I.e. How to ask him to be rougher (but not a psychopath) in bed.
By Lane Moore
If you're reading this right now, you've probably had a moment when you were hooking up with a guy and thought, "God it would be so great if he pulled my hair right now," but it feels so weird to ask someone that — not to mention it can seem legitimately scary to ask someone to be a little rougher with you, but not so rough you end up in your own Law & Order: SVU episode. But just because it seems scary and weird doesn't make it impossible to do.
Asking for rougher sex really does just boil down to having an actual Grown Ups Using Potentially Formal-Sounding Words discussion with your partner. It's not as simple as just saying, "Be rougher!" because that could mean 40 different things and odds are, you'll only want it to mean a very specific 10 things. Here's how to do that.
1. Tell him you want to be tied up and spanked, no more, no less. ?I can't stress enough the importance of having a pre-sex conversation about your own limits and making sure that he understands them — and I mean really, really understands them, not just "gets the gist". You can even have him repeat them back to you to make sure you're not playing a game of sexy telephone (Cut to: You whisper "light bondage" in his ear and somehow next thing you know you're in a sex swing with a whip like, "Not this at all! Nope! Noooope!") or just walk him through it. So when you say, "I want you to tie my wrists above my head and then fuck me," get out the tie and tell him when it's tight enough but not too tight and then get into the position you want him to fuck you in. Which brings me to... ?
2. BYOP (Bring your own props). If you want him to blindfold you and then he's like, "Yeah sure! Where's the blindfold?" and you're like, "Oh, uh, I don't have one because I was too busy thinking of a way to ask you to blindfold me without sounding like I was asking for a whole Fifty Shades scenario because I really just want to start there. At any rate, I didn't pick one up," that'll put a pause on that right quick. Even if it's just a t-shirt or a scarf, have it by the bed so when you ask and he says yes, you can go for it. (And back to the Fifty Shades thing, if you're at his place, a tie makes a real nice blindfold or wrist binder.)
3. If you don't know where to start: hair-pulling, spanking, wrist-tying, and blindfolding are popular ones.? Ask him to tie your wrists above your head and do you missionary style (or he can just hold your hands up there with his hands). Or tie something soft over your eyes and then go down on you. Or pull your hair back during doggy style. Or spank you as foreplay. All very hot options.
4. Don't be afraid to say "Oh hell no" when he's gone too damn far. If once you get into it you realize "eh, spanking isn't for me" or "ow, too hard! what the hell, David?" you need to feel comfortable saying, "back off, bro." Seriously, do not engage in even the slightest amount of rough sex play if you feel like you can't communicate your needs with him. Do it with someone you already know respects your boundaries (also if he doesn't respect your boundaries kindly show him the door and blast him on the Internet for real because that guy shouldn't be having sex with anyone ever for life.) ...
My sweet six-month-old baby is lying on his dressing table looking up at Mommy with a big smile on his face. He is the happiest at changing and feeding time. He seems pleased when the cool baby powder covers his bottom, and I gently press down the sticky tape tabs that secure his diaper, which is covered with blue teddy bears. Now that he's clean and dry, I will fill his belly with warm milk while I rock him lovingly and tenderly in my arms.
Once he's fed and his belly is full, I allow him to suck on his baby blue butterfly pacifier to relax and fall asleep.
Nearly all mothers experience this at least three times a day when raising a little one. My baby, however, is not really six months old... he's sixty-three.
The first time I had a potential client contact me for an "Adult Baby" session, I was taken aback. It wasn't as if I judged the request or the powerfully successful middle-aged man asking, but the situation forced me to take a deep look inside of myself. Could I step into the role-play authentically? Could I be a positive facilitator of this man's sexual authenticity? Or would I find myself making a personal judgment? Would I find the scene so unbelievable that I would crack and not be able to stay in character?
In spite of my doubts, I decided to try, and I'm so happy I did.
As a practitioner in fetish and domination, my role is to help facilitate a client's authenticity and sexual expression. Many times, I am contacted by men who are expressing their deepest desires and feelings out loud to another person for the first time in their entire lives.
