Bob Bashara was a married Rotary Club president who lived in a ritzy Detroit suburb. He also had a secret love for BDSM—and prosecutors say he had his wife killed over it.
DETROIT—BDSM, an alleged killing-for-hire, street-level thuggery, and a life of privilege collide in a murder trial beginning this week in the Motor City.
Bob Bashara is charged with first-degree murder, among other charges, in the 2012 strangling of his wife, Jane, whose body was found in the back seat of her Mercedes SUV in a seamy area of the city. Prosecutors say Bashara hired a handyman to get rid of Jane so he could pursue his secret passion for BDSM with another woman, and testimony in the coming weeks promises to be salacious and violent.
Then there’s the weirdness.
“Wow, Mr. Bashara, you’re looking good today,” Wayne County Circuit Judge Vonda Evans said to the defendant when he walked into the courtroom Tuesday morning, the first day of jury selection process.
While such a public compliment by a judge of a man accused of murdering his wife is odd, Bashara, 56, is accustomed to such respect.
The son of a state appellate judge, he was living in an upscale Detroit suburb when Jane Bashara was found dead on January 25, 2012.
Bob Bashara was head of the Rotary Club, a deacon at the Episcopal church, and a booster of the local country club, a scion of power in the community of Grosse Pointe Park.
The state contends he hired Joe Gentz, 50, a local roustabout, to kill his wife of 26 years. ...
A parade of witnesses will detail their encounters with Bashara, who prosecutors claim wanted his wife dead so he could pursue a new life with his girlfriend and their BDSM—bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism—lifestyle.
Bashara led a double life, prosecutors say, filled with sexual trysts with several paramours, a full-time girlfriend, and an online identity as Master Bob, a dominator in the world of BDSM.
His “mistress,” Rachel Gillett, says she had no idea that Bob was married at the time of Jane Bashara’s murder.
“He told me he was divorced eight months before,” Gillett says. Only when Bashara was on television the day after Jane’s body was found, sobbing about his dead wife, did it dawn on her that she had been played, she says.
Another witness, Janet Leehmann, will testify that she responded to an ad at alt.com posted by Bashara and Gillett seeking a third, live-in party for their future life.
After Bashara flew to her Bend, Oregon, home for a brief stay a few days before the murder, she was no longer interested in his offer. Leehmann, who has two grown children, had no idea what she was in for.
“Who wants to be ‘outed’ for being a bit kinky by a homicide trial?” she says.
Bashara denies any culpability in the murder. He says that from behind bars; he was sentenced to up to eight years in prison in late 2012 for soliciting the jailhouse murder of Gentz.
“I wasn’t there, and I didn’t hire an idiot to do any criminal activity,” Bashara told me earlier this year.
Lead prosecutor Lisa Lindsey appears obsessed with Bashara’s BDSM lifestyle, and she has vowed to make it a major part of her argument against him.
“This is my life we’re talking about, and 95 percent of everything they have is bullshit,” Bashara says. “They’re using the fact that I had this alternative lifestyle as a motive for me wanting to harm my wife.” ...
Most Americans think there's a problem with campus sexual assault, and nearly six in 10 approve of a California law intended to combat it, according to a new HuffPost/YouGov poll.
Americans are nearly four times as likely to say that colleges and universities do a bad job than they are to say they do a good job of handling cases of rape, sexual assault or harassment. Just 13 percent rate schools' efforts positively, effectively unchanged from a poll taken earlier this year.
Fifty-nine percent support California's new "yes mean yes" law, which was signed into law in late September by Gov. Jerry Brown (D-Calif.) The law goes beyond the refrain "no means no" by requiring "an affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity." Just 21 percent disapprove of the law.
Women's groups and advocates for assault victims, who supported the change, say it will help educate students that silence isn't the same thing as consent. The law also requires new training for college faculty on how complaints should be reviewed.
Both genders are equally likely to say campuses do a poor job of handling sexual assault, but the survey finds divides along gender lines on how often justice is served for victims, and on who holds more responsibility for determining whether sex is consensual.
Sixty-two percent of women and 41 percent of men believe it's more common for rapists to go free because people don't believe the accuser than it is for people to be accused falsely of rape. Men are 9 points more likely than women to say false accusations are more common, and 12 points more likely to say they aren't sure.
Men, however, were more likely than women to say that whoever initiates a sexual encounter has the responsibility to make sure the other person consents, while women were about equally likely to say the person not initiating has the responsibility to make it clear whether they consent.
Among men, 49 percent say the responsibility for establishing consent lies with the person initiating, and 36 percent that it lies with the other person. Among women, 43 percent put the onus on the person initiating, and 45 percent on the other person. ...
