Rumpus
BY MITSU
From 2002 to 2008, I worked as a professional dominatrix at three commercial dungeons in New York City. I was still a teenager when I started. A few of the things I learned—and also a few of the things I had to un-learn—as a dominatrix, have proved valuable in other jobs, and in other parts of my life. They say you can take the girl out of the dungeon, but you can’t take the dungeon out of the girl. The following are some lessons I’m glad I took with me.
***
There’s no such thing as:
1. Intimacy without vulnerability
Every once in a while, a client would come for a first session with his heart set on having the amazing kinky experience he’d always dreamed of, but would end up disappointed because of something I had no control over: the walls wouldn’t budge. He had a very specific fantasy, but he wouldn’t be able to communicate specifically what it was. He couldn’t let go of the initial discomfort and let the scene happen, let alone allow me a good enough glimpse of his inner world to take control of it for an hour. Verbalizing his truth—how he really felt, what he really wanted—put him at risk of rejection, or perhaps worse, being laughed at. For some people, that risk is too frightening.
This kind of interaction happens all the time, in any relationship. I’m occasionally guilty of expecting people in my life to be able to read my mind. If they could just do that, I’d have the ultimate fix: the intimacy I crave without risk of being misunderstood or rejected. Unfortunately, I haven’t met anyone who can do that. To let people in, I have to let down my guard. Otherwise I’m still alone.
2. An accurate definition of sex
Presumably, this is why commercial dungeons can operate legally in New York City—it’s also why they routinely get raided and shut down by law enforcement. It’s a never-ending effort on both sides to figure out if what pro doms are providing can be defined as prostitution.
To get a good laugh, all you need to do is ask a New York lawyer what legally constitutes sexual conduct. NYC criminal defense attorneys Crotty Saland PC say, “As applied to offenses relating to Prostitution, courts seem to agree that ‘oral sexual conduct,’ ‘anal sexual conduct,’ ‘masturbation’ and ‘sexual intercourse’ fall within this definition… While the analysis of these scenarios is fact specific, each case is different and requires the analysis of a skilled criminal defense attorney.”
The lines one can draw around sex are only valid for the individual drawing them, and may change as that individual’s sexuality develops and evolves. This point is especially apparent when it comes to unusual fetishes. I had clients who were completely sexually satisfied by things most people wouldn’t regard as sexual at all. For some, having a tooth pulled, mopping the floor, or watching a girl wiggle her toes while she’s wearing jeans over tights are highly erotic activities.
Sex lies in the eyes (or mouth, or feet, or what have you) of the beholder.
3. A typical submissive man
I’m often nudged to confirm the stereotype of the dungeon client as a high-powered executive, a controlling breadwinner who comes to a dominatrix because it is his only release from the stress of his daily alpha role. I’m sure that does exist. Successful businessmen do make up a good portion of dungeon clientele, but that’s probably a result of the price of entry. However, I never had a typical client demographic that otherwise differed much from that of the greater New York City male population (I rarely had female clients, which is another can of worms).
I saw guys from a huge variety of economic backgrounds, nationalities, and ethnicities, with all sorts of career paths, social group affiliations, political leanings, and religions. I had older (okay, mostly older—and some way older) clients, and clients who looked like they’d saved up their allowances to see me (we did card those). Some were douchebags; some were sweethearts. Some were shy—and others chatted up every person they encountered on the way in, talked through the entire session to me as well as on their phones, and asked to be paraded down the streets of Manhattan in pink tutus. Some were virgins; some were married with children. Some were out, and some were paranoid about being identified to the point of wearing sunglasses through their sessions—well, one guy did that.
The men I saw walk through the dungeon doors represented all walks of life. Their only common denominator was the dungeon, of all things.
4. A woman who isn’t someone’s wildest fantasy
I had the odd pleasure of taking phone calls at all three of the houses I worked for, making appointments for the doms. Usually, if we had a caller who wasn’t sure about who he wanted to see, I’d ask if he had a preference for a certain type of woman.
“Physically?”
“Physically, or otherwise—a certain look, demeanor, or style, perhaps?”
There were guys who wanted Amazon women. Petite women. Blondes, amputees, voluptuous, curvy girls… The list of requests was endless. Lots of tattoos, no tattoos, slutty-looking, elegant, tomboyish, smelly, slender feet, long hair, long nails, shaved head, gothic-looking, black, white, Brazilian, mature, “with an 80’s side ponytail” (for real), classic feminine beauty, muscular, busty, flat-chested, strict, bratty, girl-next-door. There was a niche for any woman, truly. Part of my job as a manager at Rapture was to guide new doms in finding and developing their own sex appeal.
Most women think they have to mold themselves into a very limited idea of what they think men want. What I had to remind them consistently was that sex appeal doesn’t come from a cookie cutter. It has to start with something unique, something that they already possessed. Once they embraced what was remarkable about themselves, it was never a far reach to a really hot fantasy.
5. A neat cause-and-effect explanation for the nuances of human psychology
People like to come up with theories to match their experiences, even if doing so means ignoring big chunks of information. As Dan Savage once described on his podcast, about half of people who are into spanking will say, “I was spanked as a child, so that’s why it turns me on to be spanked.” The other half say, “I was never spanked when I was a child, so subconsciously I always craved that kind of attention and now I’m aroused by spanking.” Sexuality is manifested in so many ways, probably as many as there are different personalities. My theory is that for some people, specific moments trigger specific kinks. For most of us, though, it’s more complicated than that. …