The first time I spent a session powdering and diapering my client, I realized that when I leave judgment at the door and embrace curiosity, the physical modality stops being the forefront of the experience -- and what's left is the positive energy and enthusiasm generated between my client and myself.
The intimate and non-judgmental relationships I have with my clients are built on trust and respect. During our sessions, clients may take on a feminine role and dress in lingerie, make-up, nail polish, and wigs to help assist in the expression of being female, while others may have a foot fetish, adult baby fetish, or kidnapping and death fetish. For example, I have a client who takes on the role of a little lamb, and I role-play that I'm going to slaughter him for dinner. The client I mentioned earlier needs to act out like a baby, so I powder and diaper his bottom and feed him a bottle while rocking him in my arms.
Many may wonder, What kind of person likes this sort of thing? ...
The City of West Linn has ordered a local man to stop operating a bondage and discipline-sadomasochism room out of his home.
On its website, Mead Hall Dungeon is advertised as a private play space available for rental. David Levine said he hosts parties at the space twice a month.
“It’s simply people who enjoy gathering together and being in a fetish world with each other,” he explained.
The city began looking into Mead Hall Dungeon after a neighbor complained about several cars parking along West A Street, where the building is located.
Police determined no criminal activity was taking place, but the city then issued a cease and desist letter when they learned Levine did not have a business permit.
The city said Levine is violating code by operating without an adult business permit, but Levine said he doesn’t consider Mead Hall to be a business.
“We’re not using this to make income,” he said. “We’re using donations and stuff to be able to continue to supply paper plates and water and keep the electricity on.”
The dungeon is in a soundproofed, converted garage that sits off a long driveway.
Neighbors only recently learned about the adult activities taking place at the gatherings.
“All the neighbors around here were concerned because of the Friday night, Saturday night parking and the interesting people that seemed to be walking down the street and up the driveway,” said Robert Hoffman.
Mary Wendling said she was shocked when she found out about Mead Hall, especially because it’s located a few blocks down from West Linn High School.
“I just find it just totally inappropriate,” she said. “If people want to do that, that’s fine. But please, not in a neighborhood."...
A lawsuit filed by the owners of a planned swingers club in Summit Township was thrown out by a county judge.
Renovations to a private club in Summit Township remain stalled after property owners failed to submit a conditional use permit to township officials and instead sued the municipality last month.
Jackson County Circuit Judge Richard LaFlamme ruled against the private club owners' suit and directed them to file an appeal with the township.
"I'm sure I'll be seeing everyone here again in the future," he said Tuesday, Aug. 11.
The property at 4200 Spring Arbor Road was purchased by Epicurean Developments LLC in December, Jackson County records indicate, and has since created a storm of controversy, with area residents wondering what kind of business property owners plan to open at the location.
Several concerned residents have pointed to a website that states a swingers club dubbed "The Club at 4200" is set to open this spring in Jackson. An address for the club is not listed on the site.
Epicurean's legal counsel admitted Tuesday that the website is advertising for the Summit Township property, but said no illegal activities will occur and the township is at fault for issuing a construction permit and then reneging on the agreement.
"My client expended significant funds on this project," said Frederick Lucas, Epicurean's lawyer. "There is no sex allowed on the premises, this is not a brothel. This is consenting adults getting together to mingle.
"If they wish to engage in sexual acts, they need to go elsewhere," Lucas continued.
Township lawyer William Fahey said three words in the township ordinances are at question "clubs and lodges" and said the wording refers to "clubs like Rotary Clubs and lodges like the Masons."
"That is the common understanding," he said. "I don't think 'clubs and lodges' is an ambiguous term." ...
For many freshmen around the country, college orientation this year will include more than learning to manage a meal plan or figuring out when to declare a major. It could also mean sitting through lectures about sexual behavior on campus, sexual assault and affirmative consent. Some also will require students to fill out honor code forms agreeing to behave in a sexually appropriate manner. Among the schools that have incorporated sexual assault and consent awareness into their freshman curricula in recent years are Elon University, George Washington University, Indiana University, Rutgers and Stanford.
