem like things that might be more fun to talk about, but we somehow seem to never get around to it, like that second book I keep threatening to write. Never take your eye off the prize (or ball if you’re a little league outfielder for a ragtag team of misfits), depending on you and your girlfriend’s level of interest of course.
Oh, and yes. It can be a very healthy form of sexual experimentation. Now go get a few.
PS. Is my girlfriend reading this? Cuz baby, I totally got my eye on that one friend of yours…