A Facebook-like site for kinksters stops users from naming alleged abusers, sparking debate over justice and safety
The accusations range from “he told me I didn’t need a safe word” to “[they] inserted a knife into my vagina without getting my permission.” In recent months, allegations of sexual abuse in the BDSM community have popped up on Fetlife, which is basically Facebook for the kinky community. But site administrators have begun to remove message board posts that actually name names, igniting a debate over whether it’s right to publicly reveal the identity of alleged abusers and about how to best deal with BDSM crimes that many survivors are resistant to take to police.
When I asked John Baku, the founder of Fetlife, for the reasoning behind deleting accusations, he let out a heavy sigh and said, “It’s definitely a tough situation. We see both sides.” Later, he adds, “There’s many reasons. We don’t really allow people to attack other people on the site.” Asked whether there are legal concerns behind it, as many in the community have speculated, he says, “There definitely probably is.” (In Canada, where Fetlife is based, laws are “much more friendly to plaintiffs” than in the U.S., where online publishers are protected from being held responsible for user posts, says Kurt Opsahl, senior staff attorney at the Electronic Frontier Foundation.) Baku, who rarely gives interviews, continued, “but our focus really is on trying to get people to speak to the proper authorities so that the people who have committed these horrible crimes get put away.”
When I asked whether the company is trying to protect users against false accusations, Baku spins a yarn: “Let’s say you and I — you do have a beautiful voice — I come to San Francisco and we go on a date. Hypothetically, I’m submissive, you’re dominant, and I ask you to tie me up,” he says. “You think we have a wonderful night, I think we have a wonderful night, and all of a sudden tomorrow I go online and say, ‘You raped me,’ and email your editors at Salon and say you raped me and go onto Twitter and say you raped me.” Falling for his role-play scenario and flattery, I offered that I’d want to talk to him to figure out whether I had unknowingly violated his consent.
Sure, that’s all good and great, he said, but what about the potential consequences? “The community’s very small, right? So you might lose all your friends,” he says. “You might lose your job.” Baku adds, “We live in a society where you’re innocent until proven guilty. ‘Proven’ is very important.”
Kitty Stryker, an activist and dominant who is campaigning to raise awareness about abuse in BDSM, doesn’t buy the argument that people’s lives might be ruined by being labeled as an abuser on Fetlife, particularly because real names are rarely used. “The debate is constantly about whether or not we should name screen names. It’s not like these are actually people’s legal names. Hell, on Fetlife you don’t even have to have a photo of your face. It’s really your own fault if you make yourself traceable.” So, in general, we’re not talking about a rape accusation that’s Google-able by a future employer. Within the BDSM community, though, these screen names are important: “It’s great for establishing some sort of accountability” — and for helping people avoid dangerous encounters. ...
Jennifer Quinn had spent about a year working at a Fascinations adult store surrounded by toys, fashions and accoutrements, but it was the best-selling romance "50 Shades of Grey" that inspired her to buy a riding crop.
It wasn't the Chandler mother's first purchase from an adult store for her and her husband. But the crop was a bold move toward the kind of BDSM play (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism) that takes place between the book's main characters, Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.
"I started reading the books a couple of weeks ago, and now I'm re-reading them. Once I picked those books up, I couldn't stop. Like, I stopped doing laundry," Quinn said with a laugh. "When (Christian) spanks her while she's using the Kegel balls, I have those and I never would have thought of that. Amazing."
Across the country, sex shops are seeing a spike in sales of the kinds of toys and accessories mentioned in the New York Times best-selling trilogy by E L James, a London TV executive, wife and mother of two. The sex is between two consenting adults, with an explicit contract and much discussion of "safe words," but the books are filled with spanking, flogging and gagging, and the use of restraints, masks and Kegel balls, which are used during exercises to strengthen vaginal walls and the pelvic floor.
From national online retailer AdamEve.com to Tempe-based Castle Megastore, displays are going up in shops, banner ads are being added to websites and sales staff are being encouraged to read the books, which have been selling out in stores for about two months. ...
It seems that no one is immune to E L James' controversial novel, 50 Shades of Grey. Television shows, magazines, popular blogs, even side conversations outside the school pick-up line are filled with talk about how hot it is -- and how it may be solely responsible for jump-starting the sex drives of bored housewives across the country. While I agree that some of the sex scenes are quite titillating, I find myself annoyed at the overt Bondage/Discipline/Dominance/Submission/Sadism/Masochism (BDSM) stereotypes advanced by the book. Especially since the latest scientific studies concerning sexual behavior do not back them up.
Handsome, charming and incredibly wealthy, 50 Shades' Christian Grey is considered Seattle's most eligible bachelor, the kind of man that no woman can resist. But readers soon learn that Mr. Grey has a dark side: He is a Dominant who likes to tie up and whip submissive brunettes like his innocent new conquest, Anastasia Steele. And when Anastasia digs deeper to understand his strange sexual predilections, she learns that he had a violent early childhood, was neglected by his "crack whore" mother and abused by her pimp. Grey tells Anastasia that his perverse desires stem from being "50 shades of [effed] up" -- hence the provocative title.
