The Guardian
by Kate Iselin
Non-monogamy, polyamory, open relationships: whatever your preferred term, it can be a heavy word to drop at the dinner table.
For many, it conjures up images of swinging 70s’ couples throwing keys in a bowl post-fondue party, or sexual free-for-alls in darkened, Latex-scented nightclubs.
It’s not even something with a stellar track record of media representation, either: when non-monogamy is seen on our screens it’s usually in the context of a cult leader with a throng of brides, each of them clad in neck-high gingham and seeming to have more in common with the Manson family than any modern relationship.
For most of my life I was as monogamous as it was possible to be, almost to a fault. I found that jealousy would frequently rear its head if my partner or crush du jour was so much as spotted in the same room as someone who might chance at a flirt.
Only when I was in my mid-20s did I meet a man who tipped that attitude on its head and told me that although he was as interested in me as I was in him, he was already in a successful open relationship and monogamy was not an option.
My choice was clear: I could either give it a chance and try dating someone who already had a partner, or risk losing them for good.
What I experienced surprised me in the best possible way. While I initially feared I would become a quivering nervous wreck at the thought of my partner with someone else, the openness and honesty we developed assuaged my fears and rid me of my worry of being a “back-up girlfriend”.
At no point did I feel neglected or envious; indeed, I found non-monogamy worked for me better than any relationship formula I’d seen in the past. I got to know my partner’s partner, and we got along well, and while they shared romantic weekends away and dinner dates together I was free to date and hook-up as much as I wanted.
And spoiler alert: I did.
Once I let go of the fears and insecurities I had previously held around relationships, I was granted a fresh perspective on what it meant to be with someone. The more I thought about non-monogamy, the more it made sense to me: the idea that we might meet someone and decide that we want to be with them and only them for the rest of our lives seemed unrealistic at best, and terrifying at worst. …