Youth Ki Awaaz
by Shambhavi Saxena
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me,” croons Rihanna on her 2011 single, “S&M”. The song alludes to a variety of practices like bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism. Or “BDSM” for short. These practices have existed since the time of the French aristocrat Marquis de Sade and Austrian writer Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, from whose last names we got S&M. Today, BDSM’s rapid popularity might well be courtesy of E. L. James’ “Fifty Shades” trilogy. But in India, it continues to be dark-side-of-the-moon kinda territory. However, just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
The BDSM Community In India
Their numbers may be small, but there is a thriving and ever-expanding community of ‘kinksters’ all around us. To get that point across is The Kinky Collective (KC), a close-knit community of BDSM practitioners active in New Delhi, Kolkata, Chennai, Ranchi, and Bombay. I set out to meet some of the core members, and find out what it’s like to be a BDSM practitioner in a country known for multiple clampdowns on sexual expression.
Shiv* and Priya* are the first couple I meet, and they patiently walk me through everything kink. Shiv explains kink can be something as simple as covering your partner’s eyes during sex, or something more complex involving role-play and ropes. Now, defining BDSM and kink is the easy part. What’s hard is confronting the many myths about them.
“As with the LGBTQ community, people think BDSM is a curable disease rather than an orientation,” says Shiv. And this is four full years after the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) rectified this view. In the same vein, Priya explains how many people assume kink is connected to childhood abuse, which then manifests as ‘sexual perversion’ in adults.
This tendency to pathologise non-standard sex (read: peno-vaginal baby-making) is just one among many ways that BDSM is stigmatised. According to Priya, another major myth is that kink is abusive. She says “I think that’s because people automatically associate kink with pain.”
And though many of us make this association based off a stray lyric about “whips and chains”, it just isn’t true. “People don’t have to be masochist or sadist to be involved in kink,” argues Shiv. “Somebody has a foot fetish – where is the pain?”
The BDSM Playbook
BDSM actively breaks out of society’s prescribed format for sex — heterosexual intercourse where men get the glory, and women are lucky to finish at all. So it’s no surprise that KC has members who are trans, gay, cisgender, and straight. But when Shiv and Priya mention two kinksters who identify as asexual, BDSM takes on a whole new dimension. “It’s not about sex, it’s a power exchange,” says Shiv. “I’ve been part of week-long sessions where I didn’t have the benefit of sex at all!”
When asked if BDSM could be independent of sex, Mira*, one of KC’s longest-standing members, agrees with a laugh: “What is typically considered sex is the least interesting part of BDSM. It’s passé! The real charge is with power exchange or pain.” And it’s Priya who reminds me that penetrative sex is a ‘hard limit’ for a lot of people.
If that’s the case, what does one end up doing during play? Spanking, flogging, using gags and blindfolds, and speech and clothing control – those are your basics. Then there’s “edge plays” – higher risk activities that involve asphyxiation, drawing blood, using fire, needles, bondage and more. Of course, doing any of this safely requires learning the ropes – often literally! So KC organises a numbers of skill building workshops. Their bondage workshops teach you all the basic knots, where to tie them, and for how long. They also collaborate with kinksters from around the world – like in 2015 when they invited a couple from Belgium to teach needle play. …
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