Polyamory has been gaining publicity over the last few years, fromNewsweek’s“Polyamory: The Next Sexual Revolution?” to Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer’s open marriage, to Benedict Smith’s article inVICEabout growing up in a polyamorous household. The recent Supreme Court decision to legalize same-sex marriage opened floodgates of alarmed and snarky speculation from detractors about whether it sets a precedent for the legalization of polyamorous marriages, and the Internet has largely responded in the affirmative. And there is a growing community of polyamorous people in the Pacific Northwest—including here in Corvallis—many of whom want legal recognition of their relationships and are considering what legal polyamorous marriage might look like.
One local man, Mike, is currently in a relationship with two long-term partners and one new partner. He said, “The subject of marriage often comes up when thinking about legal issues. Emotionally, I consider both of my long-term partners wives but legally I am only allowed to marry one of them. This has caused some emotional distress.”
It’s true legalizing polyamorous marriages would be very complicated. Would a person married to multiple partners have multiple marriage licenses? Bigamy is currently illegal everywhere in the US, but even if it weren’t, how would those different marriage licenses acknowledge each other in order to avoid disputes of property distribution and decision-making? Or would three or more people need to be married under one marriage license, even if they are not all romantically involved with each other, such as in a polygamist* relationship?
Currently polyamorous people have a few legal options open to them: distribution of property can be assigned through wills and trusts; more than one person can be given power of attorney for medical decisions. But only one, legally married spouse can participate in the other spouse’s insurance coverage, and insurance companies would almost certainly oppose expanding coverage to an indefinite number of partners.
Additionally, custody arrangements might be complicated if children are involved, and polyamorous parents are disadvantaged in a number of ways. One woman I spoke to, Julia, said she had difficulty compromising with her ex-husband on how to introduce new partners to their children. Smith, in his article, writes about the time a disapproving neighbour called CPS on his parents. Polyamory itself is not a reason to remove children from their home, but it has caused parents to lose custody of children during divorce and post-divorce proceedings. As practitioners of an alternative sexual expression, polyamorous people face suspicion and discrimination, and children of polyamorous people face bullying.
Though he has not faced overt discrimination due to his polyamory except from some family members, Mike asked for anonymity because he works in the area. Julia’s ex-husband outed her without permission to her family, and she has found, “all in all, my family’s reaction has been the most difficult part of being polyamorous.” She is lucky, however, that she is able to be open about polyamory at her work.
In Portland there are several groups dedicated to polyamory that meet regularly, and fairly openly, each boasting hundreds of members. The Corvallis community is much smaller, and many of those I spoke with did not want to be named.
Perhaps a first step for polyamory activism would be to fight for anti-discrimination laws. Besides facing alienation from some resources monogamous people have access to (it can be very hard, for instance, to find a relationship counsellor who is willing to counsel a poly couple), poly people face discrimination because polyamory is not a protected class. There is disagreement, even among polyamorous people, about whether polyamory is a lifestyle choice or a more fundamental identification. ...
Tyler Frahme, a University at Albany junior, had never even heard of affirmative consent, the unequivocal O.K. to sex that is mandated by state law. Nor was he in the habit of asking women for permission to proceed at every new juncture of sexual activity.
He and his friend Jill Santiago, a fellow junior and psychology major, were catching up in the Campus Center near the close of the school year when I approached their table to ask about the state’s new definition — put in place last winter to guide, govern and presumably protect nearly half a million students across 64 public campuses of the State University of New York, and followed in July by a law that applies to all college students in the state.
New York’s new legislation of what constitutes consent covers a lot of ground in sobering terms:
“Affirmative consent is a knowing, voluntary and mutual decision among all participants to engage in sexual activity.”
“Consent to any sexual act or prior consensual sexual activity between or with any party does not necessarily constitute consent to any other sexual act.”
Mr. Frahme turned defensive, even a little combative, after I introduced him to the legislation.
“Do you think this is a gender-neutral policy?” he demanded. “All these policies cast men in a predatory light. Most guys aren’t like that.”
I asked a test question: Can a really drunk person give consent?
“My answer to that is no,” he said. He was right.
“Consent cannot be given when a person is incapacitated.”
Mr. Frahme posed a (not-so-hypothetical) scenario of his own: “You both get drunk and it gets heated and you get into it. If the next day she regrets it and formally complains, to me that’s just plain wrong.” The initiator, in fact, is responsible for securing consent, but because the other party is intoxicated, it may not be obtainable.
