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"When Rape Fantasies Go Horribly Wrong"

on Thursday, 01 May 2014. Hits 390

The role-play scenario is increasingly popular—and fraught with peril. From a wife's recent Portland-area mishap to an unwitting attack in Wyoming, the fantasies, when poorly executed, have shattered lives, ended careers and put people behind bars

Vocativ

In the end, Elizabeth Renee Martinez will fork over a $5,000 fine, perform 100 hours of community service and spend the next two years on probation for getting raped by a stranger.

The Happy Valley, Oregon, woman was being violated by the attacker when her husband, Ricardo, walked into the couple’s bedroom—and unwittingly into his wife’s elaborate sexual fantasy.

Martinez and the stranger had met online through a rape fantasy ad she had placed on Craigslist, according to officials. But when her husband stumbled into the act and caught her cheating, she claimed the rape was real and called 911.

The cops came, an investigation ensued, and detectives ultimately determined that Martinez was lying. A Clackamas County judge delivered her sentence this month.

After lying to the police and falsely accusing a stranger, Martinez got off relatively easy. And as the prosecutor noted, it could have been a lot worse. “Imagine if her husband had a firearm,” he remarked.

As it turns out, rape fantasies go awry all the time. The potent brand of sexual play is fraught with pitfalls. Jobs are lost. Lives are shattered, and years are spent behind bars.

“There’s a real risk any time you play with the outward appearance of non-consent,” said Janet Hardy, a writer and sex educator who admits to indulging in her own rape fantasies. “These fantasies are not something to carry out casually. Or with complete strangers.”

Students and faculty at North Dakota State University were forced to deal with a rape fantasy run amok last year when authorities began hunting a masked man who snatched a female student from a campus parking lot. The student, Mary Gullickson, told cops she had been abducted and sexually assaulted, prompting the entire school to go on high alert.

Police later discovered that the 20-year-old psychology major had posted on Craigslist that she wanted to be kidnapped, bound with duct tape, raped and then dropped off where she had been abducted. The ordeal ended with Gullickson charged with a misdemeanor and her mug shot plastered across the Internet.

Others have fared worse. David Leatham and Kristie Gitnes both lost their jobs after they were busted for allegedly carrying out an extramarital rape fantasy in a wooded area outside of Milwaukie, Oregon, which is just south of Portland. A nearby homeless woman had called the police and reported a rape in progress.

The pair, both of whom were married to other people at the time and had met on Craigslist, later tried to sue Clackamas County and a local sheriff’s deputy, claiming they had been falsely arrested. They lost in court.

“Humans do a lot of strange things, but these are particularly bizarre cases,” says Lt. Robert Wurpes, a spokesman for the Clackamas County Sheriff’s Office, which also handled the case involving Elizabeth Martinez. ...

"Integrated Health Cooperative aims to provide ‘whole health’ options to marginalized communities"

on Thursday, 01 May 2014. Hits 181

Out and About Nashville

by James Grady

...

Indeed, at this point the clinic cannot possibly be sustained completely by offering transgender services. The IHC’s model will instead be to reach out to other groups facing healthcare disparities. In addition to alcohol and drug treatment services, particularly for those with associated mental health disorders, the clinic’s other major focus is the kink community.

A general lack of understanding of the kink community and their culture creates a lack of access in subtle ways. Billy described a common situation that illustrates this: “people in the kink culture tell us that people don’t take them or their nontraditional relationships seriously. For instance, I’ve had people tell me about being treated coldly, or even laughed at, by their doctors when they asked for a reference to counseling when they get uncollared by their partner.”

IHC’s focus on varied, and sometimes non-overlapping, marginalized communities requires maintaining the comfort and sense of security of, and a safe and welcoming environment for, each group. Billy explains, “We’ll be dividing up days so that our days of providing drug and alcohol treatment services won’t overlap with our services to transgender or kink services. It is essential that we create a place for individuals who experience healthcare disparities to come and feel accepted, not just tolerated.”

Given the centrality of the transgender community to their mission though, IHC will provide a broader range of services to the transgender community than one might normally consider basic healthcare. For instance, as soon as salon chairs can be secured, volunteers are ready to provide salon services to transgender individuals. Billy explains that this sort of care is, however, part of whole health: “transgender individuals encounter what some people call transwhisperers, people at supposedly transaware places where people are pointing you out and outing you, intentionally or not.” Psychologically this creates a resistance in transgender people from seeking services that enhance their feeling of well-being, while also stoking psychological issues which are already difficult for the individuals.

The goal of IHC is to expand such services and create a place that supports whole health, physical and mental while building the IHC into an LGBTQI health center focused on whole health and wellness.

