Broadly
by Sophie Saint Thomas
In polyandry—the gender-swapped version of polygamy—women have multiple male partners. We spoke to several women in polyandrous relationships to find out what it’s like.
Many women may casually date multiple guys, but some modern-day women are practicing polyandry: having multiple husbands (or, in a contemporary, repurposed definition, several serious or life-long partners).
Polyandry, the reverse version of polygamy, is technically illegal in the United States; thus, those who practice it do so without literally getting married. “I would say [polyandry] is when a woman has many male partners,” says Dr. Denise Renye, a San Francisco-based psychologist who specializes in sex and intimacy.
But that doesn’t mean a woman can’t dream of putting a ring on those many male partners. “Having multiple husbands was something I had thought about since early adolescence. I even asked my mother about it, and she laughed said it would be way too much work,” a 44-year-old woman from Boulder, Colorado, who goes by Jislaaik tells Broadly. Very active in her local kink community as a mistress, Jislaaik is currently seeking three husbands in a scenario she likens to Big Love, only with “a higher level of control and authority on my part, and way better sex.”
While some women like Jislaaik relish the chance to celebrate polyandry, other women in polyamorous communities view having multiple male partners as simply an inherent facet of the general polyamorous lifestyle. “Polyandry is polygamy for women. In either case, marriage is the key component that differs it from polyamory. It’s not something that is widely discussed in the polyamorous community, unless someone is correcting a misunderstanding,” says Effy Blue, a New York City-based life coach who specializes in unconventional relationships.
Blue has multiple male partners herself and says more men offer more emotional support—not to mention the sexual benefits. “My partners have different strengths, styles, points of views, all coming together to be an amazing support network for me. It also provides me different sexual experiences, somewhat eliminating monotony that inevitably happens in all long-term relationships. The variety ultimately keeps all of our sex lives exciting.”
Those who are specifically seeking a modern American version of polyandry view the distinction between polyandry and polyamory as one that stems from differing power dynamics. These women want to have multiple male partners, but their men must be completely devoted to them, a different relationship structure than what Blue practices.
“I tried polyamory first but found that to not work for me at all. The poly world wants you to be completely open. The mono[gamous] world, well, we already know what they want,” says a 38-year-old Colorado woman who asked to be called Goddess Andromeda.
“My ex tried really hard to give his power to me. One day he came to me and declared, ‘I’ve lost that subbie feeling,'” says Andromeda, referring to a dominant/submissive relationship. “We tried to work on it until one day he called me late at night and told me that he wanted to be full-on polyamorous for a while. I told him, ‘Fine, but it would be without me.’ He did not appreciate that and decided that it was too late at night to communicate about it. The next day I gave him his wings to explore.” …