Ms. Santiago, who knew all about the issue, having helped put together university-mandated training in sexual assault prevention for her sorority, jumped out of the interpretive rabbit hole, locked eyes with Mr. Frahme and said: “If guys realize they have to ask and get permission — and I’ve been asked before, it’s not that bad — this could wind up protecting everyone.”
It wasn’t such a mood kill, she said, when a partner paused and asked: “Do you want to do this. Is it O.K.?”
But Mr. Frahme wasn’t buying it — at least not yet.
Colleges and universities have been scurrying to amend codes of conduct and refine definitions of consent. One reason for the rush is that the Obama administration, which last year launched the “It’s on Us” campaign in an attempt to make campuses safer from sexual violence, has threatened to withhold federal funding from institutions that fail to address problems.
This past year saw a blossoming in the “yes means yes” movement, an about-face on “no means no,” which suggests that sex can advance until you hear that “no.”
“Silence or lack of resistance, in and of itself, does not demonstrate consent.” ...
It's true. I never thought I'd be working in the most famous bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism (BDSM) dungeon in New York City. Not to mention that I'd start at the ripe age of 55. If you had told me 10 years ago that I would kick a man straight in the balls wearing six-inch heels, blood-red lipstick, black eye shadow, and false eyelashes, I would have kicked you out of my house.
I was a holistic practitioner who lost my award-winning wellness practice in the wake of the Great Recession. I was 55, with no prospects, no financial savings, no family members who would help, and friends seemed to vanish into thin air. I found myself on my own with no hope in sight. But between the thoughts of despair, worthlessness, and even suicide, I had this little voice inside of me that kept saying, "I am resourceful."
Then one day, out of nowhere, came the idea of becoming a professional dominatrix.
At the time of my emotional and financial bankruptcy I was working to earn my PhD in Metaphysical Science, studying female sexual empowerment and researching the transmutation of sexual energy. As a student of empowerment and sexuality, I wanted so badly to "walk the walk" and apply these principles I had studied and believed to my own life. But no matter how hard I tried to talk myself into such a possibility, there was nothing in my reality telling me that it was possible.
Who would hire a 55-year-old woman with no experience whatsoever as a dominatrix?
I alternated between excited hope and logical despair. I was also struggling with many negative social influences that told me how wrong I would be to make such a decision. At the same time, I felt that I needed to be true to myself and that the experience could empower me as a woman. I somehow understood that this would set me free from my own judgmental perceptions (formed through social standards) of how a woman should behave and follow the "rules." I also hoped it might get me back on my feet financially.
Then, after weeks of persuasion, I finally convinced a New York City BDSM dungeon to grant me an in-person interview. I started my dominatrix training three days later, and just like that, the scariest thing I ever did led me into the most empowering experience of my life.
The dungeon was an extreme learning environment, to be sure, but during my time there I learned to truly accept other people with an open mind and an open heart. By practicing BDSM, I've come to understand that people are different and have very different desires, sexualities, hopes, dreams, loves, purposes, ambitions, and styles. And all of it is good. In the very beginning, I had to ask myself: If something or someone brings us genuine joy, happiness, pleasure, and love, how can that be wrong? ...
A gay resident who hosts adult role-play scenarios in his home says the town has banned him from a business activity he denies conducting, and he believes the town is discriminating against him on the basis of his sexual orientation.
A judge approved a temporary restraining order sought by the Town of Apple Valley in May, then issued a preliminary injunction in June. Town officials say in court documents that Mark Gudmundsen is conducting business without a license and the business, a "bondage fantasy," is a public nuisance.
Town Attorney John Brown told the Daily Press that the Code Enforcement action against the role-play was "based on the character of the activity, not the person conducting the activity."
Gudmundsen says the occasional, nonsexual role-play involves a small group of friends and features "incarceration" and the use of restraints in a jail or mental institution setting. He said the activity is for fun, but a post his website, www.meninchains.com, seemed to suggest that $450 is required for participation. Gudmundsen says that is a suggested donation amount to help defray costs of transportation, meals and equipment used inside his residence on Dakota Road.
"Where's the nuisance?" Gudmundsen said in an interview with the Daily Press.
The Code Enforcement case was triggered by reports from "one or more people in the neighborhood who believed there were incarcerated prisoners in orange jumpsuits (who) appeared to be working on a project in a residential area," Brown said.