Whether we are reading about Mr. Grey, appreciating a young Mickey Rourke in 9 ½ Weeks or being horrified by the latest potential perp on Law & Order: SVU, we have, as a culture, hooked into the worst kind of BDSM stereotypes. We are conditioned to see those who practice the lifestyle as imbalanced, damaged and potentially violent. We believe they are incapable of building or maintaining successful sexual or emotional relationships. We think these are people to be both pitied and feared -- but mostly feared. And most dangerously, we think these are people who need to be fixed. As one acquaintance told me, "I admit that 50 Shades was kind of sexy. But I think that kind of sex is just really, really wrong and dangerous." I've heard more than a few folks, some of them with lots of letters after their names, wholeheartedly agree with her.
But is BDSM really wrong and dangerous? While there is an overall lack in the study of sexuality in general, new studies across the globe are defying some age-old casts -- and helping us to reassess the way we look at BDSM culture and what we consider "normal" sexuality. Here are a few of the most brazen stereotypes seen in 50 Shades of Grey -- and what science has to say about them. ...
Mad_Scientist (Matt) passed away on May 23rd, 2012, at the age of 35. His death was accidental. He was a great friend, a brilliant mind, and an exceptional lover.
Matt was awesomely creative and scientifically curious. His first focus for his customers was always safety. Many of you will remember Matt commenting in the vac bed groups and taking a strong stand against the idea that a person could safely do vac bed bondage whilst alone.
Kink Engineering’s philosophy continues to be safety first; therefore, even though it hurts to say it, we have a duty and responsibility to the community and to our past and future customers to be completely honest here.
Matt died, because he made a stupid decision to go into a vac bed alone, while Archean was out of town. He thought he had figured out the safety issues and created another layer of safety; he was wrong and it cost him his life.
There is no way that we at Kink Engineering could ever cover up the real cause of death and pretend it happened any other way, to do so would be a disservice to our customers, the community, and to Matt, who was adamant that vac beds be used responsibly and safely.
Matt’s death was a direct result of prolonged neck compression from the neck gasket. The bed he chose to go in had been custom fitted to Archean, who has a much smaller neck. The baro receptors in his internal carotid arteries signaled to his body that his blood pressure was dangerously high, and this sent off a vagal response to slow the heart. Since the signal of high blood pressure could not be relieved, Matt lost consciousness and the vagal response caused his heart to stop completely.
Had there been a person to assist outside the vac bed, they would have been able to get him out at the first sign of trouble or non-responsiveness. All Matt’s safety contingency plans relied on him still being conscious enough to implement them, and thus, they were useless.
Never, ever get into a vac bed alone. There is no safe way to do so. The man who understood vac beds the best, in the whole world, wasn’t able to do it safely. Please do not allow this scene to replay with another person’s death.
I guess I’m a little behind the curve in the whips-and-handcuffs department — wait, is there an unintended pun in there?
Despite weeks of media fanfare over “Fifty Shades of Grey,” the Twilight fan-fiction series turned sadomasochistic romance trilogy, it wasn’t until I inquired about a large stack of books behind a Barnes & Noble cash register that the popularity of the series hit me like a leather whip (intended).
“Are those all ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’?” I asked the middle-aged female cashier.
“Oh yeah,” she said, already laughing. “We keep them by the register because someone asks for them every five minutes or so. I don’t get it, either.”
I’d heard of them briefly, but the conversation prompted me to read a few articles online, where I learned that the trilogy occupies all three top spots on The New York Times e-book bestseller list.
Okay, given the Twilight phenomenon and a little bit of reflection, maybe I’m not surprised. Both take excellent advantage of our puritanical mix of fascination and self-loathing when dealing with the taboos of “sexual deviancy.”
But it’s the over-hyped, poorly thought-out criticisms that are more absurd — and more disgusting — than anything you’re likely to find in these grossly-coined “mommy porn” novels.
Most prominently, there’s the idea that these books’ popularity suggests sadomasochism is “going mainstream.” Wrong. Sadomasochism has always been mainstream, just not in public. Unlike Twilight, I didn’t see a large, by-the-front-door display for “Fifty Shades of Grey” at Barnes & Noble. The books weren’t even right next to the register, but kept behind a pillar where customers are no doubt less likely to find it, unless of course they are looking for it. ...
A Florida county is putting the racy romance trilogy "Fifty Shades of Grey" back on its library shelves.
The Brevard County Library System had pulled 19 copies of the best-sellers from its bookshelves earlier this month. County officials said the decision was made after they read reviews of the trilogy initially self-published by the author in e-reader form.
A county spokesman also called the books "semi-pornographic."
On Monday, the county announced that "Fifty Shades of Grey" would be available immediately through the library in response to requests from residents.
