By Eric Jett, NCC, LPC
Working crisis intervention with adolescents was an area as a counselor I grew to love because of the diversity of clients I would get to interact with on a daily basis. Several years ago my passion for working with children and the area of crisis/trauma would open a new door for my professional and personal awareness. I had the opportunity to work with a young teen from a family who was struggling with what as a counselor I would expect to see in a teenage boy starting middle school, identity issues, bullying, and the usual horrible experience so many teens sadly go through.
However part of my counseling experience has shown that developing a support system is vital when working with children and teens, which is why family therapy is a necessity. During the first intake, we had gone over the typical counseling questions and discussed the importance of family counseling that we start after a couple of individual sessions between me and their son. Mom and Dad were extremely cordial about the process, extremely concerned about their son, and you could see their investment in helping him grow and survive this situation; yet something was still off. There was something mom and dad were holding back, and I could tell they were not ready to bridge that conversation yet.
So what did I do as a counselor? I left it alone. My therapeutic approach to counseling understands that this is a process where the client has to take the lead sometimes. When you work with children and adolescents he or she may be the primary client but the family is the overall client. After all they act as the support in creating environmental changes to help the kid or teen.
As time grew closer for our first family meeting the mother of my client called and asked if her and her husband could meet with me to discuss something important about their family. Now as a counselor at this point I had worked with many diverse families and as a counselor, my experience has always been there is more to learn from my clients then my client can learn from me. One of the first questions the parents asked me during our meeting with just the three of us was what I was required to report to the state about child abuse. As a counselor, this is not usually something you want to hear because you know the time that is going to be involved in having to make a report; however as a counselor who specializes in children and teens it comes with the job responsibilities.
I reminded the parents of the informed consent which we covered during the initial intake that I was required to report any suspicions of child abuse by state law. The questions that followed were similar to that of an academic inquiry on what was considered child abuse within our state. I will admit this had me concerned, and my direct approach was to ask “do you believe your son has been physical, sexually, or emotionally abused in some way?” The mom and dad instantly went to denying any occurrence of abuse, and I admittedly told them I was a little confused about their concern on the child abuse reporting laws for our state.
Dads’ response was “we are polyamorous.” I had in my personal experiences learned about polyamory and fortunately knew through some great resources the terminology; however, I value the importance of report building with my clients, and I wanted to continue building trust with my clients’ family. It was also important to understand what polyamory meant to this family. I was aware that poly can mean and look different to individuals and family units. For the remainder of the hour, we talked about their amazing family which included six adults who their son and other 3 children got to refer to as parents. Mom and dad’s greatest fear was that as a professional, this would be reportable, and they could have their children taken away from them because their life views are one of growth of love among the family unit. Our next family session all 6 adults attended, and it became very apparent to me as a counselor the opportunities we had to work really as an amazing support structure for this teen and help him through this difficult time of his life.
While this is a very short account of my beginning experience working with poly families which I have continued to work with over the past several years, this particular family and several others. However as a counselor it was an important learning experience to remind me the fear and concern which can often be with individuals because of societal expectations. If my life is outside of what society wants what does that mean for me? For my family? For my children?
I also am reminded that there is a need to acknowledge our clients as the experts in what is occurring in their life. This family had lived as a family unit, with their ups and downs, like every relationship for the span of over 20 years before stepping into my office. My job is that of acceptance and protection. There was no harm occurring within the family and if anything this family was making something that “society” driven relationship between two individuals often struggle doing. But as a counselor I had to be willing to learn.
I worked with the family for over a year and during that course of time they educated me on not only their family but resources, books, articles, and even polyamorous meetups in the area with other families and individuals interested in relationships. I had to be willing to grow and because of that and this particular family I believe I am not only a better professional but individual because I stepped outside of my box.
Communication is important, as a professional, as an individual, and as someone considering going to a professional for guidance. We should not be afraid to talk to our professionals about our lifestyles, and likewise as professionals we shouldn’t be afraid to listen to our clients about their lifestyles. We need to advocate continued expression and freedom because we hold the balance in making it “ok” and not a big deal.
I have been pleased and amazed to be able to present this particular client case to colleagues in past trainings who in the beginning struggle with the idea of working with a poly family and often I see many skewed views of what this means for the family and children. However, after we talk about and demonstrate the work we were able to do in family therapy and how the family having multiple parents actually strengthened my work with the teen, colleagues often leave with a changed view. As a professional that gives me hope and I appreciated for the opportunity this particular family had given me to work within the poly community as a counselor.