Loving several people at once – is that possible? Meeting a polyamorous young woman showed that it is, but only if you replace some of love’s glamor with sober rationality.
DW.com
Turns out love, unlike money, food or space, isn’t a limited resource. Juliane loves, sleeps with, is there for, and occasionally gets angry about, four different people. She lives as part of a network of people who all have multiple lovers.
Currently, she has been in one relationship in Berlin for more than a year, in a long-distance relationship and casually with two others for two and four years, respectively.
The secret for not letting this turn into a massive orgy or a constant emotional rollercoaster ride? According to Juliane, there are some essential ingredients: “It’s really important to me that the people who play a central role in my life get to know each other and communicate openly,” she says, adding that honesty is also important, along with having the guts to be raw and vulnerable.
Her relationship model of choice is polyamory, a term coined in the mid 90s. It is a model that works differently for everyone involved in a relationship with multiple partners. There isn’t one sole way to live it – details are constantly being negotiated.
Loving just one person is absurd
Although there are no official figures available, it is estimated that up to 10,000 people live polyamorously in Germany. In the United States, the number is estimated to be between 1.2 to 2.4 million. What unites them is the conviction that love doesn’t ever run out and that it can be distributed among many.
“Monogamy is an absurd idea to me. If there is someone I feel very close to, someone I love, why would that keep me from having sex with others? Why would that keep me from feeling close to someone else? I mean [even if I tried], it would happen. I would meet someone new and I’d fall in love. A relationship wouldn’t prevent me from feeling that way,” Juliane says with a smile, as if she’s probably thinking about someone at this very moment.
She describes love as “finding someone fascinating” and “meeting someone so great you want to spend as much time with them as possible”. Her idea of love is focussed on the other person – on their life, the way they see the world – so it feels different every time because every person is different. In that way, she doesn’t so much talk about the butterflies in her stomach or the excitement in her own heart, instead she highlights people’s characters.
She talks about all these people fondly while sitting in the garden of her girlfriend Theresa’s flat in a residential part of north Berlin. Theresa never had just one relationship; there were always several. After one and a half years together, Theresa is one of her more intense relationships. Their interactions are natural and effortless. They casually chat about their plans for next week and talk about where her housemate is. With their inside jokes they come across like old friends, but you can tell they are lovers by the way Juliane tenderly strokes Theresa’s hair for a split second. Then that moment is gone. …