Library Services Director Cathy Schweinsberg said the library was against censorship and was reviewing its selection criteria.
Public libraries in several states have banned to book trilogy, saying it's too steamy or too poorly written.
In early May, at a suburban home in Chattanooga, Cindy Faulkner began unpacking one of several boxes, removing lingerie, blindfolds, massage oils, and dildos to display for the half dozen women gathered. Faulkner is a sales consultant with Ohio-based Pure Romance, the Amway of vibrators, and she was the guest of honor at a party of the sort one might normally associate with Tupperware. Before Faulkner could even finish unpacking, two of the guests began asking her about the Fifty Shades of Grey books, the bestselling erotic romance trilogy written by overnight British sensation E.L. James. Did she have any of the toys featured in their favorite scene, including a tickle and whip (a leather riding crop with a feather on one end), blindfolds, and a set of Ben Wa balls (a vaginal exercise device)? Yes. “It’s like waking a sleeping giant for some of these women,” says Faulkner, whose sales and party bookings have increased 15 to 20 percent in the past two months, helping Pure Romance’s 75,000 consultants set a pace for $120 million in 2012 sales. “My business is about to explode.”
Originally written as Twilight fan fiction in 2011, with explicit sex scenes featuring bondage and submission, they were converted by James into a series of books first released by a small Australian outfit called The Writer’s Coffee Shop Publishing House. They gained traction by word of mouth and were republished in April by Vintage Books. In less than two months the story of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey—virginal student meets troubled older billionaire, who turns her into his sex slave and rocks her world through a dizzying array of scenarios—has already sold over 10 million copies in the U.S. alone, split evenly between digital and print, according to Vintage spokesperson Paul Bogaards. In late March, Universal Pictures secured the film rights for an estimated $5 million, according to the Hollywood Reporter.
Aside from making millions for Random House, Vintage’s parent company, and James, the books have provided a tremendous boost to the adult entertainment industry, as readers attempt to replicate the characters’ intricate bedroom scenes. Sherri Shaulis, senior editor of pleasure products at the adult industry news network AVN, sees the book’s success as a transformational opportunity for the sector, specifically the BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism) market. “There’s a lot of people who never considered buying handcuffs or a riding crop, and now they all want to do their little version of Red Rooms of Pain,” says Saulis, referring to what Mr. Grey calls his apartment dungeon.
While the sex toy industry has seen individual products spike in the past—Vibratex sold millions of its Rabbit Pearl vibrators after it appeared on Sex and the City—the difference with Fifty Shades is that it specifically references an entire category of products. That’s a boon for companies like Sportsheets International, a California-based manufacturer and distributor of entry-level bondage gear, with more than 500 products well suited for the book’s adventurous fans. “It really hit our industry in the past four to six weeks,” says Julie Stewart, Sportsheets’ vice president and co-owner, who claims the company does $10 million in sales annually and will see growth this year of 20 percent to 30 percent, double the average. Much of that growth is expected to come from the company’s Sex & Mischief bondage line, which Sportsheets plans to pair with a copy of the book as part of a promotion.
Retailers have been quick to jump on the Fifty Shades bandwagon, sensing a rare opportunity to attract mainstream customers. Babeland, a sex toy retailer based in Seattle, has launched a mini-site “inspired by” Fifty Shades of Grey that suggests dozens of items, from a scented massage candle to a set of vibrating nipple clamps. Claire Cavanah, Babeland’s co-founder, says the books have breathed life into the moribund BDSM category, noting that sales of bondage gear jumped 375 percent in April.
“Now we have an event called Fifty Shades of Hot Sex,” Cavanah says, offering practical demonstrations on spanking and bondage. “About 150 people have responded in the SoHo store [in Manhattan], maxing out capacity. We had to add another section to take overflow.”...
It's that time of the year again, when thousands upon thousands from the LGBT and leather/BDSM communities come together for International Mister Leather, a long weekend convention in Chicago that's part tradeshow, part beauty pageant and mostly party. This will be the 34th annual if you can believe it, and the massive event returns to entirely take over Chicago's largest hotel, the 2,020-room Hyatt Regency (which is also the largest Hyatt in the world).
Typically the event is all fun (and it's the fifth most profitable convention that happens in Chicago) and a Chicago contact reveals that two weddings will be held at this year's shindig. Ah, but there's a dark side as IML falls into the midst of a heated debate between the Hyatt hotel and its union staff who've repeatedly protested, including this big walkout.
According to Buzzfeed's Shift blog, the union is really putting the heat on International Mister Leather to move venues. Alas, IML has a contract they can't afford to break and IML will continue like normal.
Still, as someone who's dropped in on the conference both of the last two years, we know that not only does the IML book up the whole place, but the visitors from around the world even spill over to other hotels. And, during the conference, the hotel operates with a skeleton crew since its daily services are limited with a huge variety of guests. There's simply no other option for IML, short of relocating to another city. But would Chicago let that happen? No way, José.