The next major step in the work of IHC is establishing a non-profit to undertake the healthcare policy aspect of the transgender community by increasing awareness, organizing advocacy, and legislative initiatives. As the clinic builds and the non-profit develops, they will also support the development of education outreach initiatives, such as offering sensitivity training for clinics and doctors, as well as other providers, to help them become more aware of and receptive to the needs of diverse communities. ...

 

"PolyGlamorous"

on Monday, 28 April 2014. Hits 305

Stanford Daily

by Lily Zheng

In high school, I probably wouldn’t have predicted that polyamory would have any part in my time as a Stanford student.

I figured that maybe I’d find someone I’d like, we’d date and then we’d presumably either break up or marry — only two options, and both of them daunting. Could I even date people if I had to choose between falling out with them or marriage? Marriage?

And then I actually came to campus and added the word “hookup” to my vocabulary, and for a few short months I thought everything made sense. It was so convenient to have that sort of no-strings-attached intimacy, so nice to not have to date so I didn’t have to think about the future. For that one night I’d have a hell of a time, and then we’d perhaps smile at each other for a week as we biked past in opposite directions. Then we’d forget about each other, rinse, repeat. Welcome to Stanford, right? We’ve all grown to accept that.

But when I started falling in love with multiple people instead of just hooking up, I had to ask myself if I was ready for polyamory. Well, the first question I asked was: Was poly even okay?

When it happened, it wasn’t as if it was nonconsensual — we were all from campus, we all talked about it, agreed on it, had the consent of everyone involved. We went on cute dinner dates, bickered over completely pointless things, flirted over Skype, cuddled — how was that different from “normal”? My friends had similar relationships and were some of the happiest, most content people I knew. But for some reason, poly didn’t make sense to people around me.

Some people told me that my love wasn’t genuine since it was “spread out,” or something — how could I be so cruel to my partners as to only love them half as much as I should, or a third as much as I should? I was honestly puzzled by the question; what about people with two kids? Is each only loved half as much as they should be? Sorry, economists, but love is an infinite resource — it’s not like love takes up space, and we tend to have large hearts in the first place. Why restrict yourself to one?

Polyamory is hardly perfect — we deal with the same things that all relationships go through. Jealousy, miscommunication, loneliness; we work through the same issues as people in monogamous relationships, except that for polyamorous relationships, communicating about these things is not a choice but a necessity. Communication is the only difference between a healthy poly relationship and cheating on your monoamorous partner. And so we tell each other when we’re feeling jealous, when we develop feelings for new people, about how we feel towards each other multiple times a week. ...

"Is Monogamy Really Possible?"

on Thursday, 24 April 2014. Hits 440

Adultery, polyamory, and Psychology Today

By Cecil Adams

 

Psychology Today advocates multiple partners and open marriages and offers “evidence” that monogamy isn’t possible. Comparing man to animals is weird to me—we’re supposed to be separated out by reason and morality, right? —The Good Wife, Austin, Texas

Psychology Today, ever on the cutting edge, has had monogamy in its crosshairs lately. A casual search turned up at least nine articles on the subject in the last year. Here’s a representative quote, from “The Truth About Polyamory” by Deborah Taj Anapol:

“Our cultural obsession with monogamy is going the same way as prohibition, slavery, the gold standard, and mandatory military service. In other words, while serial monogamy is more popular than ever, lifelong monogamy is pretty much obsolete, and for better or worse, polyamory is catching on.”

Let’s break this down:

Monogamy is on a par with prohibition, slavery, etc. Spare me. Polyamory is catching on. Depends how we define the term. If strictly, show me your cites, lady. If more liberally, we can talk. More below. Serial monogamy is in, lifelong monogamy is out. True beyond dispute. However, we need to clarify what we mean. Time for the straight dope.

Let’s start with those investigations of animal mating habits you take issue with. It’s often said 9 percent or some other low proportion of mammals is monogamous. So? A puppy reaches maturity in a year; a human newborn needs 11 to 12 years. There’s an explanation for monogamy right there.

Except it doesn’t hold up. Among chimpanzees, the species most closely related to us, the young reach maturity in 8 to 15 years, comparable to humans. But chimps mate promiscuously and never pair off. Although the young remain with their mothers, there’s otherwise minimal family structure. Alpha males dominate and have sex more often than males farther back in the alphabet, but they don’t have harems to organize and defend.

My point is, there’s nothing in our biology that demands monogamy. Sure, it has practical advantages. For humans, rearing the young is a more labor- and resource-intensive process than for chimps, who don’t have college tuition to contend with. But I’ll bet we could come up with some free-love it-takes-a-village kibbutz thing if we put our minds to it.

A lot of Psychology Today contributors think that we’ve arrived at an advanced state of civilization, and we’d be happier if we abandoned the impossible dream of happy lifetime pairing and tried something else. The question is whether we’re actually doing so in significant numbers. Answer: Of course we are. It’s just not called polyamory, or some other trendy term. It’s called divorce.

