Bustle
by RACHEL KRANTZ
Recently, I’ve become very acquainted with a feeling that I didn’t even know I had the capability to feel so strongly: jealousy. Before I decided to try non-monogamy with my current partner, I’d only experienced the feeling in fleeting moments — passing jealousy towards someone prettier or cooler than me, for instance. But now that my partner has gone on a few dates with someone else, I feel like I know what jealousy really is. It is a physical sensation as much as an emotional one, manifesting in the pit of my stomach and the middle of my throat.
You might wonder why, if jealousy is so intense and uncomfortable, I’ve been choosing to experience it. Well, trust me, there have been moments where I’ve asked myself the same question. I suppose the short answer is that I want to know whether non-monogamy is for me, and there’s no way to know except to confront these uncomfortable feelings head-on. I already know having the freedom to go out with other people has made me less afraid of commitment and more in love with my current partner. It’s only when he exercises that same freedom that I find I come up against the main emotions that comprise jealousy: fear, anger, and grief.
I’m not going to lie — it’s painful. But it’s also been incredibly fruitful, too. I’ve learned a lot about my own insecurities and triggers in the last few months, and feeling myself begin to unlearn certain fears has actually been incredibly empowering. One thing I’ve found especially useful as I navigate this unfamiliar territory is reading some of the excellent writing that has been done about jealousy and non-monogamy. By far my favorite book has been Kathy Labriola’s Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships, as well as her accompanying The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships. Whether you’re thinking about an open relationship, are currently in one, or are in a closed relationship where you often experience jealousy, these books will prove extremely useful.
Learning more about why we get jealous in non-monogamous relationships has helped me understand the feeling in a more productive way — or at least, given me something to think about once the Green Eyed Monster retreats. Here are five theories about why we get jealous that Labriola lays out in Love in Abundance, summarized.
1. Freud’s Theory: Because Mom Didn’t Love You As Much As She Loved Dad
Not surprisingly, Sigmund Freud believed that the root of jealousy could be found in The Oedipal Conflict. He believed that every child “fell in love” with their parent of the opposite sex, then felt betrayed when they realized that Mom actually loved Dad, or vice versa. According to Freud, that loss carries into adulthood and gets expressed in the form of jealousy. Of course, Freud’s theory was pretty damn heteronormative, and doesn’t account for divorced or single parent models. That said, it doesn’t mean he wasn’t on to something, either.
Freud identifies four major components of jealousy, all of which, I have to admit, feel pretty on-point to me. Labriola explains the breakdown, and how it relates to feeling jealous of your partner’s involvement with another person:
First, he believed, we experience grief, the terrible pain of actually losing or being afraid of losing someone we love. Second, we are flooded with the very distressing realization that we cannot have everything we want in life. Third, we are gripped with feelings of enmity towards the successful rival who has won the love of our partner or whom we fear will succeed in stealing our partner. Fourth, we turn our anger on ourselves in a belief that our own inadequacies as a partner will cause our partner to leave us.
So as you can see, Freud viewed jealousy as a nightmare driven by our most primal fears of inferiority, loss, and abandonment.
As much as Freud may have been off about some things, I have to say, that all sounds eerily familiar to my experience of romantic jealousy.
2. Darwinian Theory: Because Jealousy Is Evolution, Baby
This is probably the theory you’re most familiar with, because it tends to drive the popular narrative as to why monogamy is the “natural state” of humans. (This idea is thoroughly critiqued in the book Sex At Dawn, by the way, but that’s a whole other article. You can listen to author Christopher Ryan’s TED talk above to get the basic idea.) Suffice it to say, the basic idea behind the Darwinian theory of jealousy is that “the feeling is evolution’s way of getting us to pay attention to a potential threat to the family unit,” as Labriola puts it. …