Gudmundsen said he joined a friend at the home's filled-in pool to briefly portray inmates at work.
Three attorneys, led by Ann Lakhman of Lakhman & Kasamatsu LLP, say the action is "exclusionary" and abridges their client's Constitutional rights to free speech and association. They also say Apple Valley failed to follow its own procedures by acting on an anonymous tip and by not issuing a warning to Gudmundsen before going to court.
Gudmundsen said he believes the action is discriminatory, coming after he he revealed his sexual orientation when he was asked to explain the purpose of an addition to his home with extra bathroom stalls. Brown dismissed the notion that the action had anything to do with Gudmundsen's sexuality.
An offer was made to settle the matter, according to Gudmundsen: Agree to a permanent injunction and pay town attorney costs.
"I'm willing to say I'm not going to run a business here but I'm not willing to pay $20,000 to not run a business," he said, specifying the alleged settlement amount. ...
Coming into Kyle Patrick Alvarez’s The Stanford Prison Experiment with only a vague knowledge of the real-life psychological study on which the film is strictly based(with most of the dialogue taken directly from transcripts), I was struck with an immediate question about a current-day discourse. Since the experiment — which saw college students “enacting” prisoner and guard roles and embodying the predetermined power dynamics with frightening aplomb — took place in 1971, how does the increasing visibility and normalization of BDSM culture in recent years impact the discussion surrounding the study? Indeed, it won’t take long, even for the least creative of Googlers, to see that there’s already been an… interesting confluence of the two (which, for your benefit, I won’t hyperlink to). You’ll also find one perfectly non-pornographic article making the same connection.
The film, as a relatively faithful representation of the experiment (with particular scenes selected and structured for the sake of good filmmaking), ultimately provides much fuel for this question, as it’s released over 40 years after the experiment, when the first thing the phrase “playing prisoner” brings to mind is “sex dungeon.” These connotations are especially resonant with the recent mainstreaming of (heavily diluted) BDSM in Fifty Shades of Grey. The interplay of the experiment and BDSM gives way to a more general question about the curious magnetism of polarized power.
The Stanford prison experiment saw psychologist Dr. Philip Zimbardo set up — and then fill — a simulated prison in the basement offices of the Stanford Psychology Department. He selected 24 students to participate in the study, and after questioning them extensively on whether they’d prefer to be a guard or a prisoner, flipped a coin to determine which role to assign them. Ultimately, neither their preferences nor their nature — as perceived by themselves or by the people running the experiment — had any bearing in the role they’d play. (One obvious but noteworthy difference between this and BDSM is that people who engage in sexual role-play typically choose their sometimes-fluid roles based on proclivity.)
The “guards” were dressed appropriately and given wooden batons, while the “prisoners” were draped in feminizing (interestingly, everyone in the experiment was male) smocks with identification numbers on them. The “guards” were instructed not to physically harm any of the “prisoners” whatsoever, and supposedly signed a contract that contained that regulation — but Zimbardo, the only person who had any say in what constituted crossing a line, became just as embroiled in the pyramidal system he’d set up as his subjects. (Zimbardo self-described as the prison “superintendent,” while his research assistant was the “warden.”)
Soon, at least in their minds, “guards” became guards and “prisoners” became prisoners: means of psychological torture were devised, with guards deriving pleasure from preventing prisoners from sleeping, making them defecate in buckets, locking them in solitary confinement, and sexually humiliating them. One of the most unbearable scenes in the film isn’t one that involves shouting or conflict — it’s one that’s set so deep into the pacification of inmates that it finds the guards calmly forcing them to enact the motions of anal sex with one another.
A shocking notion about the experiment is the idea that any of them could have quit (and lost their pay of $15 a day — the equivalent of $88 today) at any time. Even those who ultimately left the experiment due to trauma did so through a system of imaginary parole — indicating that they’d so thoroughly inhabited their temporary identities that the only way they could conceive of breaking them was within the same vocabulary. As per Zimbardo’s website:
When we ended the hearings by telling prisoners to go back to their cells while we considered their requests, every prisoner obeyed, even though they could have obtained the same result by simply quitting the experiment. Why did they obey? Because they felt powerless to resist. Their sense of reality had shifted, and they no longer perceived their imprisonment as an experiment. In the psychological prison we had created, only the correctional staff had the power to grant paroles.
