Huffington Post
by Kevin Hogan
Note: This article only represents the views of those interviewed and should not be misconstrued as representative of all bisexual and/or polyamorous people.
You’re poly? So…
– You’re into group sex.
– You’re a sex addict.
– You can’t sustain an enduring, loving relationship.
These are just some of the assumptions and misconceptions that exist surrounding polyamory — one of the most misunderstood relationship forms in our society. But is polyamory purely about sex? And if it isn’t, then what else is it about? I spoke to five bisexual, polyamorous people about what being poly means to them. Their heartfelt answers might surprise you.
Is it just about sex? If not, then what is it about?
That is, of course, the question on everybody’s mind. Each one of the people I spoke with was very clear that for them, poly was, or had the potential to be, about more than just sex.
For Kate, an English professor in her early thirties, polyamory means the ability to be in a serious, loving relationship with more than one person at the same time — regardless of whether there’s a hierarchical structure in place in terms of primary, secondary, tertiary and further relationships.
Anne (not her real name), also in her early thirties and from Somerville, MA, believes that what’s so wonderful about poly is that it can be whatever the partners involved want it to be. “Your poly can mean that you and your primary are open to secondary relationships, or that you have an understanding that when you go out, you can engage with other people in emotional and/or physical ways.” She goes on to say that for her, poly means love, connection, communication, creativity, intimacy, freedom and fluidity. “It’s not black and white; it’s multiple shades of gray with some rainbows mixed in and it’s beautiful.”
Is polyamory an orientation, a lifestyle choice or something else?
All five interviewees felt that polyamory came naturally to them when they were ready and the time was right. JC, a consultant from the East Coast who’s been in a different-gender relationship for 30 years, tells me he simply isn’t wired for monogamy. He and his partner decided long ago to open up their relationship, mainly to allow him the freedom to meet men. Over time, their relationship morphed and evolved according to their needs and external pressures. Now, it’s mostly about being open to each other when it comes to potential secondary relationships.
Colleen, a computer app developer from Ontario, chose polyamory when her monogamous 32-year marriage ended and left her deeply hurt. She was afraid of repeating the experience and felt that she couldn’t commit to one person. Interestingly, polyamory seemed to fit her right away. It quickly brought two steady partners into her life; a man she’s been living with for three and a half years, and a bisexual woman who’s also in another relationship.
Authentic Paint, a nanny in California, shares her insights on why polyamory comes so naturally to some. “Think about how much you love your parents, siblings or children. Would you be able to choose only one of them? If we’re capable of feeling equal love in those relationships, then why not when it comes to romantic love for more than one partner?”
Do you think there’s a stigma attached to polyamory? …