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"10 Shades of Stupid: Cosmo's Worst BDSM Tips"

on Monday, 14 July 2014. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

Jezebel

I knew this was coming when the cashier in Barnes and Nobles saw me looking at Fifty Shades of Grey and stage-whispered: "I bought that for my mom, and now I'm just terrified that I'm going to go home and find my dad. In a cage. Bleeding or dead." BDSM is like soccer and socialized medicine; fascinating, but hard for a lot of Americans to understand. Cosmo's trying to help with their August issue, which features a twist on their usual bouquet of sex tips: this time, all their tips are inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey.

Now, say what you will about Grey, but it is about BDSM. It cannot (and must not!) be forgiven for introducing millions of Americans to lines like "My inner goddess is doing the merengue, with some salsa moves," but there's some pretty kinky shit in there. And it's nice to see a national women's magazine with a feature purportedly dedicated to BDSM. But I've got to tell you: Cosmo's BDSM tips make Fifty Shades of Grey look like The Story of O.

1. "Graze your teeth over his index finger (it is the fleshiest and can handle the pressure) while he's taking you from behind."

"It is the fleshiest and can handle the pressure" sounds like something screamed at me from the top of a dry well in a Midwestern basement.

2. "During sex, stick your finger in his mouth and order him to suck it."

How very dominant. Here's another: "Lie limply on your back and order him to have gentle sex with you while staring into your eyes." ...

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