The New York Times
By AMY SOHN
To understand why sex-forward couples therapists may still be considered renegades in the era of shows like “Girls” and “Transparent,” it may help to know that the concept of couples therapy is only slightly older than the Sexual Revolution. It was pushed to the fore in the early 1960s by Don D. Jackson, Virginia Satir and Jay Haley at the Mental Research Institute in Palo Alto, Calif., and Murray Bowen at Georgetown University Medical Center.
Sex therapy, invented by Masters & Johnson, evolved separately — and neither William Masters nor Virginia Johnson was a couples therapist or mental-health provider. Today, there is only one certification program for sex therapists, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, which means aspiring sex therapists may find access to courses and supervisors a challenge.
And though the association requires its certified sex therapists to be licensed social workers or psychologists first, couples therapists are not required to have any training in sex. Ms. Perel, for example, said she received exactly one hour of education on sex in her psychotherapy training, which led her to become certified in sex therapy in 2010, more than two decades later.
Dr. Nichols, 68, a psychologist and sex therapist, received zero hours of coursework in sex as a clinical psychology student. She went on to found the Institute for Personal Growth in Highland Park, N.J., in 1983, then one of few mental-health centers for gays and lesbians. Today, the institute, which added centers in Jersey City and Freehold, also counsels transgender people, but half of the clients are what Dr. Nichols calls “mainstream.”
Because her practice is diverse, she often finds herself looking to one group to help her with another. Her perspective, she said, is “G.G.G.,” which comes not from the annals of Freud but from a 2006 column by the Seattle-based syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage. It means a person should strive to be good in bed, giving to the partner and game for anything — within reason.
Dr. Nichols says kinky couples have the best sex of any long-term couples she sees. Because of this, she finds herself “selling” their principles to vanilla (nonkinky) heterosexuals.
Continue reading the main story
RECENT COMMENTS
Angela Martin 47 minutes ago
Everything suggested in this article I enjoy, and most of my relationships are rife with the same challenges faced by Dr. Iasenza patients. …
Cynthia Williams 47 minutes ago
So, make couples therapy more macho, more sexy, a bit more like an action movie? That’s the solution?This latest jazzy trend is just a…
DogsRBFF 47 minutes ago
I am in a long term relationship but not for a long time so take my opinion with great grain of salt!It is almost impossible for anyone to…
SEE ALL COMMENTS WRITE A COMMENT
“Kinky couples plan sex,” she said, “and simmer for days in advance. They emphasize quality of encounter over frequency of encounters. They practice variety and exploration. They don’t judge a partner’s desires. They discuss and negotiate sexual acts, and they make a clear demarcation between ‘normal’ couple zone and ‘sex zone,’ allowing them to be totally immersed in an erotic space.”
One of the thornier issues affecting modern couples (kinky or not) is Internet pornography.
Dr. Klein, 65, a marriage and family therapist and sex therapist in Palo Alto, questions the existence of pornography addiction and says no one has the right to a pornography-free home without consulting his or her mate.
“Many couples haven’t come to terms with the question, ‘Is it O.K. if my husband or wife masturbates?’ ” he said. “If you haven’t come to terms with that, or with the fact that most adults have sexual fantasies, then how can you have a productive, collaborative conversation about pornography? The country is flooded with high-quality free porn, and the problem is that people are anxious and secretive because they’re getting the message, ‘If you watch that stuff, I’ll kill you.’ ”
He takes a more tolerant approach: “I say to the couple, ‘Let’s talk seriously about how come two people who love and like each other don’t have sex any more.’ ”
Not surprisingly, Dr. Klein’s approach has detractors. Sue Johnson, 58, the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy and a clinical psychologist in Ottawa, specializing in couples, said that if pornography “takes over your life, it is going to wreck your relationship, just like any other addiction.”
As for infidelity, she said, “the idea that an affair is a solution to a lack of engagement and connection with your partner, that’s the craziest solution I’ve ever heard.”
Dr. Johnson’s program, as well as other couples therapist certification programs like Imago, emphasize safety, loyalty and attachment as the foundations of intimacy. (The work is about strengthening underlying bonds, not hoisting up the bondage.) …