Name: John Pendal
Pronouns: He/ him/ his
Identities: Gay/ Autistic/ Kinky/ Cis-gender/ White European
NCSF Asks: What would you like to see the Leather, kink and polyamory communities do to support Neurodiversity awareness and Neurodivergent people?
The kink community is really attractive to neurodivergent people, so we aren’t talking about a minority issue. In one study (Wignall et al. 2023) roughly one half of participants who engaged in pup play had autistic traits. I wonder if this question should really be “how do we help the neurotypical minority in kink spaces?!”
I like the idea that accommodations can benefit everyone, so whatever we offer should be available to all and then we’re not “fixing people who are broken” but instead making the whole kink scene better.
Here are five possible ideas:
- If you are having a Munch or social gathering, allow some structured activities as well (a quiz, a talk, a demo etc.) If you are only offering a space for small talk and mingling that can be really challenging for autistic people or those that are shy.
- If you are hosting a play event, try and build in a quieter area with less sensory input for those who need a calmer space to regulate and recover.
- Allow kink negotiation to be written as well as spoken. (My favourite ever night in a leather bar was when a Top gave me an Excel spreadsheet to complete with my needs, wants, desires and limits.)
- Allow people thinking time to reply to questions. If conversations only happen in real-time then you may well get answers that come from panic at the speed of the interaction, or a desire to people-please.
- I like to ask for three kinds of safe words: “how would you like to communicate with me that you’re not enjoying this if you can speak … how would you like to communicate with me if you can move … and what should I look for to show that you want this to stop if you can’t speak or move?” Sometimes people will lose the ability to speak or their body will freeze due to trauma response, sensory overwhelm or autistic shutdown. It’s good to know how that will appear this time, as it may be different to what you’re used to seeing.
There are some more ideas in my blog: https://www.johnpendal.com/blog.html … I’m also available to teach internationally if you’d like to give workshops at your event.
Bio and Contact Info
In 2003 John became the 25th person to win the annual International Mr Leather contest in Chicago. Since then he has travelled around the world leading workshops, giving speeches, hosting events and performing kinky stand-up comedy.
He spent lockdown completing a diploma in life coaching and two qualifications in First Aid for Mental Health. He now works online with English-speaking clients anywhere in the world, both directly and as an Associate Coach with “Thriving Autistic”.
John’s coaching website is https://www.johnpendal.com and kink mentoring info at http://www.leatherlondonguide.com/coach.html
He’s also on Fetlife @KinkyLifeCoach as well as Facebook and Instagram @johnpendal.coach