There is a commercial space in the heart of Lower Manhattan that looks like a plain old office building. But inside, there's a sex club, and police and other tenants can't do anything to stop it.
Neighbors were shocked to learn that the wild swingers club even existed inside, with the Amsterdam Club apparently renting space on the third floor of the 27 Cliff Street location.
"That's definitely surprising for me to come across," said one man, who works in the building for a security company. "I never saw something like that."
He had no idea that a few floors below, there were alleged sex parties going on. The Amsterdam Club even advertises Freaky Fridays and Swinging Sundays on its website at a location described as a loft in the posh Financial District.
"Wow, I'm amazed," one woman said. "I had no idea. I thought we had a rather quiet, dignified neighborhood."
But other tenants in the building have complained to landlord Raj Sawhney about loud and inappropriate noises. Sawhney told Eyewitness News that he has two legal cases pending against the tenant, one for $30,000 in back rent owed and another because of alleged criminal activity. But he thought the tenant was a video production company.
Police issued a summons about two weeks ago for the sale of alcohol without a license, but sex, as long as it isn't sold, is legal.
Some neighborhood residents, however, say they aren't bothered by the alleged swingers club.
"To each his own," one passerby said.
But those working in the building don't like it at all.
"Our office is here," the security worker said. "I don't want nothing to conflict with our office."
The owner may have a tough time leasing the available ground-floor space, now that word has spread about what's happening up in the building.
When women in pop culture stray from the prescribed “good girl” into the most extreme bad girl—the sex addict—their interest in BDSM is typically equated with their addiction. By contrast, men are usually portrayed as hopelessly addicted to XXX images, preferring porn to people. Are male sex addicts fundamentally different from female ones, shackled to the Internet while women are shackled by handcuffs? If not, why does popular culture portray them in these two different ways? And what does this say about how women’s sex, desire and pleasure are not only portrayed but policed in our culture?
In films, male sex addicts focus on pornography, such as Adam Sandler’s role in the just-released film Men, Women and Childrenin which he and his son, played by Travis Trope, share this addiction. (Other recent movies in which guys OD on porn include Shame, Thanks for Sharing and Don Jon.) This development coincides with the ease of access to Internet porn, allowing anyone with a smartphone or laptop to have it.
These onscreen portrayals, along with similarly alarming nonfiction articles, offer up modern porn as a dangerous siren luring unsuspecting horny men into the abyss, never to connect with a real-live human woman again. Witness a 2011 New York magazine article about male porn use in which a 41-year-old man named Perry said, “I used to race home to have sex with my wife….Now I leave work a half-hour early so I can get home before she does and masturbate to porn.” The idea of watching porn by yourself for pleasure—and even masturbating!—gets diverted into making porn into a vice men should avoid if they want to have a healthy relationship.
Whereas men’s onscreen libidos get subsumed to porn, women sex addicts in such film classics as Nymphomaniac and The Piano Teacher go down a kinky path of no return. For these heroines, their pathology is part and parcel of their interest in masochism (though in The Piano Teacher, Erika does have a penchant for porn). The repeated linking of women’s interest in BDSM—bondage/discipline, domination/submission, sadism/masochism and other kinky play—with being unable to control that interest adds up to the idea that women just can’t get enough of whips and chains. Just as men’s brains apparently shut off when faced with naked bodies, women can’t think rationally in the face of a sexy Master, which simply isn’t true in the real world.
“There is no evidence that kinky women are more likely to be sexually compulsive. Just because someone has more sex than another person doesn’t mean they’re addicted, either,” says Susan Wright, spokesperson for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. “It’s derogatory to say someone is more likely to be out of control about their sexuality because of the frequency of their desire or because they like to do BDSM. In fact, most people who are nonmonogamous or kinky have learned how to communicate better with their partners to be sure everything is going OK. That’s the opposite of the self-harm model of sex addiction.”
Basically, “safe, sane and consensual” (a mantra for many in the BDSM world) doesn’t compute in the vanilla mindset of the world at large. Therefore, the idea of willingly wanting to give up some aspect of control of your life, whether it’s what you wear, when you orgasm or what kind of paddle is used on you, is deemed “abnormal.”
The recent popularity among women of the BDSM romance novel Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, which has sold over 100 million copies worldwide, led to media interest in the topic, much of which expressed a lingering suspicion of kinky sex as dangerous—but in all the wrong ways.
In fact, it’s hero Christian Grey, who tells heroine Anastasia Steele that he’s never had vanilla (nonkinky) sex before, who can fairly be said to be the BDSM “addict.” Yet he at least has a serious, long-term interest in these sexual activities. Anastasia is doing it primarily because she loves him and wants to please him. Does this make her a love addict by default? It’s unclear, but the idea that a woman would consent to an act like spanking or bondage is seen as suspect. One Forbes commentator wrote, “Do middle-aged women, the main audience for this book, really view the threat of violence as an aphrodisiac?”