Cindy Pierce is a New Hampshire-based sex educator, the author of the soon-to-be-released book “Sexploitation” and a popular speaker on campuses around the country. And while some argue that the programs are overkill, since students today have access to more information than any generation that preceded them, Pierce argues that it’s exactly because there’s so much information out there that today’s students need more guidance.
Pierce joins Here & Now’s Robin Young from the studios of Dartmouth University in New Hampshire to discuss her work.
Interview Highlights: Cindy Pierce
On how to effectively teach young adults about consent
“This is really about reorienting people, because teaching people that ‘no means no’ hasn’t worked. We all know young women who have not reported being sexually assaulted, and we all know women who have been sexually assaulted, who have gone through the process.
“So instead of a checklist, instead of thinking of that as a checklist, it’s not that unreasonable to ask people to say, ‘Is this OK? Do you like this?’ And the question is ‘Do you know this person well enough? Are you connected in a way well enough not through text? Did you meet through text, is that how you interact?’ And now the reality is there’s no app to get you through the face-to-face naked place, so you’ve gotta communicate and you’ve gotta communicate clearly.”
On male involvement in the consent movement
“This is what’s shifting. I almost gave up speaking on some campuses, because I felt like there wasn’t a lot of change. But here at Dartmouth, these young men came to me, and asked me to speak at an event, and I thought, you know what? This is the first time that young men have come to me and said ‘come and speak.’ Because I think that there’s a lot of fear that they’re gonna be scolded and blamed and that we’re gonna wag our finger and, you know, that has traditionally been the case.”
On porn and sexual education
“I want educated viewers, I want viewers aware of what’s real, what’s not real, so my feeling is when I talk to young guys about porn they have so many questions, because it’s not working. When they try to convert what they’re learning into a sexual encounter, it’s not working. And they’re confused about female pleasure. They ask, ‘So women really like to be raped, is that true? So women really like to be tied up?’ They ask you that straight up. They’re looking for answers and the first place they go is porn. I tell young women: be the GPS, guide them in, but once again, so many women say ‘If he asked, I’d tell him everything,’ and the guy said, ‘I don’t want to ask, because I think I’m supposed to know.’ ...
Faith strongly influences people's attitudes to morality and whether or not they view monogamy as natural for humans
The recent Supreme Court decision which asserted that the right to marry is a constitutional right, including for same sex couples, has raised prompted some commentators to question whether the same could be said of polygamy. Polygamy has long been prohibited and rarely practised in the United States, but at least the practise is quite common in many parts of the Islamic world and sub-Saharan Africa. What is increasingly common in the United States, however, are various forms of 'polyamory', where people have multiple sexual and romantic partners with the full knowledge of their partners.
YouGov's research shows that most Americans (56%) reject the idea that polyamory is somehow morally acceptable, though one quarter of the country does think that polyamorous relationships are morally acceptable. Polygamy, that is marriage between more than two people, is even less acceptable, with 69% saying that polygamy is immoral and only 14% believing that it is morally acceptable.
Attitudes towards polyamory depend significantly on how religious someone is. 80% of people who say that religion is 'very important' in their lives say that polyamory is wrong, but among people for whom religion is 'not at all important' 58% say that polyamory is morally acceptable.
Judges across the country are saying “no” to the “yes means yes” standard of affirmative consent for date rape.
The legality of the standard – adopted on California and New York campuses by state legislatures and in effect on numerous other colleges throughout the country – is in question following a series of recent rulings that cite a lack of due process.
“These decisions are harbingers,” said John Banzhaf, a professor at George Washington University Law School and a public interest lawyer. “It does take time for new ideas to percolate through the system.”
Under the standard, the accused, typically a male, has to prove he obtained consent, even if neither party remembers what happened. The standard forces the accused to prove his innocence, rather than be proven guilty.
Proponents of the “yes means yes” law claim it’s a necessary step to combat sexual assaults, which some studies suggest occur at a high frequency on campuses.
But judges in California, Tennessee and Virginia say it goes too far.
