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by Loria Mendoza
The thing I was most scared of was happening, but waiting to see if this part of me was acceptable to someone I needed to accept and love me would soon be over.
My open marriage to Travis wasn’t a secret. At least I didn’t think it was. I didn’t want to think it was. I thought that if it was a secret, that meant I was ashamed of what I was doing. And I so was not. Occasionally eating a quarter-gallon of ice cream in one sitting without offering anyone any, texting my ex way too many Big Ang memes when we broke up, occasionally throwing something in the garbage that I could’ve recycled because it was probably an old gross yogurt carton and the sink was clogged, again — these were things I was ashamed of.
I was all too familiar with the feeling. I knew better in each situation, but I chose to ignore my nagging conscience, to do what felt good instead, and to keep my big mouth shut about it. Looking back on it now, I’m sure that’s why my open marriage felt so much like a secret for so long, even though most of my closest friends knew about it — because I was doing something that felt good, and even though my conscience was clear, there were so many people I cared about whom I still hadn’t told.
I have a code of ethics for love and sex, much like everyone else, and all I can say is it’s working for me. It’s hard to explain to someone how it’s less complicated to be in two relationships than one, but I’m being 100% myself, and that alone has allowed me to experience a fuller honesty, vulnerability and connection with my partners than I’d yet experienced. Each relationship is built around trust and consent and a continuous dialogue.
If I’m being honest, though, I’ve always been a little afraid of how the people in my life would react when they found out I had another partner. I still am. I feel like I shouldn’t have to ask for permission or forgiveness or offer any explanation for being polyamorous, but I often feel it’s expected. There are people who condemn me and the people I love for eschewing traditional marital-normcore culture. There are people who tell me I simply have commitment issues.
But my husband and I have been in a relationship for 10 years, and last week we were privileged to be able to celebrate our second wedding anniversary. Like any relationship, we’re complicated individuals trying to make it work. We have ups and downs, almost entirely unrelated to the openness of our marriage. I’ve been seeing my current boyfriend for 18 months now, and we have plans to open a small business together. It doesn’t sound like the sort of thing you do with someone if you have commitment issues.
Every time I tell another person for the first time and their face doesn’t fall off from snark, I breathe a little sigh of relief. That’s another person I can completely be myself around, a little bit less of a double life my husband, partner, and I have to lead. Hiding any aspect of yourself is exhausting, and I’ve made mistakes that have left me tired, y’all. Too often, I have put off being honest with people because it was simply uncomfortable. …