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"The Polyamorous Woman Color-Coding Her Lovers"

on Tuesday, 16 April 2013. Posted in Front Page Headline, Media Updates

New York Magazine

Once a week, Daily Intelligencer takes a peek behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Polyamorous Woman Color Coding Her Lovers: Female, 33, work at a charity, London, in an open relationship, heterosexual.

DAY ONE

10 a.m. I update my Google calendar while I'm in the office, in between discussing fund-raising proposals for the mental health charity I work for. Now that I'm seeing three people, it's gotten more complicated. The calendar is color-coded for each person so I know at a glance when I'm free and whether I'm "over-doing" anyone. Biker Guy is blue. The One, Possibly is red. Weekly Fun is orange. Administration is the one part of my job I've always hated, but I've really improved since I started dating.

1 p.m. I meet Weekly Fun for my afternoon off. He's having a hard time with his current girlfriend, who has just broken up with her girlfriend. Her self-esteem has been knocked and he's trying to spend as much time with her as possible — hence the lunch date. I can't go without sex, even though I'm starting to feel like his counselor. We go to his house, which is down the road from mine, and start making out. I give him a blow job in his living room, with his large, possessive orange cat staring at me steadily from the floor. He pulls out before he comes in my mouth and the come falls onto the rug. We end up scooping it out with tissue.

6 p.m. I try to do a couple of more hours of work when I get back home, but my concentration is whacked. As usual, I end up going through OkCupid, to check my messages at first, and then just to see if there's anyone new. I don't understand the negativity around online dating. It seems to have more stigma than being polyamorous. I knew something was up when I saw lots of guys were labeling their profiles with "available" instead of "single." I'd found The One, Possibly that way. He seemed so upfront — like me, out of a difficult, unadventurous relationship, looking for something open-ended that just acknowledges it's human nature to get bored easily. I didn't expect to fall in love with him.

6:20 p.m. There's a new message from Tech Geek, with whom I've been pinging messages back and forth. Weirdly, I haven't got bored of the correspondence even though we've been in touch for a few weeks and canceled a couple of meetings.

8 p.m. It's my scheduled night off. It's been less packed than usual this week because Biker Guy is away on holiday with his girlfriend. I'm reading a book, listening to the podcast "Pedestrian Polyamory." I hate being one of those people who go on about poly — to me "poly" just a way of owning it before anyone else can say it's strange or wrong or pervy. Okay, it's definitely pervy, but in a good way.

11 p.m. I need this time off so much. But the OkCupid app pings again. I hold off looking for a few hours, but inevitably my eyes start wandering. ...

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