A student expelled from the University of California-San Diego had an “unfair” hearing, Superior Court Judge Joel M. Pressman ruled in July. The John Doe accused in the case said he was unable to cross-examine his accuser and other witnesses. He also said he was forced to submit questions to a hearing panel in advance, and many of his questions were then rejected. Pressman agreed this was a violation of his due process rights.
A student found guilty of sexual misconduct by the University of Tennessee because he couldn’t prove he obtained verbal consent had his verdict overturned by a Chancery Court judge on Aug. 4.
A student expelled from Washington and Lee University for alleged sexual misconduct will be allowed to continue with his gender bias lawsuit against the school, U.S. District Court Judge Norman Moon ruled on Aug. 8. In the lawsuit, a Title IX officer at the school is quoted during a presentation she gave to the woman who later accused John Doe. The Title IX officer is alleged to have said “regret equals rape” and “went on to state her belief that this point was a new idea everyone, herself included, is starting to agree with.” Shortly thereafter, an allegation of misconduct was launched against John Doe. The Title IX officer played a significant role in the investigatory process.
A right to due process at state universities may seem like a novel concept, but Banzhaf said the fourth amendment protection was never intended to apply solely to the court system.
“The Constitution trumps everything else,” he said. “So no matter what the Department of Education or Department of Justice suggest, regardless of what a state’s statute provides, or what the University decides, the Constitution trumps it all.”
The Supreme Court somewhat settled the due process question in its 1976 Mathews vs. Eldrige decision, a case cited by Chancellor Carol L. McCoy in the University of Tennessee decision.
“The fundamental requirement of due process is the opportunity to be heard ‘at a meaningful time and in a meaningful manner,’” McCoy wrote. “Due process is flexible and calls for such procedural protections as the particular situation demands.” ...
On her website, Central Florida dominatrix "Goddess Jude" says she enjoys spanking, flogging, whipping and other fetish activities. The dominatrix also advertises "financial slavery" for clients who wish to "pamper" their mistress.
Dominatrix operates local 'dungeon'
But in a lawsuit filed in Seminole County Circuit Court, former client Alex Abrams, 68, claims Judith Gumbrecht took their sadomasochistic relationship too far, draining more than $500,000 from his bank and credit card accounts, as well as taking ownership of his 1,450 square-foot townhome in Casselberry.
"Given his mental and physical condition, he was exploited," said Abrams' attorney Brian Mark, who claims his client was suffering from clinical depression, dementia and Alzheimer's disease when he added Gumbrecht’s name to his financial accounts.
Mark claims Gumbrecht violated a Florida statute that makes it illegal to exploit an elderly person or disabled adult. An elderly person is defined as someone 60 years of age or older who is suffering from the infirmities of aging, according to Florida law.
"Our client has not been served with the lawsuit, so we are not able to provide any comment on it," said Gumbrecht's attorney, Lawrence G. Walters.
However, based on what he and his client know about Abrams, Walters said there is no merit to Abrams' legal claims.
Abrams met Gumbrecht about four years ago after divorcing his wife of 32 years, Mark said. According to the lawsuit, Gumbrecht told Abrams "it was of the highest honor to be her financial slave," and convinced him that such servitude "would bring her the most pleasure."
"Gumbrecht continued to reward Abrams with sexual favors," states the lawsuit, which adds that "Abrams would be punished" if he failed to adhere to the dominatrix's financial requirements.
On her website, Gumbrecht states she is a BDSM professional who "will NEVER perform illegal sexual acts."
Mark acknowledged it is not illegal for a dominatrix to offer sadomasochistic and financial slavery services. However, the attorney claims Gumbrecht knew about Abrams' diminished mental state because she accompanied him to an appointment with a neuropsychologist and psychotherapist in 2013.
"She went with him to the doctor when he was diagnosed," said Mark. "She was fully aware."
In May 2014, Abrams signed a deed transferring his Casselberry townhome to Gumbrecht. The property has an assessed value of $101,537.
In the lawsuit, Abrams accuses Gumbrecht of exploitation of an elderly person, theft, and unjust enrichment. He is seeking damages, interest and attorney fees. ...