By Race Bannon
As I write this, I’ve just turned 71 years of age. In my queer and kink circles I’m sometimes referred to as an elder. Yet others might just say I’m old, which is fine. None of us gets off this planet alive. I’m at peace with my age. Being older is simply an inevitable reality for everyone. I place no value judgment on it or how my age is perceived.
That said, how I’m perceived as I age tends to change within the various environments in which I navigate. Based on discussions with others and observing those who frequently navigate within what I’ll term alternative sexuality communities (kink, queer, non-monogamy, polyamory, and so on), older members of these groups struggle with issues the younger might not.
Let me be clear. This post is not a thrashing in the wind awash in complaint. Rather, I consider the reality of aging within alternative communities simply just how it is. We can mitigate some of the downsides and bolster some of the upsides, but aging isn’t something anyone can escape. Nor can we fully escape the generational divides that the march of time often creates.
My background of being deeply involved in kink (or leather, as my original gay roots would reference) for 50+ years, along with my longstanding involvement in queer, non-monogamy, and polyamory communities, gives me a unique perspective on what’s often seen as generational divides among those of us who navigate in nonstandard erotic territories. So, here’s my take on some of that.
Ageism exists. At least in Western cultures, and especially American culture, we worship at the altar of youth. Advertising, social media, and so much of what we consume centers directly on the elevation of youth as an ideal, especially an erotic ideal. Even though each day all of us are getting older, most of us attempt to grasp onto youth and fight aging at every turn. It’s a losing battle of course, but it’s a natural reaction.
Alternative sexuality communities have generally done a good job of promoting the acceptance of a diversity of ages and types of people. But it would be folly to think such communities can avoid entirely the influence of the larger culture in which they exist.
What’s to be done about that? I think it’s best addressed in a two-pronged manner. On the one hand, we should collectively continue to promote an ethos of acceptance and diversity, including of a wide range of ages. On the other hand, my sense is that each of us should try to accept that as we age, we’ll likely be seen by a significant proportion of our community as less attractive, less sexually desirable, less dateable, and in the worst of situations, summarily dismissed as essentially irrelevant. I can hold these two opposing positions in my mind at the same time, and I think it will bring some people peace if they do the same.
For those of us in leadership roles, it’s important to cede such positions to younger people because that’s the only way communities thrive and sustain. It can be difficult to push forward a younger person when the time comes, but there is no other way to keep our communities alive and vibrant. This means that I say “No” a bit more often nowadays when asked to lead something. I’m more likely to advise from the sidelines, and I think that’s how it should be. Many of the generational divides I witness are spawned by the older judging the younger. So, the less we can do that, the better.
Something else that age has manifested is my priorities changing over time. Part of that might be energy levels, but I think most of it is simply the natural morphing of what’s important to us as the years progress. An important aspect of that is not to judge younger people who are still living their own set of priorities that are no longer at the top of my list.
Younger members of alternative sexuality communities will have needs and desires older members might not, and that’s just fine. The two competing priorities can coexist. Those of us who are older need to stop with the “get off my lawn” mindset that can plague social discourse and instead champion the needs, efforts, and priorities of the younger. My experience is that younger people accept us older people rather well if we accept them. In short, can we all just get along? I think we can.
A quotation attributed to Buddha often bangs around in my head when it comes to the topic of aging and generational divides. “Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.”
Setting reasonable expectations is vital to peace of mind as one ages within any community, including the alternative variety. As an older person, once you set realistic expectations for yourself and how you’re perceived by others, the peace of mind it elicits is considerable.
I’m an older, gay, kinky, polyamorous man who gets enough attention and kindness to satisfy me. I’m also often rejected, overtly or subtly, because of my age, and that’s to be expected. By setting my expectations based on what I see as the reality before me, I can live my erotic and relationship life comfortably. For me, aging is a blossoming and mellowing process that adds to my golden years in important ways. Others may deal with aging differently, but this perspective works for me.