The Jian Ghomeshi scandal has become unavoidable. It is literally everywhere on the internet, television and, of course, on the radio. If you’ve been living under a rock, here’s a timeline by Global News of accusations and evidence against the former radio show host. Since he was let go by CBC, the scandal has started a much needed social discussion on BDSM and what consent actually is. Not only that, but it has also prompted the question “Why don’t victims speak up?” or the idea of the “Jian Ghomeshi Effect” that Camilla Gibb talks about in her recent Salon article.
So let’s explore the definition of consent shall we. If I were to explain consent to a child, I would say it simply means saying “yes” or giving permission. However, for adults consent usually isn’t that black and white. There are grey areas where we could argue that consent was implied or previously agreed upon.
If my husband and I were to explore some impact play tonight and I enjoy it, does that mean I’ve given my consent to be spanked tomorrow? No. But if we go to our room later and we’re interested in doing it again, the conversation would go something like this:
My husband: “We both really enjoyed the spankings last night, do you want to do it again tonight?”
Me: “YES!” (some excited clapping and jumping up and down might happen too)
If I continue to give consent to be spanked, then it becomes a part of our routine and consent is implied. If my husband were to try to spank me two weeks from now and I didn’t feel into it, I can immediately remove that consent with a safeword.
Woah! Where did that safeword come from?!
Let’s go back to when my husband and I were first figuring out what our kinks were. Before we began exploring BDSM together I printed out a long checklist of fetishes and toys and activities I had found online and we sat down as a couple and went over the list. We quickly discussed each item, looked up a few terms we weren’t familiar with, giggled about some of the things that made us uncomfortable and in the end had an awesome list of new things to try out together.
Now, we didn’t immediately tear of our clothes and run to the bedroom.. the list flying behind us…to start checking things off. We knew that each of these activities had certain risks, some more than others, and we did our research (and we’re still doing our research) on how to safely explore our desires. The very first thing we did was establish an undeniable way to let our partner(s) know we needed to slow down or stop. We chose the very common “green, yellow, red” as our way of communicating that. Later on, as we got more into bondage, we also chose a safe-signal for when I am unable to verbally communicate (this is especially important for me when I’m in subspace).
Even in our almost 10 year relationship, there are still times when I may need to use my safeword. It isn’t very often, but if I need to remove my consent I have the option, and a plan, to do so.
Trust Does Not Equal Consent
The crazy thing is, so many kinksters still don’t think they need a safeword or they aren’t even sure what a safeword is. My husband and I have been together for a long time. We have an immense amount of trust in each other to do the right thing, but we still have a safeword. Why? Because life is unpredictable.
When you participate in play that involves pain your body’s reaction is to flood you with chemicals to sort of compensate. The amount of endorphins your body releases produces a “high”, which results in a sense of fogginess or for some even an out-of-body experience.
On the opposite spectrum is Domspace where the top becomes so intensely involved in the scene that they develop a sort of “tunnel-vision”. Misssubmistressrose explains this very well in our article To Domspace, Dom-drop and Beyond!
It is very important to understand and recognize when subspace or Domspace occurs so we can react properly. If a submissive is in subspace and is unable to communicate to their Top that they’ve reached their limit, then does their partner have consent to continue? Even if they originally consented to a whipping, when they enter their highest level of subspace they may no longer be able to make the decision or communicate to their partner to stop. In this situation the bottom’s state of mind has changed, and according to legal presets, they can not consent to further activities. The same applies to other forms of altered state of mind, such as drinking or emotional instability at the time of initiation.
Not everyone’s experience with subspace is the same, if you wish to continue a scene during subspace that is up to you and your partner to discuss. Playing during subspace or having sexual contact during the higher levels of subspace can be extremely pleasurable, but this is when the areas of consent begin to grey.
