Refinery29
by SAMIA MOUNTS
Here’s how it normally goes down. I meet a guy who has something special in his face, a soulfulness that resonates with me. There’s this firecracker moment when our eyes connect for the first time and bing — we want each other.
It’s more than physical attraction; it’s spiritual, it’s deep, it’s something really real. We go out a few times, we have intense, intimate conversations into the wee hours of the night, and the kind of sex where you start seeing God. Everything’s going swimmingly for a few weeks or months, and then suddenly, he’s gone. Not completely gone, I’ll hear back from him if I contact him first and maybe even see him once in awhile, but he’s no longer making an effort. It’s inexplicable to me, because things were going so well. We were falling in love, and it was glorious. Why would anyone walk away from that?
I’m an attractive girl. I’m smart, funny, cool, self-sufficient. When I find guys who I’m only into for the sex, and vice versa, I can keep them enthusiastically coming back to me for years. The problem happens when I meet someone with whom I clearly feel the beginnings of a love connection. These guys, these real connections, are the ones I am most interested in developing long-term romantic affairs with — and they are also the ones who are the most freaked out by my assertion that I have no desire to be monogamous with them.
I don’t do monogamy. I’ve done it before, didn’t like it, never wanna do it again. And at this particular moment in my life, I’m not super stoked about relationships in general, since I’ve just come off of seven years of back-to-back relationships. I desperately need to be single for a while, so I can focus on all the things I want to do for a change.
But while I might be off relationships, I’m not off sex, and I’m certainly not off love. I want both of those things with cool, respectful, hot people who don’t need or want a commitment from me. You would think this would make me every man’s wildest dream — except it really doesn’t.
You see, as a practitioner of solo polyamory, a form of polyamory that means you have multiple romantic or sexual relationships, but no committed primary partner — I come with a certain level of upfront honesty. When I meet a new guy, I lead with this information, just to make sure they understand that, ‘Yo, I ain’t ever gonna belong to you, dude. Be cool with that and we can hang! ‘ But what I’m finding over and over is that even the most commitment-phobic guys don’t like it when you close the door to a possible future commitment.
Why does this happen? Is it that shitty double standard that says men can sleep around and be praised for it, but women are met with slut-shaming and disrespect? Or is it because most people are inherently possessive of their lovers on a primal level? Or is it just basic fear and insecurity that makes men run from wild women? I’m thinking it’s probably a combination of these factors and more. Either way, it’s a pain in the ass. All I want is to have fun, respectful, passionate, loving relationships without monogamy or commitment, and I can’t seem to catch a break. …