The troubling trend of men using dating apps to lure kink-curious women into abusive relationships
by Jera.Brown
BDSM fantasies — specifically, being dominated — are pretty common among women. According to one study, more than 60 percent of us have them.
Some women turn to dating sites to start exploring their submissive side, but testing the BDSM waters with someone you’ve never met can be dangerous, especially after the success of the Fifty Shades books and movies, men have felt more comfortable advertising their status as “dominants,” using the sites to find women looking for their own Christian Grey. The problem is, many of these men are intentionally looking to prey on inexperienced submissives. Take it from Amy and Megan.
When Amy began talking to Scott on OkCupid, she was looking for the “strong, take-charge kind of guy — the opposite of her flaky, aloof ex-husband.
“I was emotionally tired of having to be the only grown-up in the relationship,” she explained. “I’ve always had somewhat submissive sexual tendencies — I love any sort of ravishment fantasy — so the idea of being in a safe place to let go and no longer have to be in charge was exciting for me, not just sexually, but emotionally.”
Their flirting online intensified. Scott told Amy he was going to “punish” her, and Amy had gone along with it as a fantasy. But on their first date, Scott assaulted her, informing Amy she knew what she was getting into.
Megan, who met Jack on a dating site specifically for those interested in BDSM, doesn’t call what happened to her outright assault.
“It’s in that wobbly zone of yes and no,” she said. “I was into it at the time, even if hesitatingly. There was a slew of sex-included acts I hadn’t OK’d, and stuff at the end made the previous stuff feel way ickier.”
Both women said that they ignored warning signals. For Megan, the biggest red flag was Jack’s inconsistencies around substance abuse. After Jack told her he was sober and in a support group, he had a drink on their date. Megan said she should’ve stopped the date then.
Even though Amy was attracted to Scott’s dominance, he came on too strong from the get-go. Afterward, Amy blamed herself for breaking one of her own rules: Never go to a person’s house on a first date.
“I still can’t tell you why I let him talk me into it,” Amy said. “The whole experience was the only time in my life I’ve ever felt like I was powerless over my own actions. I felt brainwashed.”
Amy didn’t report the assault to the police because of the record of flirting that existed from their online conversations. She was worried it would be used against her in court.
While Amy hasn’t explored her submission fantasies since, Megan has become active in the BDSM community.
“I believed — and still believe — in the potential for shared catharsis and connection, which is possible in [BDSM] scenes,” she said. “Many of the connections I made early on have become chosen family. When BDSM works, it can bring bliss. When we negotiate well and stay close to our authentic voice, we can experience extremely rewarding and fulfilling connection through scenes.”
Megan learned to trust her intuition in order to protect herself. “Our threat-detection system is necessary for survival, and experience has shown that when that system is activated, it’s for good cause,” she added.
I was lucky. All my earliest experiences with BDSM were with a partner that I trusted. We were in an open relationship when we learned about the local BDSM community and found others to further explore our interests with. I’ve explored being both dominant and submissive, and it’s important to note that these roles can be fulfilled by someone of any gender. …