Let’s look at monogamy alternatives, from least to most common (I’ll ignore celibacy):

Open marriage—that is, a married couple who expressly allow each other to have other sex partners. I don’t doubt there are secure, stable individuals who can handle this long-term without tears. But not a lot. PT contributor Michael Castleman cites unnamed “sexologists” as saying 1 percent of married couples are “committed to occasional non-monogamy,” with “another percent or two ‘curious’ enough to visit sex or swing clubs.” Self-report of sexual activity is notoriously unreliable, but never mind. We’ll say 1 to 3 percent. ...

"The BDSM Writers Con Hits NYC August 21-24"

on Tuesday, 22 April 2014. Hits 249

And RT Readers Get A Discount!

RT Book Reviews

Floggers, whips, canes and cuffs are certainly fun to read about, but how exactly does it all work in the real world? This year marks the third annual BDSM Writers Con in New York City, August 21-24 — an event that connects readers, writers, BDSM lifestyle professionals and curious parties for a weekend of books, demos, workshops and more. If you're a writer in the area looking for a safe, judgement-free space to get expert advice from lifestyle practitioners, or a fan looking to connect with some fantastic BDSM erotica writers, this event is for you. This year the con's keynote speaker is Joey W. Hill. The attending authors list includes several USA Today/NY Times bestselling authors, including Marla Monroe and Kallypso Masters, and some other erotica up-and-comers, including Cris Anson, Miranda Baker, Gray Dixon, Laci Paige and more.

The con is divided into two tracks: "writers" and "everyone." The writers track is pretty self-explanatory and focuses on the craft, while the everyone track is for readers and fans, in addition to writers, and includes live demos and lifestyle workshops.

The BDSM Writers Con is also offering a BDSM book contest in collaboration with Decadent Publishing, The Wild Rose Press and Totally Bound. The top three submissions in each category (Dom women/submissive men, Dom men/submissive women and LGBTQ D/s) will win a book contract with one of the aforementioned publishers. Did we mention you don't need to be at the conference to win? What are you waiting for!? Submission guidelines are on the contest page.

We know, this is a lot to take in at once. And conferences can be daunting to begin with. Throw in all the BDSM aspects and this event could seem downright nervewracking. But if you're a new writer, the conference is offering a free Author Buddy Program, which pairs new writers with veterans who provide one-on-one advice regarding the industry, how to submit a manuscript, query letter writing and more.

The weekend is capped off with a night out at an actual BDSM club on Saturday night, followed by a public book signing on Sunday. ...

"Learning the Ropes at Bondage Expo Dallas"

on Tuesday, 22 April 2014. Hits 280

Dallas Observer

by Lauren Smart

He loops the mustard yellow rope into knots, strong fingers pulling it tight around her skin. One hand grips her shoulder, the other drapes the rope around her chest, pulling it into the first of several harnesses for a full-body "takate kote." It's taken him years to master box-tie suspension, and women like Cherise come here to learn, to spend an hour in someone else's control, hanging from ropes as their body drifts into a zen-like state of numbness.

"We never have sex," says DallasKink, a local rope maker and bondage instructor. "People come here in couples or single to explore things they're curious about or to learn how to tie each other up, and I'm happy to teach them."

Cherise is an average working mom with a day job in marketing and what she describes as a "vanilla life." She invited me along to watch her get tied up, to open my eyes to the sensual lifestyles that exist alongside the rest of Dallas. Her name, of course, is not Cherise, just as no one has ever named their child "DallasKink," but anonymity is vital for keeping their daily lives intact.

"America is still very conservative, and a lot of us could lose our jobs if we were publicly interested in these things," she says. "I'm balancing two different lives. Sometimes I think it's shame they have to be disconnected because the bondage community is certainly not as dark as people are led to believe."

Cherise says she also once assumed the community would be filled with Slipknot music, ass-less chaps and giant whips. Certainly Hollywood depicts the world of sexual dominance as savage and dangerous, but Cherise found the Dallas community to be respectful and welcoming of her exhibitionism and rope fantasies. And she found a teacher in DallasKink, who emphasizes safe practices and the importance of trust.

"My first rule is no neck," DallasKink says. "When you're playing with ropes, you never tie anyone up by the neck. That's when things get dangerous."

Such conversations about safety and proper technique became the inspiration for Bondage Expo Dallas, which was created by DallasKink last year. Now an annual event, this weekend-long convention take place April 25-27 at the downtown Crowne Plaza and runs the bondage gamut, teaching beginner techniques to the eager 50 Shades of Grey reader and heightening the practices of the hogtying exhibitionists. Bondage masters from across the globe visit the expo to discuss the distinction between torture and applied pain, or the psychology of predicament bondage, which embarrasses or humiliates its subject to fulfill unrealized desires.

