The Path In and Out: Unpushing the Panic Button
By Turtle and Seq with Contributors: CSPC ND/DG, Seranine, and Teeebone
During the Fall of 2022, The Center for Sex Positive Culture members decided to have a blunt facilitated conversation about our needs around consent and neurodiversity. Simply put, we want to know when we have consent and we want our partners to know when they have our consent with no ambiguity!
Consent wraps itself in so many deep-seated social patterns surrounded by generational- and geographical-specific minutiae that it can appear incomprehensible to the average human before you even add neurodiversity to the mix. Indeed, no one hands you a cheat sheet of social codes at puberty to help you jump through the initial hoops of the social menagerie.
Instead, many of us believe we are alone in our shame, feeling lost in confusion, mixed signals, and bullies taking advantage until we somehow memorize the unspoken secret language of flirtation and implied consent.
This is what Neurotypical people (NTs) seem to experience and seem to accept as standard operating procedures. Neurodivergent (ND) people often find this “shared language” world exceedingly confusing and many prefer literal language, like dictionary definitions. (What I actually said is what I literally meant.) For example: “I want your banana,” means I want your banana, as in fruit, not, “I want to suck your dick,” which could be considered banana-shaped when hard.
Often, neurodivergents will go along with whatever is going on because a past trauma experience leaves them feeling unsafe to say no, or they can’t read body language and suddenly find themselves in too deep to get out without experiencing severe rejection.
They experience one of the four F’s of trauma response: Freeze, Fight, Flight, and Fawn. Neurotypical people may assume consent because the neurodivergent person did not specifically say “No” or “Stop.” Later, with the lag of trauma response, the neurodivergent could feel increasingly violated but blame themselves for not saying “No.” But they also never said “Yes.” It is important to us that our partners get an express and enthusiastic “YES!” from us!
NOTE 1: Many NDs grow up being told they are not enough or being rejected for not being neurotypical, which leads to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). RSD occurs when you experience an intense or overwhelming emotional sensitivity to criticism or rejection. It can be a learned emotional response or you may be genetically predisposed to it.
NOTE 2: Alternately, other NDs struggle with internalized ableism. Lauren Presutti, writing for the Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation, puts it this way: “Internalized ableism is when we project negative feelings onto ourselves. This happens when we start to believe how society labels disability as inferior. We start to believe the stereotypes. Internalized ableism occurs when we are so heavily influenced by the stereotypes, misconceptions, and discrimination against people with disabilities that we start to believe that our disabilities really do make us inferior” (Presutti, 2021). We observe this to mean that we do not deserve to ask for our needs to be met in any way, shape, or form.
We have explored the idea that there are at least three types of thinkers: NTs, NDs, and Neurotranslators. Translators seem to be in a small percentage; however, they can easily discourse within the communication matrix of either group. They are a lovely addition to any mixed population and really smooth out the ability to share ideas.
The Struggle
Often NDs feel like when we clearly tell our NT counterparts what we need, and who we are…they tear it apart looking for a secret code. It can feel like they just then do whatever they want regardless, without also communicating the same information in return. We recognize that perhaps they are just not used to participating like this or perhaps have negative emotions surrounding such important, intimate sharing.
We are not trying to project any emotions necessarily. We just want and often need more information for better understanding. We may even wonder if the other person is cognitively inflexible, something NDs are often accused of, ironically.Â
Understand that we may process things in a multitude of different ways, some that we may share, while others we may not as we can often tend to be very internally wired humans. But all you have to do is ask clearly, and when we are ready and feel safe, most likely we will share. Please try your best to be supportive and not be derogatory or humiliate us. Like anyone else, we do best when we are not actively being shamed.
Ultimately, for enthusiastic consent from a neurodivergent person:
- Know when someone is capable of giving consent.
- Tell us very specifically what you want using actual names for body parts, not slang.
- Point to where we can touch and what we can take off.
- Tell us what the end of the scene looks like.
- Show us how to please you.
- Be open to let us show you exactly what pleases us. Be open to hearing exactly what we want to touch, lick, kiss, fuck, hit, punch, etc.
- Be on time.
- Follow up afterward.
- Honor our boundaries.
- Ask, “Is this ok?” whenever you need to or when we get that fearful look in our eyes.
Quotes from the ND/DG members during the discussion
“We have so much processing from having our boundaries ignored as children and having masked ourselves all day at work that we can get accidentally pressured into agreeing to things we wouldn’t agree to when not exhausted.”
“If asleep or passed out or someone’s body is responding to your violation—that doesn’t give consent.”
“The moment when the puzzle pieces click much later is intense and isolating. The context is lost to most and is quite vivid in my mind.”
“I’ve always been afraid to say no.”
“I’m glad there are communities such as this for support. Each of your journeys is so very valid.”
Related material:
During our facilitated discussion, we spoke about “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg as a reference for better communication skills. A Kiss Is Not A Contract – Flight Of The Conchords (Lyrics)
​Internalized Ableism and 5 Healthy Strategies for Disability Empowerment – Reeve Foundation