To avoid miscommunication about what happens during subspace, please, please, please do not make decisions to continue in the middle of a scene or while you or your partner are in subspace. The first time you hit subspace, you most likely won’t see it coming. Experience it in all its glory and then recognize what it is. Tell your partner it happened. If they don’t know what it is, educate them (Hey, send them here!). Being in subspace while someone unknowingly takes advantage of your altered state is very dangerous…for both of you.
When you play it is extremely important to have a short, clear safeword you can easily regurgitate should you reach subspace or need to stop for another reason. For me, I can’t even talk when I’m in subspace, so we agreed on a safe-signal (two fingers up, a “peace sign”) that I normally wouldn’t ever gesture towards my husband that he can recognize. This safeword/signal tells him to immediately stop in the event he doesn’t read my body language first.
Set Your Boundaries
Know where your line is and don’t let anyone cross it. If you are ok with having sex on the first date, more power to you, but if you want to keep your clothes on, don’t let them get away with unbuttoning your shirt.
In fact, to avoid that situation all together, make your boundaries clear beforehand. I’m not saying you have to negotiate a contract, but a simple “Sure, I’ll come in for coffee, but can we just spend some time talking tonight?” should be enough of a hint for any decent person that you aren’t interested in sexual contact right now.
The same applies for online dating too. If you’re on a social or dating website, make it clear what your expectations are and what kind of communication is acceptable. Don’t entertain anyone who crosses those lines. If they can’t respect your clear boundaries in an online setting, then what makes you think they will do so in the bedroom?
In a D/s relationship your boundaries should also be explored before engaging in play. I’ve heard too many horror stories of strangers or recently introduced partners playing without first talking about a scene and it only leads to someone being physically or emotionally hurt. (Even consensual non-consent should be agreed on and have boundaries, even if they are broad)
Affirmative Consent
Unfortunately consent can be hard for some people to interpret or even communicate. If you’re at a party, hanging with someone, smiling and laughing at their corny jokes, that is not consent, it is flirtation. Seriously, I would be so turned on if someone asked permission to kiss me. Hell yes. Kiss me HARD.
I know some people out there are against the idea of affirmative consent (asking permission vs. just reading body language), but your interpretation of someone else’s body is not consent. Plain and simple. The new Affirmative Consent law on Californian campuses requires that both partners “pay more attention to whether they’re feeling enthusiastic about the sexual experience they’re having“. It’s not necessarily a verbal “yes” for every sexual advance, but as requires you to consider their wants and needs, think about how to bring them pleasure, and ultimately approach sex like a partnership instead of a means to your own end.”
This is one reason I rarely use my safeword, because my husband is so good at making sure we’re on the same page. This is how I honestly believe it should be in any sexual encounter, but especially when it involves BDSM. When you and your partner are aware of your limits, and respect those limits, you can enjoy each other more fully and there is less of a chance for misinterpretation or miscommunication.
That is what people like Jian Ghomeshi fail to understand. You cannot force your desires on someone else. You cannot stand too close to them at a party and you cannot take them to your hotel room to be rough with them without their consent. Doing these things simply shows a lack of respect. Not just towards women, but towards people. Everyone deserves to be asked “Are you ok with this?”
The Fifty Shades of Grey Effect
Some people will argue that their partners don’t want for them to constantly ask for permission. They want to be dominated without foreseeing their partner’s actions. Unfortunately, I used to be that girl. I used to want a guy to take me home and push me up against a wall while he forced his hand up my shirt. What I didn’t realize was that that fantasy only works when it’s with someone you trust. I learned that the hard way. And due to my lack of understanding about sex and early exposure to society’s poor sexual standards, I also didn’t understand what sex actually was.
Now that I am aware of my ability to make decisions about my own body, I can mutually agree to consensual forms of masochism with a man who respects me enough to not only WANT to know my limits and boundaries, but to respect them as well.
Our society is so set in our ways that men feel entitled to sex simply because their partner turns them on and women are ashamed of being active, educated participants in their own sex lives. We romanticize abusive domination disguised as consensual BDSM and forget that there is a difference between the two: Consent.
http://asibdsm.com/consent-and-bdsm/