In Portland, Oregon – one of America’s most sexually tolerant cities – it seems you can’t throw a stone without finding a consensual non-monogamous relationship
The Guardian
by Melanie Sevcenko
hen Franklin Veaux was 10 years old, his elementary school English teacher read his class a story about a princess being wooed by two princes. “I thought, princesses live in castles, and castles are big enough for all three of them, so why does she have to choose one?” he said.
Throughout his life, Franklin – now 50 and living in Portland, Oregon – has never chosen one. In fact, he’s never had a monogamous relationship in his life, even while he was married for 18 years. “Monogamy has never connected with me, it’s never made sense to me,” said Franklin, who took two dates to his high school prom and lost his virginity in a threesome.
Yet it wasn’t until the 1990s that he found the language to describe his lifestyle. Until then, he just considered himself “open”.
Polyamory is the practice of intimate relationships involving more than two people with the consent of everyone involved. In recent years, polyamory is working its way to becoming a household term. Researchers have estimated that 4 to 5% of Americans practice some form of consensual non-monogamy. A 2014 blog post by Psychology Today revealed that 9.8 million people have agreed to allow satellite lovers in their relationships, which includes poly couples, swinging couples and others practicing sexual non-monogamy.
And in Portland – home to swingers’ clubs, the most strip bars per capita, and annual porn festivals – it seems you can’t throw a stone without finding a poly relationship. Although there’s no official data supporting an exact number, various Meetup groups boast a few thousand members each, while other Facebook groups have hundreds.
“Portland is an amazing place if you’re poly, oh my god,” laughed Franklin, who is rarely seen without his bunny ears. (Given to him by a lover, he refers to the ears as “sexually transmitted”, meaning his other girlfriends now wear them too.) “It’s actually one of the most poly friendly cities I’ve been to,” he said, listing Boston, Tampa, San Francisco and Vancouver, British Columbia, as other poly hotspots. As for its social acceptability, Franklin said, “a lot of it is just exposure. It was almost impossible before the advent of the internet to find other people that were polyamorous.”
Polyamory in the public eye
That exposure has only risen recently. Showtime’s reality TV series, Polyamory: Married and Dating, has certainly helped herald the lifestyle into homes across the US. But this spring another show, hailed as television’s first polyromantic comedy, also launched. You Me Her follows married couple Jack and Emma – attractive, suburban and professional – as they enter into a polyamorous relationship with grad student Izzy. Unsurprisingly, the show is set in Portland.
“I kid that I have a Portland fetish,” said You Me Her writer and creator, John Scott Shepherd. “I just dig the city for its vibe, including the social tolerance thing, like being named the gay friendliest major city in the country.” But Shepherd said he wasn’t fully aware of Portland’s poly reputation when he chose the city for the show.
Since airing You Me Her, he’s been contacted by a number of members of the poly community. “They appreciated the creative decision to go with so-called ‘normal’ people who never thought they’d do something like this,” said Shepherd, whose show has been renewed for a second and third season. “That creative conceit seemed to reflect their experience: they don’t see themselves as ‘sex people’.”
Julie Jeske is a Portland-based counselor who works with couples identifying as poly. “Because Portland is more progressive in general, it may be easier for someone who is exploring what others may consider an alternative lifestyle,” she said. “There is more information and more support, less stigma.” …