Your Rights. Your Privacy. Your Freedom.


by Liz Harrison

Finding people who are “kink aware” to deal with personal problems is often difficult, but there are resources out there – like the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom‘s “Kink Aware Professionals” Directory. I’m listed there, which has lead to some interesting situations for me.


Life Coaches generally exist in a “wild west” territory next door to mental health professionals. We can operate without licenses in most places, which means that we can mostly define what we do for ourselves.


I’ve stumbled on a disturbing trend when it comes to life coaches in “kink world.” Apparently there are life coaches out there (primarily women) who are taking on the role of “Domme” in their clients’ lives. Sure, that might be exactly what they want, but if we’re being honest here, that should have lead to a referral to either a paid Domme, or to a local BDSM club or organization that helps people find Dommes.


For a while, I stayed away from writing this – as the calls from potential clients looking for a paid Domme not a Life Coach kept piling up. I broke when I had trouble explaining to one of those callers that what he was looking for was a paid Domme. He seriously believed that all women who are Life Coaches and are aware of “kink world” should happily take over being his Domme.


No. Just NO!


That one lead to a call from me to my own therapist, because I was starting to have trouble controlling my anger over the situation.


I have no desire to point fingers, or place blame. However, I am writing this to clear the air, before we get to the point where state regulatory agencies start making rules for us.


If you are a Life Coach, and you’re playing “Domme” for your clients, please stop – either stop playing Domme, or stop calling yourself a Life Coach. Be honest with yourself and your clients.


And if you’re thinking that you’re looking for a Life Coach, think about why. Are you looking for someone to talk with about difficult decisions you need to make in your life, or are you looking for someone to tell you what to do – just someone to give you orders to carry out? If you’re looking for the latter, you’re not looking for a Life Coach. You’re looking for paid Dominant.


We really do need to know and agree on the difference.


  1. Here’s something to consider. Quite a few pro Dommes refer to themselves as ‘life coaches’ or ‘lifestyle consultants’ so I’m pretty certain this creates confusion. Why do they do this? My educated guess- some feel life coach is seen as a more legit and respected title. Some are using it to HIDE. Some use it to file their tax returns.

    I refer to myself as an adult play facilitator as well as a bdsm professional and professional Dominatrix. I am an erotic service provider.

  2. You could’ve titled your writing “a paid Domme is not a life coach unless they are in fact a life coach” but most Dommes using that aren’t life coaches they’re just using that title. I’ve seen Dommes do it many many times. In fact, to be honest years back I myself did it for a brief time but now I’ll only go as far as to refer to myself as a KINKY FUN CONSULTANT. Which btw- is true SMILE.

    When we finally achieve decriminalization of consensual erotic services, my wager is you won’t see Dommes using that title much anymore if ever. Instead of using even hiding behind other titles, we should work feverishly to legitimize our trade! Because it IS a legitimate professional vocation. And while we’re at it- continually raising the standards and accepting nothing but the highest degree of professionalism. PROUD of the therapeutic modality of professional bdsm.

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