Simon Copland was 16 when he came out as gay. Now – with two partners – he faces a much more difficult coming out
The Guardian
by Simon Copland
This is my coming out story. My second one. When I was 16 years old, I first came out as gay.
Coming out then was hard but this time is much harder. This revelation is something I am more fearful about, but I have to come out.
I am polyamorous.
I am dating two people at the same time – James and Martyn. They are both fully aware of and happy with the arrangement and are able to follow suit by dating or having sex with other people if they wish (as am I).
My partner James and I have been together for nine years. We met on a drunken night during my first week at university. James was in his third year and I had turned 18 the week before.
Straight off the bat James suggested we should be in an open relationship, meaning we’d be allowed to have sex with other people if we wanted. At first I didn’t like it but I agreed. At the time I felt I had little to lose.
James and I moved in together a year later and for many years we rarely acted on our agreement – there was only the occasional hookup. But the arrangement was always there. It was an acknowledgement that we could be sexually attracted to other people and act on that, yet still love and be in a relationship with one another.
Over time I grew more comfortable about it and slowly we developed our understanding of these ideas. When we moved to Brisbane a few years ago we became friends with others in polyamorous relationships. We each developed crushes and realised, in practice, that we could have feelings for other people yet still love each other.
Then came Martyn. James’s friend first, Martyn lives in Edinburgh – they met through roller derby circles and connected on Tumblr.
When visiting Edinburgh last year James, Martyn and I caught up for a drink. By the time James and I got home to Brisbane, Martyn and I were chatting on Facebook and Skype on a regular basis.
Soon James was calling him my “Scottish boyfriend” and not long later Martyn and I made that official. Martyn visited us in Australia and now I am spending the year in Edinburgh living with him.
Over the past year I have faced the same anxiety and fears as I did as a nervous gay teen. But coming out as poly has required vastly more explanation – not only have I faced the fear of people reacting badly, I have faced a barrage of questions about “how it works”. So here is the simple explanation:
My relationships are based on a simple philosophy – there is no limit to the amount of love we can feel for other people. Loving someone does not diminish the love we have for others. Just because I love vanilla ice cream doesn’t mean I can’t love chocolate ice cream as well. …