by Seq, NCSF Board Member and Chair of the DEI Committee
Q. Let’s discuss Consent as it’s this month’s theme. How do you define or frame Consent?
As a culture, socially and legally, we’re still figuring this out. The same can be said for the various erotically social subcultures.
At this time, I consider Consent in two broad frames: The Capitulatory model and the Cooperative model of consent. (I say “at this time” because, like our society today, I know I’m still in the process of figuring this out. Ask me again in ten years, and let’s see what I say then.)
In the Capitulatory Consent model, one person is yielding autonomy or abdicating a decision to the other. There’s something passive for one party about this. It echoes the age-old binary and antagonistic worldview of “winner vs. loser” or transactional emotional labor of relationships. We also see this in popular media’s representation of dominance and submission and the depressingly typical assumption in internet chatter around kink exploration. (yes, think FetLife domly doms.)
Even the language reflects this ‘getting’ and ‘giving.’ Boundaries are compared to walls and battlements. It feels super defensive to me.
It’s a very ancient model of human interaction, isn’t it? It’s so ubiquitous and deeply baked into culture, language, law, and etiquette that we don’t notice it. Sometimes I stop and hear myself in these conventions of power and agency that we take for granted.
In the Cooperative Consent model… well, like the name I gave it, it’s about cooperation and collaboration. This is about creating a mutually beneficial agreement. But this requires all parties to consider what would really benefit them and the other party. Then consider how to combine them, without negating either, this can lead to creating something new and unique.
Think chemistry, take two different elements, and combine them. When it’s optimal you have chemical bondage… er, I mean, chemical bonding, and something new and unique is formed. But sometimes one benign element introduced to another stable element leads to decimation or destruction of one or both, or an explosive and violent reaction that impacts them and others around them.
The challenge in the Cooperative Consent model starts long before the decision to say yes / no / maybe.
Too often the challenge is about recognizing what each person really seeks, what each person’s beneficial experience or outcome is. Then to come up with an agreement that meets each person’s needs, that requires creativity.
As a culture we suck at fostering creativity, innovation, and expansive imagining. By the time we’re adults it just seems so much easier to have someone else tell us what we want or convince others of what they should want.
Over the years I’ve talked about the idea of Engaged Collaborative Consent. Why “engaged” and not “enthusiastic” or “informed”? It can be hard to be enthusiastic about something I’ve yet to try. As for “informed,” sometimes I feel like I can get stuck in research paralysis, realize that information gathering is potentially infinite, and not trust my gut to know when I’ve got enough information.
Here’s something that happened to me when I was younger. When I jumped out of a plane for the first time, (or the second time or the third time) I can’t say that I was enthusiastic. I knew enough to minimize the likelihood of dying but I didn’t study aerodynamics in detail beyond marveling at flying squirrels. I decided I wanted to jump out of a plane, so I was fully engaged, even as I admitted to my basic animal fear. I collaborated by working with the jump master and the team. As I stepped out of the plane, I did think “omg I’m nuts.” Feeling in my gut that I was a very agentic part of this decision and my cooperation made for a good experience did make the subsequent jumps a scary joy to step up to.
Q. How did you get into consent work?
I wouldn’t say I do ‘consent work.’ As a sexuality educator consent is one of many essential building blocks. So, it’s more like how does consent weave into my overall work.
There is one project, though, that is squarely and specifically about consent. “Consent Dojo.”
Many years ago, I was asked by the head of a kink educational entity to “teach consent.” While I appreciated his confidence in me, I had a lot of apprehension. I taught consent concepts in context, through examples and stories, never as a stand alone topic. Consent isn’t just ‘no means no’ – it’s a whole hella lot more complicated and nuanced than that. There are so many facets to this, and there are so many perspectives and situations that I just don’t know enough about. Right along with the great society, I’m just trying to figure this out too. I told him I am not an expert on consent. None the less I made some proposals. That’s when I discovered that he wanted a structured curriculum, a sure-fire formula, the ABCs, and the Right-&-Wrong of consent.
Um… no. Hard no. Uh uh. Talk about hard boundary.
There is no way I could or would do this.
That’s the long-ago root of “Consent Dojo.”
The fundamental premise is this: I know that I don’t know much about consent as it plays out for all of humanity. As we are social creatures, we must navigate consent in a lot of ways every day. Probably I haven’t thought of or been aware of most of them. So, I’ll go and find people with interesting and unique perspective on this and have them talk to me and teach me. I’ll hold the space and invite those who know to share with us on how to build our everyday consent muscles. Thus “Consent Dojo.”
I’ve had some amazing people agree to come talk to us.