Well, no, because BDSM takes place within the framework of consent and violence doesn’t. But you wouldn’t know that from much of the Fifty Shades handwringing, which will surely reach a fever pitch when the movie version (starring Jamie Dornan and Dakota Jackson) hits the big screen February 15.
The very nature of certain BDSM activities—especially some of its psychological aspects—are red flags for an addiction model that doesn’t have, pardon the pun, room for shades of gray. Women’s interest in BDSM per se is often taken as a sign of sex addiction, whether or not the activity is causing a problem in their lives, says Margaret Corvid, a writer, activist and professional dominatrix. “If a woman reports a sex addiction, her interest in a particular kind of sex is often tagged as the problem: She is likely to be advised by a healthcare provider to drop the kink, rather than to manage it so it doesn’t negatively impact her life.” ...
The victim woke up in her car parked in Buffalo, not knowing how she had gotten there.
But she remembered all too clearly the horrific abuse she had just survived, allegedly at the hands of a Lewiston man now charged with a long list of felonies, from first-degree kidnapping to aggravated sexual abuse and obstruction of airway, according to police.
Iver J. Phallen, 67, a retired businessman, used ropes, handcuffs “and other devices” to bind, choke, beat and abuse the 24-year-old Niagara County woman over a period of about 20 hours, police said.
And he told the victim he had brutalized other women in the same way.
Tuesday, Lewiston police urged anyone who knows Phallen or who may have been victimized by him to contact the authorities immediately.
“We believe there may be more, yes,” said Lewiston Police Sgt. Frank Previte.
“We’re requesting that if any individuals have had personal contact or dealings with Phallen, or have any information regarding this case, they contact the Lewiston police or state police,” Lewiston Police Chief Christopher Salada said.
At a news conference Tuesday afternoon at the Lewiston Police Department, investigators outlined what they believe happened at Phallen’s townhouse on Carriage Lane.
New York State Police Lt. Kevin Reyes, of the Bureau of Criminal Investigation, said it was not a chance encounter between Phallen and the young woman on Thursday.
“We believe it was a prearranged meeting and they were going to a known location,” Reyes said.
Police said the victim worked at the Colonie Lounge, a strip club and cigar bar on Hertel Avenue in North Buffalo, but authorities made a point of saying that her place of employment wasn’t relevant to the case.
The meeting between Phallen and the woman was initially consensual.
“And then it changed,” Previte said. “Phallen used ropes and other devices to asphyxiate her. It was against her wishes.”
The attacks occurred in a soundproof room at Phallen’s townhouse, and the room’s windows were covered with heavy blankets, authorities said.
“There was a vast collection of devices. It was methodical and all prepared in advance,” a member of law enforcement said, adding that there is no reason to doubt Phallen’s claims of encounters with other women.
“Over a 20-hour period, he subjected this victim to all kinds of physical and emotional abuse in dehumanizing her. It was torture, akin to being a POW,” the source said.
The victim told police that on different occasions throughout Thursday and into that night, Phallen choked her, rendering her unconscious.
“There was sadomasochism and BDSM (bondage, discipline and sadomasochism). There was physical injury against her, and all of it was conducted against her will,” Previte said.
Part of the “discipline” segment of BDSM, police explained, involves physical abuse and restraining the victim to render her helpless.
During the ordeal, Phallen bragged to the woman of past encounters during which he had physically mistreated other women, she told police. ...
More than 19 states including Hawai‘i have legalized gay marriage in the past decade due to increased public awareness and changing social views on what constitutes a romantic relationship. While this is great news, Americans are still strongly opposed to the idea of romance between more than two people. Here are a few guidelines on experimenting with ethical non-monogamy, or polyamory.
NOT JUST WILD ORGIES
Polyamory comes from the Greek words for “many” and “love” and refers to maintaining loving, intimate relationships with more than one other person. While sex is generally a natural part of romance, polyamory is more than just hooking up with various people. Swingers contrast with polyamory, focusing on sexual encounters over close relationships.
Love isn't scarce like natural resources and doesn't diminish as people are added to a relationship. Each relationship is unique and can have many or few rules, depending on the people involved. For instance, "polyfidelity” refers to a closed group of three to four individuals who may cohabitate over an extended period of time. Another group of polyamorous people may have a "condom contract" with each other – specifying under what conditions a new person may be added to the barrier-free group, if at all. Regular testing for sexually transmitted diseases after new partners enter the relationship is important and free in the state of Hawai‘i. Condom or barrier use is also a good idea for new partners.