Much as a safe word indicates, within sexual power play, that a line has been crossed and the activity needs to stop, the prisoners were given a similar option. Thus, apart from, perhaps, duration (but even that’s questionable, as even the most vanilla of BDSM tales, Fifty Shades, reveals scenarios where the roles of master and slave are sustained not just during coitus) and the aforementioned method of selection, it’s initially hard to find much difference at all between the pretend dynamics of S&M and those of the experiment — even down to the way each prisoner was “arrested” at their own home and charged with armed robbery, as though in some form of verbal foreplay. ...
For the first time ever, "Love a la Carte," a "do-it-yourself" (DIY) motion picture, extends the cinematic experience for its audience with the creation of a real world mobile application and online polyamory dating website. Leading the way for micro-budget indy filmmakers in breaking new ground to entertain audiences is Emmy award winning writer-producer-director and Love a la Carte, LLC CEO, Tim McSpadden. "The movie 'Love a la Carte' is an honest comedy about cheating monogamists keeping their marriage together, for better or worse, with an online polyamory dating website," says McSpadden. "Conceiving a real-life website and mobile app of the same name that is mercilessly satirized in the movie was the next step for the 'Love a la Carte' brand."
The cheating lifestyle continually spawns schadenfreude headlines and heated debates. Philandering politicians and celebrities propagate the mobile hook-up culture, heroic athletes allegedly deflate footballs to win games and salacious online dating websites generate millions of dollars promoting adultery. Exposing via cinema the nuanced justifications some monogamists make for sampling unauthorized polyamory is fertile ground for a comedy-fantasy. "There are 3 versions to every story you hear about why someone cheats: Their version, your version and the truth," McSpadden says. "Our 'Love a la Carte' movie shows you how the internet has impacted having affairs and why this lifestyle might be affecting your own relationship right now. Our dating website is where you can experience firsthand what was lampooned in the movie. Our mobile app is how you can stay connected with this brand of entertainment - all for free."
Audiences can watch the DIY movie "Love a la Carte" for free for 30-days on Amazon Prime Instant Video or with their subscription to the service. The movie is also available on iTunes/Apple TV and Google Play which is also where the "Love a la Carte" mobile applications can be found and freely downloaded. To find "love now" and contact other "Love a la Carte" lovers in their area, people can sign up for free on LovealaCarte.com. The website is also a landing point to find other links connected with the movie, such as watching the film along with the cast and for other news worthy articles connected to the "Love a la Carte" experience.
Sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee called the movie "Entertaining & Refreshing." Mandy Payne, a Top 10 ranked Amazon Hall-of-Fame reviewer (out of more than 26 million reviewers) gave "Love a la Carte" 5-stars on Amazon Prime Instant Video and said its "a gritty story about the realities of marriage and midlife, all the while never losing a steady undercurrent of dry humor." Winner of the "Most Original Screenplay" award at the 2014 Universal Film Festival, "Love a la Carte" also played at the Cannes Film Festival market & American Film Market the same year. The soundtrack for "Love a la Carte" was engineered by 2014 Grammy nominee Russ Marsden of Big U Music in Phoenix, Arizona. It features 17 songs from recording artists across the globe such as VH-1's jump start ASCAP songstress Janice Kirkwood and the Phoenix New Times weekly "Best Up & Comer of the Year," Youceff Kabal. Also taking a turn as an actor in the movie is Raj Suri, who produced Doritos' 2014 million dollar winning Super Bowl commercial. ...
Until late last Thursday, Armstrong State University's sexual misconduct policy stated that students with disabilities couldn't consent to sexual activity, making any such activity rape.
The policy had been in effect since Sep. 8, 2014, but on Thursday — following questions from the Washington Examiner — the university updated its policy, calling the original wording an error.
Original policy: "In addition, persons under the age of 16 and persons who have a physical and/or mental impairment are unable to give consent."
Updated policy: "In addition, persons under the age of 16 and persons who have a physical or mental impairment and are unable to communicate are unable to give consent." (Changes in bold.)
Deidra Dennie, Armstrong's Title IX coordinator, told the Examiner last Thursday that the original policy had been corrected but had not been uploaded to the website at the time. "I apologize that our website was not kept up to date with the actual policy in circulation," she said.
Allison Hersh, Armstrong's director of marketing and communications, told the Examiner that it was never the university's "intent" to suggest that students with physical disabilities could never consent to sex.
"Our intent was to protect individuals with physical impairments that could prevent them from consenting or denying consent," Hersh told the Examiner. "The intent was not to imply that all physically disabled people are incapable of providing consent." ...