For outsiders, understanding this need for mental fulfillment can be an entry point into an otherwise unfamiliar fetish. For many people in the BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism) community, there is an inextricable link between their childhoods and their desires. This may sound perverse, but research demonstrates that latent desires, thoughts or interests in childhood spur sexual adult behavior. Unsurprisingly, Sigmund Freud gave the first detailed psychological reports of these behaviors, pointing to a child witnessing adults having sex and projecting a scenario of one adult controlling another onto the scene.

"They inevitably regard the sexual act as a sort of ill-treatment or act of subjugation," Freud wrote, in an essay on theories of sexuality. "They view it, that is, in a sadistic sense."

In his studies on the topic, Dr. Charles Moser of the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco finds the motivations for kinky behavior to be incredibly diverse. But his findings echo the sentiments of DallasKink, in that while the scenarios lead to intensified sexual fulfillment, they create catharsis rather than orgasm....

"Don’t Suck At FetLife, Or A Guide To Kinky Social Media Sites"

on Tuesday, 22 April 2014. Hits 254

Social News Daily

by Kim LaCapria

Facebook and Twitter are social networking standard names, but maybe you’ve got a bit of an interest in kinky social media — and sites like FetLife are quietly, discreetly growing in prominence amid the more vanilla social networks.

Of kinky social media options, you’ll find enclaves on Tumblr, Reddit, and other sites — but FetLife is an outlier both in its singular devotion to kink and BDSM and its alignment with real life after social media connections are made.

The internet is for porn, or so they say, and FetLife is for BDSM and kink — a realm in which far many more people than you might realize have a casual to intense interest and drive to get involved. Social News Daily has covered the world of quick hookup social — like Tinder, Grindr, and Bang With Friends — but like kink itself, the BDSM social media thing is a bit more intense, complicated … and maybe fun.

Most people dip a toe in the FetLife pool hesitantly, unaware of the copious real-life social opportunities that crop up on the site in most localities. BDSM and kinky social media aren’t nearly the same as their contemporaries like Facebook, but the ability of kinky folk to make connections with like-minded folk is rife and valuable.

The post linked above examines both FetLife and kinky social media, observing of a local event:

“So as someone from outside the lifestyle looking in, I can appreciate that Purgatory does provide a place for people to dip their toe into kink. It’s also a place for FetLife folks to get together offline. I appreciate seeing any kind of community building, especially for people on the fringes. Human sexuality is amazingly diverse. Everyone should be free to explore their sexual self in a safe and non-judgmental space.”

 

Consent Counts Discussion in Phoenix

on Monday, 21 April 2014. Hits 401

NCSF partners with Arizona Men of Leather and Arizona TNG to hold a consent discussion at One Voice Community Center in Phoenix.

 

Free! and open to all adults

Saturday, April 26

2-4pm

@ 1 Voice

4442 N. 7th Avenue - http://1vcc.org/

Consent isn’t black and white – in fact sometimes what’s legal isn’t considered to be ethical by kinky people, and sometimes what kinky people consider to be ethical isn’t legal. Come join our interactive discussion to talk about the concepts of risk, limits, renegotiation, and how consent is given in scenes vs. power exchange relationships. We’ll look at the results of NCSF’s Consent Survey and see where the respondents largely agreed (you can revoke consent at any time), and where there was significant disagreement (above a certain degree of injury, there should be prosecution even where consent was given). Come talk about how the community is dealing with consent, so NCSF can hear from everyone what your shade of consent is.

https://fetlife.com/events/243147

 

Also, save the date for NCSF’s “BDSM? Erotic Play? Learn the Social & Legal Issues” presentation at APEX on May 19th, 7:30-9:30pm.

Latest Reader Comments

  • kink* (darn autocorrect)

    Luke Adams

    05. March, 2015 |

  • It took me a couple of days before I could process enough of this jaw-droppingly ahistorical mess of an article to post some reply here...

    Luke Adams

    05. March, 2015 |

  • I'm open to changing my mind, but it seems to me that Fetlife is not an appropriate place to bring criminal charges. Any open forum could...

    Silenus

    04. March, 2015 |

  • I'm going to take this writer at her word and approach this "from a critical standpoint": it's bad history, badly and glibly and...

    Patrick Mulcahey

    04. March, 2015 |

  • Any time someone starts their Leather or BDSM "history" with "started as a sub" my BS detector goes into overdrive. This person has...

    Kenneth Anthony

    04. March, 2015 |

  • Where's the rest of the article? It just ends worth "no longer qualifies..."

    Heather Vandegrift

    18. February, 2015 |