Betty Martin, for one, who’s been working on teaching engaged and humanistic consent for decades. Also, an art curator, therapists, solo player, digital security consultant, BDSM and Judaism with a sex therapist, storytelling coach, philosophy professor, spirituality thinker, dungeon monitor trainer, sex party organizer, authors, and media literacy expert… just to name a few. It’s been an amazing learning experience for me.
Funny thing is that my wife jokes that I’m the Terry Gross of kink and consent. I wish! She’s amazing.
Well, Consent Dojo is in its third year now. Every episode has been totally free and available to the public. I could only do this work and keep it free because of the subscribers to my Patreon. I would like to get sponsors to help defray the costs… but I’ve just been too busy to follow through on this. Maybe there are folks and companies out there who’s reading this who wants to support this project? Yeah, this is my ask to the world.
Q. Please tell us a bit about yourself
Hmmm this is always a weirdly challenging question to answer beyond my basic bio <see my bio> I know I’m overthinking this.
So, here’s some basic stats.
At the time I am writing this I’m 57 years old. I’m 5’1″, 125 lbs. and moderately fit, though I don’t exercise enough or floss regularly. Like so many entertainers, I’ve got a big streak of introversion. This means I prefer good conversations in small groups rather than gregariously soaking in a big crowd, and I often need alone time.
I suck at remembering faces… and I often feel anxious that I hurt people’s feelings because I didn’t recognize them. (If this happened for you with me, please accept my apology!) I was born and raised in Japan. I am Japanese. I am also Japanese American. These are two different things that are not mutually exclusive. I’ve been living in San Francisco for over 30 years but haven’t a clue what’s happening in the kink ‘scene’ here because I’m too busy working, writing, or making art.
Currently, I have a lovely little art studio. But I always wonder how long that’ll last, given the real-estate situation here. I make some awesome art – paintings, sculpture, installations, and performance. They’re beautiful and unique. You should buy them and have them in your home or give them as gifts.
I wonder if anyone reading this just now cringed that I’m explicitly encouraging people to buy my work. But why not? It is ironic and sad that in this capitalist consumerist society, certain populations and occupations are frowned upon for advocating for their labor and calling. There is no nobility in starving for being a culture worker. Who romanticizes the struggling artist creating in cold studios? People with privilege and ease.
If my art isn’t to your liking, that’s fine. Just go and buy the art, paintings, sculpture, poetry, jewelry, music, performance tickets, indie films, books, etc that you like from living artists.
(and again, thank you to all of you who believe in my work and support me through my Patreon, book and event ticket purchases!)
Q. Please share some things about your history in alt-sex communities
I have an entire TEDx talk on that. Am I being a jerk by just asking you to watch / listen to that? It’s long and personal… so I get kind of tired of repeating it. And I want to get this interview to NCSF in time.
Embrace Change & Creation… The Artist as Embodied Canvas | Midori | TEDxSoMa
Q. Please share some of your current projects or activities related to our communities’ interests, if there are any you care to share.
I’ve been working with Sexual Health Alliance as Co-Director of Curriculum for the Kink Informed Certification program for helping professionals, including but not limited to therapists, coaches, and community organizers. https://sexualhealthalliance.com/kink-informed-certification-program
Exciting news for those who love my classic book “Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage”! I’m working on the follow up book and you can read the chapter previews for FREE in the TwistedMonk blog. (Thank you, Monk!) https://www.twistedmonk.com/blogs/news/tagged/midori
ForteFemme Women’s Dominance Intensive has started up again after a three and a half year COVID pause. I’ll be offering these in-person weekends a few times a year… but I’m pacing myself for the good of my team and my wellbeing. It’s a deep, challenging, and beautiful exploration of one’s authentic power and agency. The weekend is fully built around that idea of engaged collaborative consent, as we first work on really understanding and giving expression to our desires and how to co-create joy with others. www.fortefemme.com
Bio:
Trailblazing educator, artist, and irritant to banality, Midori teaches, coaches, and consults on alternative sexuality, BDSM, Shibari cultural competency, and joyful empowerment through thoughtful kink.
Along with founding ForteFemme Women’s Intensive in 2004 and Rope Dojo in 2002, Midori is known for having penned the first English instruction book on Shibari, “Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage” in 2001, paving the way for the popularity of rope today.
She works closely coaching individuals as well as therapists and other helping professionals as Co-Director of Kink Informed Certification for Sexual Health Alliance.
Social Media/Contact:
www.patreon.com/planetmidori (this is a large part of what funds my consent dojo and other non-revenue projects)
@PlanetMidori