NCSF Asks Mx Mollee: What would you like to see the Leather, kink, and polyamory communities do to support polyamory awareness and polyamorous people?
There is no single definition of polyamory, but the consensus among people who study and/or practice it seems to be that polyamory is “honest, open, responsible non-monogamy” that involves being open to more than one simultaneous romantic, intimate, or deep emotional relationship (these are usually but not always expressed sexually), and in which all parties have full knowledge of the arrangements and participate of their own free choice.
Communication is key. Those who are considering or actively engaging in polyamory need to understand the importance of open honest communication. They need to actively practice being willing to talk about topics that might be challenging to talk about.
This leads me to think that a very large part of poly acceptance is just poly awareness. I don’t think the progress around gay marriage would have been nearly as fast if so many gay people hadn’t come out of the closet and put a lot of human faces on the issue. It’s a lot harder to demonize people when you know them. Most of my social circle at this point is some flavor of queer or another though and I’m very out of the closet poly, so I’m not sure I’ve got much of a view of what the mainstream is aware of. What do you guys think – in 2015 would you expect a random 20 or 30 something person you meet on a bus where you live to at least have a basic idea about what polyamory is?
If you have kids (or know someone who has kids), you probably don’t think twice about being able to love more than one child at a time. To think that they’d have to love one child at a time, actually, seems kind of weird.
It’s similar with poly folk. We’re perfectly happy loving and/or being in more than one relationship at a time. Granted, it’s a lot more work, but for many of us it’s worth it.
Being polyamorous is simply that. Some of us are just in open relationships, some of us are in committed multi-partner relationships, some in Vs, some in triads, some in quads. Sometimes they’re all at once (in a threesome, fr’ex), sometimes partners will only see each other individually. There are about as many permutations as there are people in the community.
It’s been years since I’ve been actively in a poly relationship, so perhaps others could give you more practical data, but that’s what it really boils down to. We can and do involve ourselves with more than one person.
Monogamy, polyamory, polyfidelity, or any variation thereof is only as successful as all people involved are willing to make it. I’ve been in, and witnessed, plenty of disastrous monogamous relationships. People who lie, cheat, manipulate, abuse, don’t communicate, etc. are never going to be in a successful relationship, whether monogamous or otherwise. People have to be honest about what they want, what their limitations are, what their expectations are, and what their boundaries are, and find other people also willing to be honest about their limitations, expectations and boundaries. The same things required to make a monogamous relationship work are required to make a polyamorous relationship work. There are definitely times that polyamory can be more challenging than monogamy, mostly because you have more than one partner involved, and sometimes making everyone happy is very difficult.
There is no one “right” or “wrong” way to have a polyamorous relationship, as long as all the parties involved are aware of the situation and agree to the terms.
Bio: Mx Mollee is originally from Chicago and has been on their leather journey since 1987. Their pronouns are they/them. They’ve been on both sides of the slash for 30+ years, primarily as a D-type. They believe that power exchange is like a yin/yang and that you need both sides to complete the circuit otherwise balance isn’t achieved. They identify as non-binary/genderqueer, a leather person, a sadomasochist, primal, and a very switchy switch that leans toward being a D-type. They are an active part of the local Leather community. They are also part of the Women’s Leather History Project at the Leather Archives and Museum in Chicago. Mx Mollee had the honor and pleasure of being Beyond Leather’s Production Manager from 2009 to 2014. They also served on the judges panel in 2019 and 2021. Mx Mollee loves to share their knowledge and give back by mentoring and teaching and has presented at Vanguard Leather, SF10 and WOLF. Their favorite quote about service is from Mahatma Gandhi, “Service which is rendered without joy helps neither the servant nor the served. But all other pleasures and possessions pale into nothingness before service which is rendered in a spirit of joy.”