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"Sex, love and dating: the Brown alternatives"

on Sunday, 16 February 2014. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

Despite taboos, some students delve into kink, group sex, polyamory or open relationships

The Brown Daily Herald

By Emily Wooldridge

Lynne could not decide what color to wear to the stoplight party. An open relationship doesn’t come in colors red, yellow or green.

“Do I wear green because I can hook up with people or yellow because maybe I can’t?” she asked herself. Lynne is a female undergraduate whose name, like those of several other students interviewed for this story, has been changed to maintain confidentiality.

For the multitudes of alternative relationships and sexual practices on campus — including group sex, kink, open relationships and polyamory — there is no cruise control. These practices can be difficult to navigate or understand, because every experience is different.

“There is no such thing as normal sex,” said Anica Green ’17.

Instead of worrying about what color to wear, “why don’t you ask him?” Lynne’s friend suggested.

 

Great sexpectations

“Gossip Girl” warns, “Inside every threesome there is a twosome and a onesome,” but what about a fivesome?

In a dorm room, there are 10 condoms on the floor. When first-years walk by, they ask, “Is this the room where the orgy happened?”

For Dominic, a male undergraduate, that threesome was “the climax of a term where everyone is having meaningless sex,” he said.

For others, group sex is “the best thing that has happened in their lives,” said Andrew, a male undergraduate, or “their two favorite things at once — boobs and penis,” said Emma, a female undergraduate.

Dominic said the threesome was more relaxed than having sex one-on-one. When the responsibility of pleasure is shared by multiple people, there is not as much individual pressure to perform, he said.

For Emma, the threesome turned into a text message that made its way around campus. By daylight, everyone knew.

Andrew’s date and his friend’s date hit it off at the formal, he said. After the party, the pair of couples took a cab back to Andrew’s room — jazz, flameless candles and an L-shaped futon next to the bed.

“Sometimes you couldn’t tell whose lips were whose,” he said. “We didn’t know how much we could get away with.”

“There was no penetration involved,” Andrew added.

“During one-on-one sex there is clear intention,” Andrew said. During the foursome, “there was neither intention nor destination — you could be more present.”

When Oliver, a male undergraduate, opened a door at a party, he found three girls making out. One of them was his girlfriend.

Oliver and his male friend, whose girlfriend was also participating in the makeout session, decided to join.

While the friend performed cunnilingus on Oliver’s girlfriend, “it was difficult to wrap my head around it,” he said. But having the fivesome did not ruin the chemistry between Oliver and his girlfriend.

“It made our relationship more official, because we were part of (the fivesome) together,” he said. “We can laugh about it.”

 

Kinks and high jinks

In 2012, Harvard recognized Harvard College Munch as an official student organization.

Members of the group gather weekly in dining halls to discuss kink, consent and safe practices over lunch. There are around 70 students on the group’s mailing list and around 25 regular attendees.

“There are no trolls in our dungeon,” said group president Cleo, whose name has been changed for confidentiality. For the most part, the “liberal utopia” of Harvard Square offers students interested in kink “a positive and respectful environment,” she said.

Columbia’s Conversio Virium, which means “exchange of forces” in Latin, was the first kink organization for students recognized by a university. College Hill Kink — a subgroup of Queer Alliance comprised of Brown and Rhode Island School of Design undergraduates — also offers a safe space for students interested in kink. Other colleges in New England and across the country — including Tufts University, Iowa State University and Reed College — have similar organizations.

The New England Leather Alliance  was established in 1991 under a different name, according to the organization’s website. This nonprofit organization strives to raise awareness and create a safe space for those interested in leather, fetish and BDSM, which Cleo defined generally as “bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism.” ...

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