Marie Claire UK
by Rebecca Reid
Ever wonder what goes on between other people’s sheets?
Pillow talk is a weekly series which explores what goes on behind closed doors and what other people are getting up to between the sheets… This week we meet Julia*, 39 who lives with her long term boyfriend Jamie*, 41, in West London. They’ve been together for five years. They met through mutual friends in 2010 and have been living together soon after. You can read part one and two here.
My husband and I have been together about five years and we’ve been married for over two of those. Prior to us being in our relationship, I’d come out of a celibate marriage and he’d been single for a while. We knew each other through mutual friends before we got together but we became close really quickly and we moved in together after about six months.
During the first couple of months we’d have long conversations about what we wanted, late into the night and from this discovered a joint curiosity of BDSM. Neither of us had experienced it previously but it was important, particularly for me, to explore a side of my sexuality that I’d never had the chance to previously. I also have chronic fatigue syndrome and this affects all aspects of my life, from how well I function physically, to my mental health and libido. My husband never knew me before I became ill over a decade ago, and has always been supportive and ensured I don’t overstretch myself.
Due to my health we don’t have the heteronormative ‘PIV’ (penis in vagina) definition of sex as often as we’d like, but that’s not the be-all and end-all of sex. Mutual masturbation, sexting, kinky play and other activities all contribute to our sex life and it’s great. Since being with my husband, I’ve come to realise that a lot of what we see and read about sex can lead to disappointment – everything tells us that orgasm is the end point of sex and that’s not always achievable for me. At first it felt almost like failure, but now I enjoy the intimacy just as much and orgasm isn’t so big a priority.
Our sex life does fluctuate, like anyone else’s. For us, it’s mainly due to my health – what we can do one day may be out of the question the next. My body can feel hypersensitive at times and this can develop at any moment. Also, my stamina isn’t great after a decade of not being able to do much physically and on a bad day, I’m unable to walk far or climb the stairs in one go. We communicate really well and my husband knows that if we’re in the middle of something and I say ‘no’, not to take it personally. It’s frustrating for us both, but we know to switch what we’re doing to something else that works for either him or us both (if I’m able).
I’m more submissive in the bedroom, so wait for my husband to initiate sex or a kinky play session. That said, if I’m in the mood, I will subtly let him know what I want!
When we first got together we were used to very ‘vanilla’ sex but over time we’ve found that we get off on kinky sex a lot more. From him holding me down or using restraints to spanking or being rougher with me, it works for us both. We always joke that even our romantic sex probably wouldn’t look very romantic from an outsider’s perspective! We definitely spend a lot of time talking about what works for each of us and it’s brought us very close together. …