While there is nothing wrong with traditional monogamy, it's historically been presented as the only option in life. In reality, there exists a diverse spectrum of relationship possibilities to explore beyond the typical single, dating and married option.
HONESTY AND JEALOUSY
The most important aspect of polyamorous relationships is honesty between partners. Jealousy can be a destructive force in all relationships, romantic or otherwise, stemming from fear of the unknown – fear that a lover may leave or that one is insufficient.
Open and frank discussion about topics like goals, desires and sexual boundaries can solve serious problems before they start by reassuring participants that their needs are being met and that everyone is comfortable.
Polyamory doesn't permit the ability to “cheat” on a partner at any time, as cheating implies deceit or dishonesty. If anyone involved isn't fully informed of and consenting to the existence of the other participants, then it's not truly a polyamorous relationship.
POLYAMORY AND THE LAW
Last year, California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill into law, allowing children to have three or more parents or legal guardians to reflect changing family structures. This is progress, but the status of households with multiple adults is ambiguous in the other 49 states. Furthermore, children could potentially be separated from the persons they know as parents. ...
Want to question a partner's sobriety before giving consent for sex? There's an app for that.
It's called Good2Go, and its launch comes days after California Gov. Jerry Brown signed a bill that defines when "yes means yes" and requires all state colleges to adopt a "affirmative consent" policy. The app, which is free to download on iTunes and Google Play, targets college-age adults and includes a sobriety questionnaire that asks users who they're sleeping with, when they're doing it, and how drunk or sober they are.
Lee Ann Allman, the app's creator, told Slate the inspiration for Good2Go came after she talked with college students about sexual assault on campuses across the country. "(They) are very aware of what's happening, and they're worried about it, but they're confused about what to do," she said. Since "kids are so used to having technology that helps them with issues in their lives," Allman believes the app will ultimately remind college student that consent to sex should be affirmatively given and revoked at any time.
The app claims to be "easy to use" and only one partner needs to download the app to use it. The Daily Mail documented how the app works:
To use Good2Go, users must launch the app, before handing the phone to their potential partner. Using a euphemism for sex, the app then asks the person: 'Are we Good2Go?', before offering them three choices: 'No, thanks,' 'Yes, but... we need to talk,' and 'I'm Good2Go.' If the individual chooses 'No, thanks,' a black screen pops up reading: 'Remember! No means No! Only Yes means Yes. BUT can be changed to NO at anytime!.' Meanwhile, the 'Yes, but... we need to talk' option leads to a pause, during which the couple are given time to discuss their mutual interest in sex.
The final choice, 'I'm Good2Go,' sends the user to a second screen, which asks them how intoxicated they are: a) 'Sober,' b) 'Mildly Intoxicated,' c) 'Intoxicated but Good2Go' or d) 'Pretty Wasted.' If the individual picks 'Pretty Wasted,' they are then informed that they 'cannot consent' to sexual activity and are instructed to hand the phone back to their potential partner....
You and your BDSM partner and group members may be having a great time, but there’s a lot going on that you need to know about. On the one hand, prosecutors and courts across the country are bringing criminal cases, even against consensual BDSM. But on the other hand, NCSF is making real progress for our communities—helping to change the psychiatric profession’s DSM criteria so that we are no longer defined as mentally ill, preventing prosecutions and filing legal briefs, and pursuing a nationwide Consent Counts project to decriminalize consensual BDSM.
Richard O. Cunningham, B.S., M.A., J.D., has advocated for over 40 years on issues of gender, race and sex. He has played a leading role in landmark legal cases, including being the supervising attorney on the U.S. Supreme Court case to allow women in military academies and the initiating attorney for the lawsuit during the Vietnam War that resulted in the “Fairness Doctrine” to require balanced media coverage of political issues. He is senior international trade partner at Steptoe & Johnson, LLP in Washington, D.C. He is the former Chair of the Boards of the NCSF Foundation and the Woodhull Freedom Foundation. Dick currently serves as NCSF’s Legal Counsel.
Judy Guerin is a well-known activist, writer, speaker and educator on issues of sexual freedom and gender expression. She is also a long-time practitioner of BDSM and sex educator on BDSM activities. She is a former board member of GenderPAC, the Woodhull Freedom Foundation, Forum 21 and the Black Rose. She is a former steering committee member of the National Policy Roundtable of GLBTQ/HIV groups, former executive director of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and advisor to the European Union Human Rights Commission on issues of sexual freedom and GLBTQ issues. She currently directs NCSF’s Consent Counts Project to decriminalize consensual BDSM in the U.S.
Advance registration required for dinner. Drinks and gratuity not included in ticket price. Event is 7pm-9pm.
***Please note: The BalMar's upstairs meeting room is accessible only by stairs.
This event is presented by the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture. Please go to TheFSPC.org for more information.